A place of my own

The Gallery: My Photography Resolution

2012-01-25T06:50:00.000Z

Back in my post about 2012 I wrote about my 'promises' to myself for this year. One of them was to learn to use Mr C's DSLR camera and improve my photography. I am still using the camera in automatic mode but I do take the auto focus off occasionally. I really hope that I will manage to find an evening course later this year to go to but until then I will be teaching myself. If anyone has any great online resources I would love to know.

I took this picture at Newquay Zoo last week and I thought that it was just right for The Gallery this week. I love taking pictures and I use my iPhone every day, I use Instagram (I am Kellyfairy if anyone would like to follow!) and I am doing a 365 (or 366 this year) project at aplaceofmyown365.

Make it Monday: Your mark on the world

2012-01-23T19:52:00.000Z

This week I am off with my family making memories, but I thought that I would share one little thing that we have made this week.

Write your name in the sand, or mud or dirt or using stones or sticks. We had fun doing this with Piran last week and I always like to take pictures if I can. My wedding invitations were made using pictures of messages that Mr C and I wrote in the sand and used to get cards printed.

Six wonderful years

2012-01-18T06:20:00.000Z

It hardly feels like I have drawn breath since I wrote a post this time last year called Five Wonderful Years. But a whole year has past and today marks the six anniversary of the date that Mr C finally took me out for a drink.

Since last year three has become four, we have had very little sleep and we are both a year older (although it feels like a lot more). Last year was the hardest year of our lives but ultimately the most rewarding. Tomorrow night my mum has agreed to look after the children and we have one free night in a hotel in St Ives. Just the two of us. If we are lucky we will fit in dinner before getting 12 hours uninterrupted sleep!

No matter how tired we are, and how much we end up bickering we still love each other so very much. We rarely if ever fell out at all in the first few years together but with babies comes lack of sleep and with lack of sleep comes frayed nerves. We are learning every day how to be parents, and how our parenting style varies but as long as we keep talking and communicating and comprimising we will be just fine.

Mr C, I love you more now than I ever have before. Thank you for helping me create and raise two beautiful, amazing children. Thank you for talking to me and being my my side and supporting me through my postnatal depression. Thank you for being you.

Managing to smile through the chaos.

The Gallery: Eyes

2012-01-18T06:01:00.000Z

I cannot remember the last time that I joined in with The Gallery, but this week I tried to take a new photo instead of trawling my laptop for something that would fit and I am glad that I did. One of the things I would love to do this year is teach myself to become a better photographer and doing things like this will give me the opportunity to think and to learn.

You have my eyes. Dark instead of pale like your dads and your sisters. I love the colour of your eyes, chocolate brown instead of my hazel brown. Eyes can tell us so much can't they. I can see exactly how much sleep you have had by the smudges under your eyes, they are paler now than they had been over the past few months and the lighter they get the lighter my worry becomes. Your eyes crinkle up completely when I ask you to smile for the camera, and they disappear as you gurn and shout cheese. You raise them to the skies when you are being sullen or open them wide when you tell me off, shouting STOP if I am dancing or singing and you do not approve. It makes me laugh so much when shut your eyes and think that means that I cannot see you. Or when you pretend that you are asleep but one eye sneaks open to see if I am watching you. In the mornings your eyes are bleary with sleep and I just want to cuddle you and never let go.

But my favourite time of all to look in your eyes my darling boy is when you come into the room and see your sister. They open wide as you shout 'HELLO Kate' and then you lie on the floor beside her and you laugh and giggle at each other. You look up at me and say 'Kate's funny Mummy' and your eyes sparkle with love and happiness.

2012

2012-01-17T08:30:00.001Z

At the start of 2010 I wrote a post about my 'Themeword' for the year. I cannot say that I am a fan of calling it a themeword but I did like that post. The word I chose, DISCOVERY, was perfect. Last year I do not appear to have written a follow up post, or picked a word for 2011. In hindsight I think the word of 2011 for me was SURVIVAL. Life threw a lot at us last year but we survived and we came through with a beautiful family and a lot of love.

This year I am keen to look forward and although yet again we seem to be in a period of big changes and upheavals it will be good for me to have something to focus on this year.

So for 2012 my word of the year will be HOME.

I want to make the most of our home. I want to continue our hard work and make it a warm and welcoming place. I want it to be beautiful and cosy. I want to make it work for us, to suit us. I want to make it comfortable and sustaining. If Mr C is away a lot next year I want it to be a calm and happy place to return to each time. I want it to be a family home, full of beautiful and useful things. I want to remove the clutter and the excess and make room for fun and love and people. I want it to be a place that people want to visit. I want to look around and think that this home reflects who I am as a person and who we are as a family. I want to fill it with things that I have made, or bought with purpose. Every time I make something for our home I will include good thoughts and wishes as I sew or create. I hope that it will be a place in which my family can live, and not be afraid to mess it up along the way.

Hopefully I will achieve all of this and that the spirit of what I create will be captured here in my online home.

Although January is fast disappearing I have made two promises to myself this year and I think that it would be nice to record them here. I have not set the bar too high, so hopefully I will succeed in some way.

:: I will add to my happiness jar all year.

:: I will make a concerted effort to make all birthday presents for friends and family this year.

:: I will use fabric from my stash and only buy fabric needed to complete a project. No more stash building.

:: I will learn to use the DSLR camera and improve my photography.

I need some help with the second one. I love making things and Pinterest is an endless source of inspiration* but after my step mum's birthday my dad is next and I am at a loss. What can I make for the man in my life? Please leave some suggestions in the comments I will love you forever.

I would also love to hear what your word of 2012 will be. Leave me a comment, or even blog about it and leave me the link.

*Have you seen the #PinAddicts challenge? If you love pinterest and making things it is for you.

Make it Monday: Coasters

2012-01-16T01:31:00.000Z

The first family birthday of the year was is upon us already and I was really keen this year to try and make as much as possible. I decided that these make your own coasters would be a great idea for my stepmum's birthday. This is one of those pins that doesn't actually go anywhere but luckily the instructions are in the description. I also found these DIY: Coasters on Style me Pretty which had clearer instructions so I referred to this as well.

I had a quick google and as far as I could see Modge Podge could be made by watering down craft pva - half water, half glue so I made a little pot of my own. I picked up four sample tiles in Homebase and some wallpaper samples to use. My parents had just decorated their living room and have new curtains and sofa so I got my sister to text me pictures and chose something to match. You could use any type of paper though.

It was really simple. Layer of homemade modge podge, stick on pre-cut squares of paper, coat with more homemade modge podge. I did quite a number of coats and then left it to dry for 24 hours. I then did a few coats with an acrylic spray sealant, according to the instructions on the can. Finally I just stuck felt squares to the back of the tiles.

They look fantastic and have held up to initial water spillage and hot drinks tests. I wish that I had made some and used them for a few weeks but I wasn't that organised so I will have to see how they hold up. I hope they last because I have been having great thoughts of larger tiles to be used as trivets for the dinner table. The possibilities are endless, and I will need some to match every room. A great way to simply tie in with your decor, especially if you use the same wallpaper.

Do let me know how you get on if you decide to give these a try and I would love to see any pictures if you make some.

Review: MASH Jr Clothing

2012-01-16T00:49:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: We were sent some clothes from MASH clothing for Piran and Kate to review. Piran was sent this great outfit on the left, which comprised of a pair of jeans and a penguin long sleeved top. Kate was sent a long sleeved top and pair of leggings.

We liked: All items seem to be of a great quality and have washed well. The fabric that Kate's items were made of is very soft and has a great stretch to it so fits really well and the items were easy to get on and off of her. Piran's top is fun and unusual and the jeans are very soft.

We didn't like: I didn't get to choose items myself so I did feel that the decoration on Kate's top was a bit too old for a six month old baby, it has a diamante design and I prefer clothes to be much more simple and childish I guess. Piran's top is age 2 but it is a little short on him round the tummy area but I have a feeling this is quite typical of clothes on Piran.

Overall: Some lovely quality items that look like they will last. I think that these clothes would be towards the top end of my usual price range so I would probably be more inclined to buy them for Piran who wears clothes for a year or so than Kate who is still growing too quickly for anything too special.

Further information: MASH Junior, an Italian childrenswear brand offering beautifully designed, well-crafted clothes that are fun, yet practical and comfortable. MASH Junior is split into two lines - MASH Boy andMASH Kiss, for boys and girls respectively. The age range is 0 month to 16 years.MASH Jr will be launching in the UK market in SS 2012, so at present, for UK customers, the best way to get their hands on MASH Jr is via www.yoox.com who ship internationally.

Make it Monday: To Do Board

2012-01-09T20:37:00.000Z

This year I want to make a concerted effort to make some things I see on Pinterest and not just pin them! So I had an idea to combine two things that I had pinned.

The initial idea was this wipe off weekly menu board, I wanted something to have a to-do list on. I have a blackboard in the kitchen that I use for our meal plan and shopping list so I wanted something else for the hallway. I bought a cheap frame from Homebase this weekend but I didn't have any pretty paper to use. Inspiration struck this morning and a quick rummage through my fabric stash came up with exactly what I wanted.

I ironed the fabric and then cut around an A4 piece of card, including an additional half an inch or so round all four sides.

I put a little pva glue around the edge of the card and folded over the excess fabric making sure that the front was flat and centered how I wanted it.

Then it was just a case of popping it into the frame, banging a picture hook into the wall in the hall and hanging it up.

I don't have any dry wipe markers and I have been using this new system of a post it note to do list that works really well so I decided to combine the two! Another thing that I came across on Pinterest, I just love screwing up the ones that I have done.

I am hoping that the prominence of this in the hallway may encourage others *cough* Mr C *cough* to help me get those things done!

Both of these came from my Organisational Heaven pinterest board. You can follow me, and all my boards if you like!

Time to breathe

2012-01-08T22:05:00.001Z

We have had a lovely weekend. It was the first time in a long time that we just had regular plans, nothing special and we filled our days with good things. Eating, sleeping, cooking, baking, reading, swimming, walking, playing, duck feeding, gardening. I have been mostly offline and enjoying my family.

Now that Christmas is over and the decorations are down I am looking forward to a new year and a more positive start.

Some very wonderful friends on Twitter got a bit bossy with me last week (which was exactly what I needed) and made me realise that I needed to get the sleep situation in this house sorted. Some hard work and dedication on my part and three nights later Piran went to bed last night, lay down say goodnight and fell asleep at seven pm. We didn't hear from him again until 6.30am this morning. Completely amazing.

This meant that Mr C has been able to look after Kate for a couple nights and I have had two wonderful nights of sleep, and on both mornings I have woken naturally instead of being woken and that in itself makes all the difference. I can feel myself relaxing and breathing again.

Kate started 'army crawling' a week before Christmas and each day she gets faster and more mobile. Now she is trying to pull herself up on anything she can find, getting into all sorts of places. She balances on her feet and hands and sticks her bum in the air, like the downward dog yoga pose. It is amazing and mind blowing and we are completely unprepared because Piran didn't get a wriggle on until he was three months older!

I have a busy week and then we are off to Cornwall for a couple weeks so that I can make the most of the last couple of weeks I have before I return to work two days a week from the 1st February. I am looking forward to it on one hand but I know that it will take quite a while until we fall into the routine that works for us.

Review: Mini Micro Scooter

2012-01-03T16:05:00.001Z

Initial thoughts: It seems to me that almost every child has a scooter so when we were offered one for Piran to try out I was keen to see what he would think of it. The Mini Micro Scooter is for age 3-5 years but Piran is tall so I thoought it would be okay.

We liked: It was very easy for me to put together straight out of the box. Piran loves it and can easily go around the house. We have not taken it outside yet as I want him to get used to riding it and be a bit more confident before he tried on harder ground. I am impressed at his balance but at the moment he is pushing more than scooting but that will come with confidence I am sure. He loves watching me whizz around on it.

We didn't like: The instructions are pictures showing you what you should and shouldn't do on the scooter. I don't really like this as a concept as I couldn't be sure I understood exactly what the pictures were saying, confirmation in writing would have made things clearer.

Overall: The scooter seems well made and I see them everywhere which would have encouraged me to purchase them. The scooter is light which will help when I will invariably need to carry it at some point. Piran is a definite fan and keeps calling it his 'bike'.

Further information: The full range of scooters can be seen on the Micro Scooters website. There is a very nifty Mini Micro seat and bar that we will be able to get for Kate in six months or so time so she can use the scooter as a ride on too. Although whether Piran will let her is another matter. The Mini Micro Scooter RRP is £49.95.

Disclaimer: We were sent a Mini Micro Scooter free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Review: Vertabudet clothing

2012-01-03T15:36:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: We were sent a grey striped dress and a green short sleeved cardigan to review for Kate.

I liked: Both items seem to be great quality and look lovely on. The grey dress is my favourite item of the two. They are both very soft and comfortable which is so important at this age.

I didn't like: I didn't think I liked the bright green of the cardigan in the beginning but it has grown on me. Both items have been worn and washed now. The cardigan was a little short in the beginning and after washing has shrunk a little and bobbled. I would have been disappointed if I had spent money on this item. The dress is perfectly fine however and it is a favourite item for Kate to wear. I wish they did them in other colours.

Overall: I have bought clothes from this company previously and a number of maternity items and I have on the whole been very impressed.

Further information: Vertbaudet are a French-based retailer who specialise in selling cute baby clothes as well as fashionable maternity clothes. The dress is in the sale at the moment and a bargain at £6.40.

Disclaimer: We were sent two items free of charge for the purpose of this review.
I had written and posted this review previously but I had issues with my blog and had to take it down as it didn't publish properly. I have had to rewrite and republish it.

Make it Monday: Happiness Jar

2012-01-02T07:55:00.000Z

Happy New Year everyone.We had a quiet but lovely New Year's Eve just me and Mr C. As I said in my last post we had a lovely meal, shared a bottle of wine and opened last year's happiness jar. It was just so wonderful to go through all of the little things that had made me happy in the past six months (I only started last year's jar in July when I saw the idea of Pinterest). We sat and reminisced about all the amazing things that have happened to us recently (most of which I had forgotten already).

Honestly, this has to be the simplest Make It Monday ever.

Just get yourself a jar, put it somewhere that you can see it every day and whenever you feel happy write it down and put it in the jar. Simple. I keep little squares of blank paper in the jar and it sits on our dresser next to a jar of pens so writing something takes hardly any effort at all.

I am going to do exactly the same this year, although I may make the label a little prettier.

Then next New Year's Eve spend some time with your family reading and reminiscing about what a wonderful happy year you have been blessed with.

The Happiness Jar

2011-12-31T18:28:00.001Z

I want to mark the end of this year somehow but whenever I have thought of writing a retrospective post, or something along those lines, I come up short.

This year was by far the hardest year of my life. It was filled with wonderful things, and our family grew, but we have not had the energy to enjoy it much. So much has happened that has been completely forgotten. Lack of sleep, pregnancy amnesia, the fact I have to think of four people all the time instead of just me all conspire against my memory.

Somewhere along the road though I realised that I was not paying enough attention to the little things. I was so wrapped up in looking after a family and myself and finding a way to deal with my PND that all the good things were slipping past unnoticed.

So I started my happiness jar at some point round the end of the summer. When I had the time and inclination I wrote on a slip of paper and dropped it in the jar.

Tonight, over a supper of tapas, and a 10 year old bottle of wine we were given as a wedding present over three years ago, we are going to open the jar.

I'm really rather excited.

In crisis

2011-12-27T19:20:00.001Z

Tis the season to have jolly highs and crashing lows. Winter, the stress if Christmas and visitors, two young over excited children, parenting with an audience, no sleep, critical mothers and comments from others. All this has added up to a couple of meltdowns on my part.

People are treating me like normal which is nice but to be honest I am not back to normal, I still have PND and the truth of the matter is that I am hyper sensitive to any sort of criticism at the moment. I sure as hell can't take a joke. I am delicate and easily wounded. I am angry and moody and depressed and scratchy.

Why does family bring out the worst in you? Isn't that sad? Usually I only have to be around my parents for a few short hours before I'm reverting to stroppy teenager mode. But I'm an adult and a mother.

I can't take my anger out on those people that cause it, as they are guests in our house so I end up being annoyed at Mr C (who does go along with a lot just to be polite but I tar with the same brush as the others usually unfairly). I also have less patience with Piran which is not fair.

I've ended up making decisions and second guessing myself on how to handle situations and then I get so annoyed at myself because it all goes wrong and I should've known better. Trust myself, trust my instincts.

Unfortunately a stomach virus took my parents out of action by 11pm Christmas Eve so all our plans were cancelled and people stayed away for fear of getting sick and so it was a bit of an odd day. We did eventually have Christmas dinner at 6pm in the evening with just us and the children were happy with their presents but it just felt frustrating for me. All the worrying and organising and thinking I did was pointless. We have a lot of turkey to eat. I over ordered the veg too and then only had half the number if guests so there is a lot of soup in our future.

I felt dreadful last night, there were tears and frustration and good friends who were there to listen to me offload. This morning I was still in a crappy mood but a day spent with just Mr C and our gorgeous amazing children has centred me and made me feel more like myself.

There is a lot of uncertainly in our future at the moment, my impeding return to work comes closer and closer. All of this weighs on my mind and makes me feel under pressure. I need to shut it from my mind and just concentrate on now. The next few hours, the next few days. Enjoy the end of 2011 before worrying about 2012.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T07:37:00.001Z

The parents are here, Mr C is off work and it's time to enjoy the festive season.

Seasons greetings to you all x

(My blog is all a bit wonky at the moment, and Blogger is not playing ball. I hope it will all get fixed soon.)

Review: Fairy Princess Tent

2011-12-20T07:18:00.000Z

Castle in Piran's bedroom!

Initial thoughts: We were sent a Fairy Princess Tent from Garden Games to review. As it is not really the best weather for playing outside we decided to put it up indoors for Piran to play in.

We liked: The tent is a hexagonal shape and a good size. Piran is able to stand up inside and it can take him going in and out and in and out! It is a wooden frame with a fabric cover which will be great for creating shade in the garden in the summer. It has three windows and a door with a fabric door and curtains that can be rolled up or left down. It was big enough for Piran and I and a large number of stuffed animals and books and cushions to hang out in. It is definitely bigger than it looked on the website.

We didn't like: One plastic connector was missing from the box when I first tried to put it together. I contacted the company and this was sent out to us immediately. The instructions say that it should take one adult around 15 minutes to put together and all you need is a phillips screwdriver. Well I can put it together in that time but you are meant to add a screw every time you put a wooden pole in a plastic connector. I only did one and stopped. It was hard to screw in and doing them all would have taken ages and I realised that once I did that I would have a large wooden frame that I would have to store. In the end I put it together without the screws and it was my opinion that once the cover was on that was sufficent for indoor use. I would suggest you make up your own mind on that though.

Overall: This will be great fun for Kate and Piran to play with in the summer in the garden. It can be left outside as it is waterproof although they do not suggest you do so for long periods of time. It has a fantastic flag on the top and seems to me to be an item that will last for many years. We had it up in Piran's room and I would put it up inside again on a rainy day to keep him amused.

Further information: The Fairy Princess Tent from Garden Games costs £79.99, please see their website for further details.

Disclosure: We were sent the Fairy Princess Tent free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Review: Peekaboo Barn iPad App

2011-12-13T20:15:00.000Z

Whether I like it or not Piran is a huge fan of my iPad and has quickly mastered how to use it. I limit the use of it but have to admit it is great if I need a few minutes peace and quiet. So when we were offered an iPad app to review I quickly said yes.

Santa having a quiet five minutes

The first was Peekaboo Barn. There is a picture of a barn and then you hear an animal noise. Have a guess which animal it is and then touch the barn and the door opens to reveal the animal. The animal's name appears and a child's voice lets you know what it is. The graphics are fun and bright and there are a range of animals. Some of the names are Americanised (like Rooster) but I don't think that is a problem. Piran really loves this app and I do too. My favourite part is the fact that you can record your voice reading the names of the animals and have that instead. Or at least it was until we used the app today and the barn was covered in snow and decorated for Christmas with the animals all dressed up. Brilliant. Peekaboo Barn is available in the App Store for £1.49.

We were also sent Counting with the Hungry Caterpillar (£1.99) and Go Away, Big Green Monster (£1.99). Both based on classic children's books. Piran loves the Hungry Caterpillar app, even though he can only manage the first stage (there are five) and I think that this will last him a long time. I think it will help with learning counting but would be best used with me there so that I can help and guide his learning. I love the Big Green Monster, especially in the song mode but you can read it yourself or have it read to you. Each part of the monster's face is interactive and the whole app is just great fun.

Disclosure: We were sent the codes to redeem these three iPad apps free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Make it Monday: Advent Calendar Part 2 (and other Christmas crafty bits)

2011-12-12T22:00:00.001Z

So when we left the thrilling tale of my homemade advent calendar *ahem* I needed to embroider on the numbers.

I fell ill and so this was quite easily completed as I ~~lay around in bed watching TV and making Mr C bring me specific food and drink items~~ convalesced. Then I needed to just put everything together.

After a lot of pinning and measuring and moving I finally got all of the pockets spaced evenly out the way I wanted them. The next step was to sew each on in place around three sides. Once this was done I cut a piece of calico the same size and after placing the two pieces of material right sides together and adding in three ribbon loops at the top I sewed all round the edge, making sure that I left a gap at the bottom for turning.

I trimmed the seams and clipped the corners and then turned it right sides out. A quick press with the iron and then I topstitched all around the edge, which closed up the hole at the bottom.

I am really happy with the way that it turned out and that I managed to finish it before the start of December. Piran loves going to see what is in it each morning. I want to make a patch to sew on the back with my name and the date but I will just do that before it gets put away this year.

§ § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § §

I have been making some other decorations too. I just love these 3D snowflakes that I discovered on M is for Make. I made five and hung them using invisible thread from my bedroom ceiling. I love just lying in bed and watching them move gently. So calming.

I made a wreath for the front door with ivy, dried orange slices and cinnamon sticks. Sadly last night it was blown off the front door and into the garden and the rain rehydrated the orange slices. They took me ages to do, so annoying! It is holding on in there but it looks a bit sorry for itself.

I am also a little obsessed with making paper snowflakes. I have found some great posts via Pinterest that show you how to make certain patterns. You can see those and more on my Festive board. Now I know how to fold the paper mine are turning out great.

I am not making too many presents this year but I was brave and used this tutorial to make a couple of skirts for my two nieces. They aren't perfect and I don't know if they will like them but I am proud of myself for trying something new. Excuse the bad photos, I have put my camera somewhere safe so everything is on my phone. I was also in a rush to get these wrapped and posted.

December

2011-12-12T19:30:00.000Z

Well that last post was quite intense and miserable and then I disappeared for ages!

We have just had three weeks of illness and it is taking all our energy to get through each day making sure everyone is fed, watered and getting as much sleep as they can (sadly, not a lot).

There was a stomach bug, followed by a round of colds and both Piran and Kate have chest infections. I am ill too but it kind of fades into the background until I have a quiet five minutes, when it all hits me. I am dealing with a frustrated toddler who has not been out much and feels bad so acts up and it can be such hard work. Kate cries and stresses and is so unhappy but still will not let me cuddle her to make her better. Just once I held on long enough that her crying and head butting my shoulder stopped and she fell asleep. Can you believe that the last time I remember her falling asleep on anyone was when she was about four months old. She is so feisty and independent.

I wish that I was feeling happy and festive. Sadly I am not. I love Christmas and not only is this our first Christmas as a family of four it is our first at home since we had children and
I feel that this year will be the year that decides our traditions and routines and the rhythm of Christmas for us. My two sets of parents did things quite differently so I am keen to do things my way. Mind you at this rate it'll be cook, eat, collapse. I have finished almost all the presents and I've written all my cards (just need to do the ones that I had inevitably forgotten).

One minute December was here and now we are half way to Christmas. I have managed to do a bit of Christmas crafting which cheers me up. I've been making 3D snowflakes and normal flat ones for the windows too. Piran and I made paper chains which was nice. I missed the Tots 100 Christmas party this weekend which was upsetting as we had booked the whole weekend away as a family.

All the energy I have had I've been trying to do nice things with Piran and Kate. Piran loves cooking at the moment which has happily coincided with Kate's weaning so we have been baking and cooking and making treats for her. Kate is desperately trying to crawl, she gets forward but her legs get trapped under her and more often than not she ends up head butting the floor. She can definitely get around the room one way or another though, I dozed off on the sofa watching tv with Piran for five minutes last week and when I woke she had got right across the room and was licking the crumbs off my toast plate. She is definitely determined!

I want to get back to this blog, find some time for me and the things that I want to do. I have reviews I need to write which always bothers me if I feel they are overdue. I will find time, we have medicine and things are getting better. A decent nights sleep wouldn't hurt. Maybe I'll ask Santa for Christmas.

A post doesn't feel complete to me without a picture so I'll add these two. My babies are hard work when they are ill but luckily they look so beautiful when they are asleep that I forgive them anything.

Today...

2011-12-01T18:27:00.001Z

Today the noise has been incessant, with one or both children whining of crying at all times.
Today has been disagreement after disagreement.
Today has been constantly telling Piran not to do this, or not to do that.
Today my parenting style was mostly hypocritical.
Today was a day of bribery and the currency has been biscuits.
Today has been back to back episodes of TV shows just for a five minute break.
Today was a hamster wheel day of meals that were not eaten and food picked off the floor.
Today was empty and lonely even though I spent it with friends.
Today has been feeling every last minute of the seven months of sleep deprivation.
Today my voice has been sterner and louder than it should have been.
Today was filled with irrational thoughts and overreactions.
Today I felt like the whole world was against me.
Today I moved constantly and still got nothing done.
Today my body hurts and my brain refuses to work.
Today a stained sink seemed to represent everything that felt wrong with my life.
Today was far too introspective which is never good.
Today there have been very few smiles, and far too many tears.
Today there was a synchronised poo moment that made me wonder what I had done to deserve this.
Today was a battle of wills where every victory just wore me down further.
Today has been feeling a failure at everything that I do.
Today has been chaos.
Today cannot end soon enough.

Review: Natural Slate Cheeseboard

2011-11-30T21:46:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: When we were offered an item from The Handpicked Collection's top 25 gifts for Christmas to review it was hard to pick just one. In the end I decided on this Natural Slate Cheeseboard as it seemed unusual but functional.

I liked: It comes in a lovely gift box making this the ideal Christmas present for the foodie in your life. It is different and I think it will be a real talking point at the Christmas dinner table. We don't do much entertaining but I can think of a lot of other uses than just cheese for the board so that it gets plenty of use.

I didn't like: I would keep small fingers away from the edges as slate is naturally sharp but that is just a little thing and this is more likely to be used after the children are in bed!

Overall: I think that the Natural Slate Cheeseboard is a great gift. In fact there are so many lovely items on the website that I haven't been stuck for gift ideas for anyone at all this year. Plus there are lots of things that I would love myself, so I might be pointing others in that direction too.

Further information:
Product name: Natural Slate Cheeseboard
Product price: £14.95
Product details: Gift-boxed. With foam on base to protect table. Size: 35 x 25cm. One stick of chalk included. Suitable for dinner parties of 6-8 people. Made in the UK

Disclosure: We were sent a Natural Slate Cheeseboard free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Make it Monday: Christmas Cards

2011-11-30T21:28:00.001Z

Yes I know it is Wednesday but I am a bit behind this week!

I just wanted to show you what Piran and I have been making this week. Christmas cards! A couple weeks ago we tried potato printing for the first time and did some handprints as well. I cut them out and then we used them to decorate some cards which will be used for Grandparents and other special people.

We used the prints we had made and I have a box of festive card making bits I bought two years ago when a local craft wholesaler opened their warehouse and let us in to shop. I paid around £10 and over three Christmases I have barely made a dent. Brilliant value and loads of fun this year now that I have a helper.

Piran was obsessed by this snowflake stamper.

The designs are mostly mine with embellishments by Piran.

I wasn't feeling brave enough to break out the glitter so we stuck to stickers!

Each one has a Piran handprint and 'Made by Piran aged 2' on the back.

Review: The Art of Roughhousing

2011-11-30T21:07:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: We were sent The Art of Roughhousing shortly after Kate was born and after an initial flick through I am afraid to say that it got put to one side and forgotten about. Then a couple weeks ago it was a rainy day and it caught my eye on the bookshelf so I had a quick browse and found myself really interested.

I liked: I was really interested in the first chapter which goes through the benefits of roughhousing. I know that it is just playing at the end of the day but it gave me the confidence to try some things that I might not have been confident enough to try otherwise. It also gave me some ideas to amuse a toddler on a rainy day.

I didn't like: My own limitations! I don't have a strong back and I have to be very careful with what I do. Mr C is the same and so a lot of the lifting type activities weren't good for us. Also, there are not many suggestions for younger children and so we are limited by what we can get from this book at the moment. As the children get older I am sure that will change.

Overall: I think that this book is great for confidence building and for ideas and suggestions of games and things to do. The chapter on getting started with instant roughhousing was the best part for us in the beginning. I think this would make a nice stocking filler for a Dad (or Mum).

Further information: The Art of Roughhousing is available on Amazon for £8.99

Disclaimer: We were sent a copy of The Art of Roughhousing free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Review: Scosche backSTAGE iPad case

2011-11-30T20:46:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: When I was offered a Scosche backSTAGE car seat headrest mount for mounting my iPad in the car to review I jumped at the chance. We do lots of long car journeys and I had been considering buying a DVD player for Piran but this meant we could use my iPad instead.

We liked: The case seems sturdy and does the job it is meant to. It was easy to attach to the headrest and can be left in the car and the iPad just slid in and out. It comes with an anti-glade screen protector as well which is great for daytime watching.

We didn't like: The 'Ballistic nylon material' is a bit grey and dull and the way that it is made makes it look tatty around the edges. It is strong though and I guess as long as it does the job it is meant to then all is well but I am a fan of things that look good as well.

Overall: If Piran sees the iPad he wants to play his games so he was a bit put out that he was just meant to sit and watch. That said, he soon got the idea. The iPad is far enough away for him to see but close enough for him to wear headphones so we will be purchasing some so we can listen to music when he watches a film. Suddenly the trips to and from Cornwall don't seem too daunting.

Further information: The Scosche backSTAGE car seat headrest mount costs £27.99 and has the following features:

Wide velcro strap easily secures to most headrests
Ballistic nylon material provides superior protection
Mesh pockets provide ideal accessory storage space
Open design allows access to all connection and ports
Includes Anti-Glare screen protecto

Disclosure: We were sent an iPad case free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Review: The Little Green Sheep Organic Baby Nightgown

2011-11-29T06:25:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: When I received this for review we were in the middle of summer and at the time Kate wasn't wearing much more than a nappy to sleep in at night so it was popped into the back of the cupboard. I have been using it since the end of the summer and it has now been worn a number of times.

I liked: It is obviously a well made, quality item that washes well. As with most organic cotton it shouldn't go in the tumble dryer which is a bit inconvenient but it feels very nice and soft anyway. At £11.95 I think this is a great value price for an organic item. They also do a 2 pack and it comes in either eco-natural or white.

I didn't like: The sleeves are very long. They have ends that you turn over to stop the baby scratching their face which is useful but I would have felt it was too long on a small baby for quite a long time which would have stopped me using it. Now the sleeves are still long but Kate's feet are poking out of the bottom, and she is only 7 months, it does say that this is sized up to 9 months.

Overall: You can't beat these nightgowns for night time nappy changes, no poppers to fumble with when you are sleepy. This nightgown has a cloth tie at the bottom, others that I have used had elastic which I find better but it didn't cause any issues. Kate seemed really happy and snug in this nightgown and loved that she could get to her feet! This would make a nice gift for a new baby too.

Further information: Baby nightgowns can be purchased from The Little Green Sheep website.

They say: This luxurious baby nightgown is a newborn baby must-have, and makes for a comforting and snug night's sleep. Made from the finest soft organic jersey cotton, each nightgown is free from any chemicals and is unisex, suitable for either a baby boy or baby girl. Includes integrated scratch mitts.

Disclosure: We were sent a baby nightgown free of charge for the purpose of this review.

My name is Kelly and I have Postnatal Depression

2011-11-28T11:58:00.001Z

When I started to realise that something wasn't right with me and how I felt after Kate was born I initally spoke to Mr C. Then, before even making that first trip to the doctor I turned to my blog to write. It is what I have always done when upset, or anxious or struggling in the past and it was the natural place for me to get it all out of my head. Snapshots was the post that I wrote on the 16th July this year.

Since then I have written a number of posts, some positive and happy, others not so much but always writing and sharing. And through doing so I have learned that I am not alone, that there are others out there who have felt this way and have found the time to leave me a comment and support me in some way.

I have never been afraid to admit how I am feeling I have openly told people that I have had Postnatal Depression this time round. Although I hated saying "I am suffering postnatal depression" so I have tried to say experiencing instead of suffering. To me suffering makes it sound like I am passive and I am not. I am doing everything I can to find a way out of this. Perhaps I am happier to talk because I have suffered from depression in the past. However I do know that others may feel completely different from me. And I cannot imagine what it could be like to feel so bad that you are unable to reach out and speak to anyone at all. I could not have got to the place that I am at now without the love and support of my friends and family, the doctor I have been seeing, the group that they sent me to.

I remember when I was talking to the Health Visitor in the first place, asking for the contact details so I could go to a group and she was very apologetic that we were talking in the room where the babies were being weighed and she hid her face and whispered. I remember being really shocked. If she acts like that then someone else might get the impression that it is something to be embarrassed about, or ashamed of. If that Health Visitor was the first person I had seen and she made me feel like that perhaps I would never have talked to others, or attended my group.

Until people stand up and admit that this is NORMAL. That this happens to all sorts of people in all sorts of situations then there will always be a stigma attached to it. Today I have discovered a new blog Boo and Me and she feels the same and is doing something about it. The little badge below is from her site. Others have written about this recently and I just wanted to add my voice to the mix. Read about how she is trying to raise money for The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation by arranging a raffle. Please, visit the site A Helping Hand and then buy a ticket or two if you can.

A day full of friends

2011-11-26T21:10:00.001Z

Today I was lucky enough to have a free day, to leave life and children behind and go and meet some very special friends. Traveling to and from I had time to crochet and to read.

We didn't do anything particular, just had a wander round Borough Market where we took pictures, and I took pictures of my friends taking pictures. Then we stopped for coffee and chatter, a bit of a walk, a wander to the Tate Modern, some lunch and somewhere else for tea and cake.

We basically fed and watered ourselves all day and just talked and talked and talked. The topics ranged from knitting and crochet, gadgets, holidays, children, food, discipline, relationships with families and parents, tales from our life, blogging, tweeting and so much more.

It is so nice to have made these friends. We live all spread out and getting together seems to only happen every few months but each time I come away refreshed and happy.

We met online but our friendships are definitely real. Heather and Emily are fantastic to talk to about toddler woes and sleepless nights. Victoria and Paula have older children and give an interesting perspective to all our parenting chats. They make me realise that this bit won't last forever and that soon weaning and lack of sleep with be replaced by emerging friendships and school and siblings growing up together.

I think that it's unlikely that I would have ever developed friendships like these in real life. My blog is the best and the worst of me, and I am always honest so there is no point pretending they already know what I am like!

Here are a few pictures from today. My favourite is everyone chatting.

The Gallery: Something I am proud of

2011-11-23T16:00:00.001Z

This rather dodgy collage may seem like an odd thing to be proud of. It is not the collage itself but what it represents.

Today was our last session of our Postnatal Depression support group. We were asked to make a picture or write something that showed our journey over the past ten weeks. This was mine. It may seem a bit odd but in essence on the left is me having a baby and already being a mum to a toddler. That I was shaken to my core with how I felt afterwards. That I wanted some treatment.

Then I went to group and was made to feel welcome.

On the right hand side I picked words that describe what my life is starting to be like, and how I want our life to be.

At the bottom is my new mantra. Thank you to Emily for sharing this with me recently. The words have been firmly stuck in my head since I heard them and I think it sums up my new frame of mind perfectly.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of the other women on my course. I am proud of the way we opened up and supported each other. I am proud that I plucked up the courage and went on the first day. I am proud that even though Kate had a complete meltdown in our first session I still went back. I am proud that I went along with an open mind and heart. I have learnt so much about myself. I can see how lost I was back then, and how far I have come. I am proud that I have been able to acknowledge that something was wrong, that I needed help and that I sought the help I needed. I am proud that I have felt able to write about my experience here, and I hope that this might make others feel less alone.

I am proud that I have seen this course through to the end and taken the messages and techniques away and applied them to my life so we can all move on from this difficult time and start to enjoy our life as a family of four.

Make it Monday: Advent Calendar Part 1

2011-11-21T19:58:00.001Z

The hardest thing about being so tired is not having the energy once the day is done and the kids in bed to do the things that I really want to do. Sewing takes braincells and if I am tired I make mistakes.

So progress on the advent calendar is slower than I would like but a deadline is a deadline so I am making time to do it bit by bit.

I am backing it with my fantastic reindeer fabric so I measured what I had an worked out what size the pockets needed to be to get six rows of four and then cut them out allowing for a 1cm seam around the two sides and bottom and 2cm at the top so I could fold it over twice for a neater edge. My pockets are 9cm square so I cut my material 11cm x 12cm. I cut out 24 pieces from 6 different materials.

I then emellished them slightly using bit of ribbon and the other fabrics so each one is different.

Last night I hemmed all of them.

Then I played around with the arrangement.

Afterward I lay them on the fabric and switched a couple around to make it more balanced. After some deliberation I finally settled on the layout and then used numbered stickers to mark where each of them belongs.

The next step is to embroider the numbers onto each. It is a simple enough thing to do in front of the TV so hopefully I will get them done this week. Piran being ill and staying home today didn't help much!

I am really pleased with how it is looking so far. I need to get on and get it done as I have bought the things to go in it!

Also I finally finished my tunic top! I am really pleased with it. Not the best photo mind you!

Review: Photobox Canvas

2011-11-19T21:39:00.000Z

Initial thoughts: When I was contacted by Photobox asking if I would like to review a canvas I immediately thought it would be a nice idea to get a picture of Kate and Piran as a Christmas present for my inlaws. I was trying to get the perfect picture (it is impossible to get a picture of the two of them looking at the camera and vaguely normal) but hadn't found the right one yet. Then I had a sudden flash of inspiration and decided instead to make something special to decorate the smallest room in my house which is dull and not pretty enough. So I made this collage on Instagram pictures from the last six months.

I liked: I was so nervous when this arrived it took me a few hours to pluck up courage to open it. However once I did I was totally and utterly in love. The picture is fabulous and the print quality is brilliant. The canvas was well packaged and I thought delivery was quick (I ordered Thursday night, I received Tuesday first thing). It was very easy to upload the picture and create the canvas and the website tells you whether the picture quality is adequate.

I didn't like: My only issue was when the canvas was delivered the extra polystyrene padding for the corners had made a dent on each corner of the canvas. However a few taps to stretch the canvas on the frame and being left overnight seems to have done the trick.

Overall: Canvas prints are not cheap but I do think that they make lovely presents. This one is 40.6cm x 40.6cm and costs £41.99. However Photobox always have good offers on and they now also do a new Lite Canvas which have a thinner frame and are cheaper.

Here is my canvas. What do you think? I can spend hours pouring over all the pictures and talking about all the memories.

Further information: Check out Photobox's website for loads of gift ideas. Great for Christmas presents. Personally I want one of these iPhone 4 covers but I am really going to have to think hard about which photo to use.

Disclosure: I received a credit into my Photobox account to cover most of the cost of this canvas for the purpose of this review.

{If anyone is interested all the pictures were taken on my iPhone and edited and posted in Instagram. I then made a collage of 81 pictures in Picasa and saved it as a jpeg. This is what I uploaded and created my canvas from.}

Home

2011-11-19T21:12:00.000Z

I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about what makes me happy and what makes me feel worried or upset or anxious. I am starting to realise that the chances are that life will never magically make me happy, that like everything good in this life, such as marriage or being a parent you have to really work at it to get the best from it. You get out what you put in I suppose.

So it is time for a change in perspective for me. I have decided that instead of thinking about what I want in the future or feeling worried that I will never achieve my dream of returning to Cornwall and living there with my family that I need to focus on the what I actually have in my life and how wonderful it is. Yes, the house is feeling smaller and smaller as we go on, and the kitchen is tiny and other things I could mention. But it has come a million miles from the cold, dark, unloved house that we viewed five years ago and we have made into a lovely place to live.

I have always loved living here but now it is time to start loving my house. Making it into the house that I want, that will contain my family and make us all feel happy and warm and cosy and loved. Make it into a home.

There are blogs that I read that instill these feelings in me. Everything Cherry Menlove writes inspires me and I am totally in awe of her spirit and beauty and the way that she writes about her home and family. This post in particular and what she wrote about how a home should work for you and nourish you really made me think. I left a comment on one of her posts recently and she sent me a personal email after reading some of my blog. I was totally awe struck!

I love Little Red Buttons and this post about how something in your home should be beautiful or useful (or both) has had me throwing rubbish out left, right and centre. No more tat. No more rubbish. This is not going to be a quick process but little by little I am going to reclaim bits of our house until it is a place I am proud of.

I have realised most of all that clutter makes me really anxious. I want those feelings gone and so I am working on finding a place for everything and then putting everything in its place. All I want to do once both children are in bed is collapse but ten minutes tidying means that when I do collapse I am also able to relax, and that is exactly what I need.

Review: Hotter shoes

2011-11-16T21:34:00.001Z

Initial thoughts: When I was contacted and asked if I would like to review a pair of Hotter shoes I was a bit dubious that I would find something that I would like. They have a store in Eastbourne where I regularly shop and it is always choc full of shall we say a more elderly clientele. However I had a look at their website and found a trainer style that had good reviews. I had been looking for something comfortable to wear when out walking with the buggy and the Leanne Shoes seemed to fit the bill.

I liked: These shoes are so very comfortable. They are the first pair of trainers or shoes that I can ever remember wearing for the first time that didn't irritate me in some way. The soles are cushioned and comfortable and the trainers are light and easy to wear.

I didn't like: The only thing that I found strange is that they make my feet look a bit bigger than normal! However they have lots of room for me to wiggle my toes so it is totally worth it.

Overall: I am always nervous about ordering shoes online as I usually try on a number of pairs before picking the ones I want. Hotter have a 100% happy guarantee and hassle free returns policy so that seems great. Although these are by no means the most fashionable shoes I own they are perfect for walking and playing in the park and I don't mind if they get scruffy and dirty. At £55 they are a bit more expensive than I would have spent in the past but as they are so comfortable I definitely think they are worth it. I am going back to work in a couple of months and I am already eyeing up a couple of pairs that would be perfect, including a black patent pair of heels that look great.

Further information: Check out the Hotter Shoes website - they have a £5 off and free shipping offer at the moment.

Wearing my shoes, playing on the swings.

Disclaimer: I was sent a pair of these shoes free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Blog Camp Brighton: October 2011

2011-11-15T21:28:00.001Z

Back at the start of October Kate and I went along to the Photography Blog Camp in Brighton put on by the Tots 100 and Photobox. It was a really interesting morning and I loved getting the chance to spend a little time with some of my favourite bloggers and pick up some tips on photography. It is something that I would love to have the time to learn properly, we have a digital SLR but it is always on automatic.

My favourite speaker was Ghene Snowdon (WARNING: clicking on this link may affect you in strange ways. Lots of very cute baby pictures. You know the sort, with them just wearing hats that make you want to have another baby RIGHT NOW!) who gave some great tips about lighting and framing. I was also impressed with the editing tips from Paul Sanders and I have been trying to use these as much as I can. The picture of mum from yesterday's post was taken the same day that I attended the Blogcamp session and I definitely feel that it benefited from some quick editing.

These pictures below were taken by Ghene at the end of the session. It was amazing to see how she can edit them directly in her camera and she kindly sent them through to me recently and I just had to share them with you. Even though Kate was not a particularly willing model and was only happy in my arms she still got two great shots that I love. The first one in particular.

Thanks once again to the Tots100 for such a fantastic free event. I would highly recommend that you register and try and attend any in your area.

Review and Discount: DaisychainBaby

2011-11-15T19:50:00.001Z

Back at the beginning of the summer the ever so lovely Lindsay from DaisychainBaby sent Piran and Kate some clothes to try. I have been a bit behind with all of my reviews recently so I have managed to give them a really good test.

DaisychainBaby is an online eco-friendly retailer, specialising in organic and ethically sourced clothing, gifts and accessories for children aged 0-5.They offer a wide range of fairly priced items for babies and young children, ensuring that all products are sourced solely from suppliers who are as equally committed to protecting little peoples skin and their future as they are.

Piran was sent a size 2-3 lovely red long sleeved Rock Star T-Shirt from Green Eyed Monster. I am familiar with the brand as he had a pair of jeans shorts that were made by them. The top is a great quality item, it feels so soft and washes well. It has been worn and washed many times and still looks as good as the first time he wore it. At £17.50 I think it is at the high end of what I would spend but as long as he was going to get a lot of wear out of it I am happy to pay that price for an unusual item. The only issue I have had is that the neck hole is a little tight - he might have a bigger head than others I am not sure but I think that would stop him wearing it all the way to when he turns three.

Kate was sent a beautiful smock top and pair of trousers from Little Shrimp in size 3-6 months. She has been wearing these for the past three months and at six months she still has quite a bit of wear left in them, the top in particular due to the smock style. The green spotty top is just lovely and the trousers are very soft and comfortable. At £18 and £15 respectively they are a bit more than I would usually paid but the quality is fantastic and it is one of those outfits that I choose for Kate to wear as soon as it is clean again. I am not a person who irons but this top definitely needs it before wearing again, that is the only bad thing I could say. I loved the green and the fact it was spotty, I have an aversion to pink but the trousers were fine with the green. They would be a lovely gift for a special small person. We were also sent the sleeveless Purple Star Babyvest which was lovely in the warm weather. It is currently in the sale, could be worth stocking up for next Summer, they go up to 18 months.

Kate wearing the Little Shrimp outfit.

DaisychainBaby is kindly offering A place of my own readers 20% off all orders. Just use the code REVIEW at the checkout. Just in time for Christmas!

Disclosure: I was sent the clothes and a small gift for Piran free of charge for the purpose of this review.

Finding my way again

2011-11-14T19:01:00.001Z

In my PND group last week we were talking about expectations and positive and negative thoughts and how you may say and think one thing but if you take the time to examine it then you realise that actually you are wrong.

One thing I have said over and over to Mr C in the past few months is that 'I don't get anything done on the days that I am with Piran and Kate all day' (Tuesdays and Thursdays). Now before people lynch me I know that there are many people out there that do the full time stay at home thing with two and more children all the time but I am talking about me here, and how I cope.

When I talked about this in group I set myself a homework to actually take note of what I did on these days. I feel like I don't achieve anything but the truth is that on those days the house gets very untidy and I rarely manage to clear the kitchen and do the washing up before Mr C gets home.

So last Thursday I wrote a list of everything I did all day. It was pages and pages long and it made me realise that if I lower my expectations a little (why do we expect so much of ourselves?) then more of my days will be a good day.

For weeks I have been going to group and the two other ladies say that they are feeling positive and that they are getting better and I drag myself in feeling like I am getting worse and that I am always bringing the group down. But I am now thinking that if I lower my standards then more of my days will be good days and I will feel better.

It really is already working. I didn't do the dishes or tidy up on Thursday last week but I did get two children dressed, fed and out of the house twice. I did a bit of laundry and played with my children. I was tired and stressed but overall it was a good day. And since I lowered my standards a little there have been more and more good days. Accepting that a bad hour doesn't ruin a day has helped a lot as well.

Finally I feel that the good days are outnumbering the bad. I do feel like the fog is lifting somewhat and I have the sparks of a bit of energy to expend on something other than just getting through the day. I feel a bit inspired and a bit silly. I have noticed myself laughing a little, and teasing Mr C. Behaviours that I didn't miss when they were gone but am shocked when I find myself doing them again. I sat and wrote my love letter to myself and it reminded me of more of these things. Like the fact I love animal socks and comedy dancing. I know I still have a long way to go but I feel like I am looking up, not down for the first time in a long time.

With clarity comes some sadness and regret. That my darling husband has had to deal with all of this. That I have perhaps not been playing with my children as much as I should have. Details, like the fact that at Kate and Piran's Christening I didn't get pictures of them with their godparents. I am really upset about that. I really was in a state back then.

But there is no point dwelling on the past, it is time to look towards the future. And the future is all sparkly and Christmassy so that is a winner. It is our first Christmas at home since we became a family and my mum and stepdad are coming to stay. The inlaws will be here too and I really hope that it is a special time. I am taking back control of me. I have lost 15.5lbs and gone from a size 16 to a size 14. Today I packed up all my size 16 clothes and put them in storage bags with my summer clothes. If I haven't had to get them down from the loft by next summer I will get rid of them.

I am also trying to get myself organised and back on track, with the blog and with life. I have many reviews to write so I may be posting one every day or two until they are cleared. I also have a couple of posts that I really want to write (this was one of them) as well as the Make it Monday posts so it might be a bit busy round here!

Because I don't really like a post without a photo, but I don't have one that goes with this post I have these two instead. Firstly, my MIL bought round some old pictures of Mr C and his sister and I made this little collage last night. I think they look so alike!

Secondly it is my wonderful Mum's birthday today so I thought I would put my favourite recent picture of her too.

Thank you all for all the love and support that you have shown me over the past few months. Every comment, every tweet means the world to me and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I didn't have such a wonderful amount of support.

Make it Monday: Projects

2011-11-14T07:50:00.001Z

I have a very bad habit (or good habit depending on your point of view) of buying fabric and other supplies for all of the wonderful things that I am going to make and not getting time to start, or finish each of my projects.

So I thought this week would be the best time to list what I am in the middle of making, or that I would like to make and then I will have a list to refer to. I also need to organise what I need to make as some things have deadlines.

Tunic top

Last Friday I had a rare whole child free day so that I could go to my favourite shop in Eastbourne, the Owl and Sewing Cat for a dressmaking course. I decided to make myself a tunic top and after my usual indecisiveness when picking the fabric I got started, laying out the pattern, cutting my pieces and then sewing. I had a really lovely day. There were three other people and Tracey who owns the shop running the session. It was really nice to have people to talk to as I was sewing too.

I just have to sew on the button and the button loop and I am finished. Then I will get Mr C to take a better picture of the finished top. I am really pleased with my choice of fabric, I really wanted to have something autumnal. I had such a great time and I now feel confident enough to try and make Kate and Piran some clothes.

Advent Calendar

I have finally started my advent calendar this weekend. On Saturday I cut the fabric for the pockets and decorated them with ribbon and fabric and stuck it all on with Bondaweb. The next job is to stitch up the pockets on the machine and I would like to add a little decorative stitching too. Have to make sure it doesn't take too much time though as I still have to put it all together by the end of November.

Table Runner

An easy project using the amazing Christmas fabric I bought. I only got half a metre but the fabric is 280cm wide. I have had the 80cm piece for the advent calendar and the 2 metres is going to be a table runner. I just need to sew bias binding round the edge. Needs to be done by mid December ideally.

Christmas Stockings

I want to make four special Christmas stockings for us. We have bought ones that we have used in the past but I want nice ones that we can use year after year. I need to design and template and make sure I have some batting as I want to make the front quilted. I also might need something to line them but I am not sure what to use (I might have something in my fabric stash). Definite deadline of the 24th December.

Dress for Kate

I really want to make something nice for Kate and I have lots of fabric around so I just need to pick a pattern and get sewing.

Skirts for my nieces

I have two lovely nieces and I want to make them skirts for Christmas. I need my mum to go and measure one of them and I need to pick fabric and buy elastic for the waistband. I am going to use this pattern. I should get these done by early December and they will need to be wrapped and posted.

Trousers for Piran

Potty training is on the horizon but I cannot find any trousers that have an elasticated waist that I like but I have found this pattern and I reckon I could manage it. Totally undecided on fabric though. Deadline will be when Piran stops refusing to sit on either the potty or the toilet and crying his eyes out when I suggest it. So, no rush.

Cushion for Mum

I have some Liberty fabrics that I want to make a patchwork cushion with for Mum for Christmas. Just need to pick a pattern and get sewing. December probably.

Cross stitch

Mr C bought me a lovely Campervan cross stitch tapestry thingy for my birthday. I have done some of it (maybe a quarter) but I tend to do that when we are watching TV. No rush.

Crochet Blanket

This has been in my crochet bag for at least six months and I started it well over a year ago. I have made it too long and each row takes forever but I like to do it on a cold evening in front of the television so maybe over the winter months there will be some progress.

Christmas Cards

Piran and I have started to make Christmas cards I just need to stick some bits down and then get him to decorate them. Hope to do it this week.

Kate's shelves

I bought a set of wall shelves on eBay but the colour is almost identical to the paint I have used on Kate's wall so these need to be cleaned, prepared and painted before they are hung up. No rush but I need supplies first.

Christmas decorations

I have lots of ideas floating around about decorating for Christmas but I am not sure where to start! I am planning on getting all of the practical bits out of the way before this so I will revisit in December.

Napkins

I wanted to make napkins but have decided to order red ones from eBay and I will embroider them to make them Christmassy.

Button light and lamp

Kate's lampshade and light shade in her room are plain cream and I want to make them pretty by sticking on buttons. I treated myself to some fabric glue this weekend so I just need to pick up some cheap buttons from somewhere. Again, this can wait until after Christmas.

Oh my, that is a long list. Things kept coming to me as I typed. I am sure there are more but that is more than enough to be going on with.

What about you, do you have any works in progress or exciting plans of things to make? Please leave me a comment telling me more, I would love to know all about it.

Silent Sunday #52

2011-11-13T09:42:00.001Z

Review and Giveaway: Home for Christmas by Cally Taylor

2011-11-10T07:30:00.000Z

My lovely friend Cally Taylor has a brand new book published today (she also had a baby a few weeks ago, my mind boggles with how tired she must be). She very kindly sent me a copy to review which arrived the day before I went into hospital as a day case, which was a relief as I wouldn't normally have time to read a book. She has kindly offered me a copy to giveaway and answered some of my random questions that I came up with as I was reading. Read on to find out what I thought and how to enter.

Beth Prince has always loved fairytales and now, aged twenty-four, she feels like she's finally on the verge of her own happily ever after. She lives by the seaside, works in the Picturebox - a charming but rundown independent cinema - and has a boyfriend who's so debonair and charming she can't believe her luck! There's just one problem - none of her boyfriends have ever told her they love her and it doesn't look like Aiden's going to say it any time soon. Desperate to hear 'I love you' for the first time Beth takes matters into her own hands - and instantly wishes she hadn't. Just when it seems like her luck can't get any worse, bad news arrives in the devilishly handsome shape of Matt Jones. Matt is the regional director of a multiplex cinema and he's determined to get his hands on the Picturebox by Christmas. Can Beth keep her job, her man and her home or is her romantic-comedy life about to turn into a disaster movie?

I thought that this was a lovely story. I am a fan of the genre and I loved that the book is set in Brighton. Also it is set at Christmas and I love anything to do with Christmas. Cally writes characters that I can identify with and really like. I felt that the chemistry between the two main characters was really believable. The book is written from the point of view of the two main characters Beth and Matt and I felt that this made the story flow and made it hard to put the book down. It made me laugh out loud in places and I really got swept up into these characters lives. Overall I felt that it was a great romantic read and really put a smile on my face.

I put a few questions to Cally that had popped into my mind when I was reading 'Home for Christmas'.

I laughed aloud when reading the book, is it hard to be humourous when writing?

Writing humour is difficult. Sometimes, when I'm in a silly mood it just flows and I make myself laugh out loud. At other times, when my mood is a bit more serious, it can be like pulling teeth! Then there's the fact that things that make me laugh, other people don't get. But when I DO make people laugh it's the best feeling ever - you telling me that 'Home for Christmas' made you laugh when you were in the hospital made my day!

Home for Christmas is set in Brighton (where we met!). Did you enjoy writing about a place you know so well? Do you do most of it from memory or did you have to do lots of research?

I LOVED writing about Brighton because, at the time of writing it, I'd lived there for thirteen years and knew it like the back of my hand. I didn't have to do any research - I just had to shut my eyes to instantly transport myself onto the seafront on a rainy day or into a pub when it was snowing outside. Brighton's a little bit magical and I thought it was the perfect setting for a Christmas story about love.

I remember seeing you tweet that you were getting a bit drunk to enable you to write a particular scene. Are there some parts that you find hard to write?

Hee hee! Yes, I had to have a couple of glasses of wine before I wrote the sex scene in Home for Christmas - partly to make myself feel less self-conscious and partly to block out the fact my mum and dad would read it when the book was published!

Your first novel, Heaven Can Wait had a supernatural theme. Did you consider exploring that area further in your second novel?

The first draft of my second novel was called 'Happiness Ever After' and featured guardian angels however, unlike 'Heaven Can Wait' (my first novel) where the supernatural element was vital to the plot, myself, my agent and my editor agreed that the story would be stronger if it was a straight romantic comedy so we dropped the supernatural element and I rewrote the novel that became 'Home for Christmas'.

Do you make you characters up from scratch or are they based on people you know in real life?

90% of my characters are created from scratch but I have written a couple of characters that are slightly based on people I know. And of course I do put a little bit of myself into some of my characters - but I'm not telling you which ones! ;)

What is your favourite part of Christmas?

My favourite part of Christmas is the build up and the anticipation. I love getting in the mood for Christmas by decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music or going out shopping for presents and then wrapping them up. Ooh, and you can't beat a good Christmas film. I feel all Christmassy just thinking about it!

If you would like to win a signed copy of 'Home for Christmas' there are two ways to enter:
1. Leave a comment on this post telling me which is your favourite thing about Christmas (please ensure that there is a way of contacting you - twitter ID or email address where possible).

2. Tweet:
I am entering @Kellyfairy's competition http://bit.ly/6S5eU to win a copy of Home for Christmas by @callytaylor #competition

If you tweet please leave a seperate comment so I can count it as an entry.

You can buy the book here. Also, check out Cally's blog where she is having an exciting competition to celebrate the publication of 'Home for Christmas'.

Small print: This competition is open until midnight on Wednesday 16th November 2011. It is open to UK residents only. The winner will be picked by my glamorous assistant Piran. The winner will need to provide me with their name and address which I will pass to the author for the purpose of sending the prize.

Disclaimer: I received a review copy of 'Home for Christmas'.

Make it Monday: Burp Cloths

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000Z

I am very excited about two things. One that Make it Monday is back, and two that I have a new nephew. Unfortuately he is in Cornwall and I am here but I will meet him after Christmas. For now though I am doing my bit from afar, packing up boxes of Piran's old clothes and sending them off, and making a little special present just for him.

So I thought I would share it with you all. It is a great little present for someone with a new baby and very easy to make, so a perfect beginners sewing project. Please note, my sewing is generally a bit wonky, and I am rubbish at sewing round corners, but I think that adds to the homemade appeal (at least that is what I tell myself).

I make these often so I have a template (just made out of paper but card would be better). It was an 8.5inch long by 8inch high rectangle with the two right hand corners rounded off (I used the corner of a side plate to do that).

I am using white flannel for the backing (one of Kate's old crib sheets) and a fat quarter of cotton quilting material for the front. Both fabrics have been washed and dried first. Lay the left hand side against a fold in your fabric, so when you cut it out you will have a piece that is twice the size as the template. I am making two burp cloths (as that is what I get from a fat quarter) so I did this twice on both pieces of material. Cut them out.

Place the front and back together, right sides facing and pin together.

I also use pins to mark my start and finish sewing points. You need to leave a 2 inch minimum gap so that you can turn it right sides out after sewing.

Sew all the way around the edge with a 3/8th inch seam. Remember to leave the gap!

Clip the corners to make it easier to turn them out.

Turn right sides out. Ensure that the corners are turned out fully and then press.

Topstitch a 1/4inch all the way around the edge, making sure that you catch the turned in seams of the gap so that everything is tidy.

All done!

These are so very useful and just a bit nicer than the usual muslin cloths. I made some for Kate and we have used them all the time. An added bonus is that they are small and light so a great present if you need to post a gift to someone.

§§§ §§§ §§§ §§§ §§§ §§§ §§§ §§§ §§§

Make it Monday is back, and just in time for the festive season. I am hoping that I will manage to post on a regular basis about what I have been making, sharing my progress and any tutorials, either my own or from other places on the internet. Please let me know in the comments if you would like to do a guest post.

Creativity

2011-11-06T18:10:00.001Z

There is a part of me that has been sorely neglected over the past few months. Until I was pregnant with Piran I didn't consider myself as a creative person but nesting bought out an urge in me to try sewing some things and to be honest I have never really looked back. It is not just sewing though, I taught myself how to crochet and I am currently working on a cross stitch. I finally have a home that I can decorate and make my own. I love to cook and bake and craft and create.

But babies (and a toddler) are not conducive to spending time doing such things and by the time they are both in bed I am too tired to do anything other than collapse on the sofa, watch something on Sky+ and go to bed by 9pm. This lack of quality me time is frustrating. I am lucky, Kate goes to sleep by 5pm but Piran is up until 7. Once they are in bed we eat and clear up and make the bottles for the next day. If I want to sew I have to use the dining table, which is in the front room (I was turfed out of my sewing room by Kate, apparently she needed a bedroom. Cheek!) To do this I have to get everything out and put everything away when I am finished because small people get up early and grab sharp needles and scissors and everything else I don't want them too.

And then there is Pinterest. Have you discovered this yet? I do love it. You can follow me here. It sparks my creativity and I have cleared out all of my long forgotten bookmarks and pinned them onto boards and now I can sit and look at them whenever I like. But, like most people I am sure I pin and pin and pin and very rarely make anything. All that pinning takes up time you know.

But all of these things are excuses. I do have a bit more energy and I know that if I find the time and make the effort I enjoy making things so much. Especially if they are for special people. So, I have decided to revive Make it Monday (a series of posts that I used to write). I have even made myself a shiny new badge.

I am not going to put pressure on myself to do something every week but I do want to keep a record of what I make, and share how I make it. In the past I wrote a lot of the posts as tutorials but this time I am hoping that I will also make things that I have pinned and then share my efforts with you all, as well as recording how I got on with projects that were inspired by things I saw on Pinterest. I think that doing this will be good for me. I know that there are lots of lovely people in my life who will enjoy the benefits and I will have fun being creative again.

If anyone would like to do a guest post please let me know in the comments below.

Silent Sunday #51

2011-11-06T10:41:00.001Z

Six months

2011-11-04T21:24:00.000Z

Dear Kate,

Today you are six months old. This is all together mind blowing to me. It is a mixture of feeling like you have been around for a long time, but also that surely six months cannot have passed already since that day we bought you home from the hospital all squishy and cute.

You have certainly grown since then that is for sure. Your clothes seem to shrink you grow that fast and I already have piles and piles of little clothes that it is hard to imagine you ever fit into. I love your clothes though, and you have so many pretty things to wear. I think you like them too, as you try and eat anything that I dress you in.

In fact you chew everything you can get your hands on. Clothes, toys, Daddy's trainers (bad plan), your baby gym, cups, tablecloths. You also like to chew people, hands being a favourite, although this week before I realised what you were doing you had grabbed one of my ears and the side of my mouth in your chubby hands and started gumming away at my face. It is a good job that you don't have any teeth yet. You are definitely ready to start eating and this week we started giving you some food and you joined us for your first Sunday dinner. It felt like a really special moment. You are very enthusiastic when it comes to eating so far, I hope it lasts.

The last three months have been a rollercoaster. We took you to Cornwall to have you Christened with your brother and to meet the rest of your family. You did a lot of crying over the two weeks we were there. We were still trying to figure you out and understand what makes you happy. Eventually we realised that you had been trying to tell us that you wanted cold milk not warm milk. That really made a difference and since then things have been quieter. You do not like to be held when you have your milk either. You are an independent little soul who will tell us in no uncertain terms when things are not to your liking. You get very unhappy if you are overtired. You have a very loud scream. You are feisty and beautiful and so alert and interested in everything.

You can: roll over, sit up, smile, laugh. You like: toys that crinkle, chewing things, sleeping on your side, your brother, sitting up, standing up, your new walker, sitting on laps. You don't like: being left alone, doing one thing for more than ten minutes, cuddling, staying up past 5pm, being left awake in your cot, being left on your front for too long. Things that make you smile: Piran, mummy being silly, wiggly fingers. Things that make you laugh: Mummy jumping out from round the corner, me rubbing my face on your tummy, being swung around. You are starting to chat, burble and coo. You make a grunting noise that is horrible, and drives me bonkers. You have a scream this week that could smash glass. You are the only baby I know that can cry and smile at the same time.

You will occasionally cry and cry if I pick you up the wrong way but Piran can grab and pull and push and squeeze and kiss and cuddle you as much as he wants and you never ever complain. If he is in the room your eyes are on him. He loves to hug you and kiss you and show you how to dance. If you are upset he will sing you "Twinkle, twinkle". He calls you Bubby still and I love it. I love to just watch the two of you together. I am sure that you will be loving soon and able to get in his way and run off with his toys but for now all he has is love for you. In a few weeks you will start going to nursery with him too which I think will be lovely for both of you.

This last picture is you today. Life has been hard work for all of us over the past three months and I have not been feeling as happy as I would have liked. I hope that you feel safe and secure and know that you are loved by all of us. I try and take time every day to sit and chat to you and smile and make you laugh. I wish I had more time some days but I am always here if you need me. You have beautiful blue eyes and curly eyelashes and you are simply beautiful. You have taught me a lot about myself, that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever thought possible. That I will do anything for my children no matter how bad I feel.

I love you baby girl. You are gorgeous and have the most perfect smile. I am looking forward to everything in your future, and cannot wait to know what type of little girl you are starting to become.

Love Mum x

A love letter

2011-11-04T08:53:00.000Z

As part of my 'homework' for my PND support group I have to write myself a love letter, seal it up, address it and hand it over. At some point in the future, once the group has finished the same love letter will be stamped and posted back to me.

Photo credit

I have been mulling this over for a couple of days and this is so hard. I keep coming up with things that I could write and then stopping myself in my tracks with my counter argument. I am too inside my own head I guess. I want this to be real, not just a list of platitudes that I somehow think should be included. I am the only person that is going to read this but at the end of the day I want to do it properly. I am going round in circles and driving myself mad.

You are a kind person. But I have unkind thoughts about people all the time.
You make your children laugh. Not enough and I also shout.
You have friends in your life that love you. But that don't have the time to show me that these days.
You are a wonderful wife to a great man. But I snap and bicker and take things out on him.
You should be proud of all that you have achieved in your life. But there is so much to be ashamed of too.

I need to switch off the voice in my head that tells me that I am no good, that I am useless and pathetic and not a nice person. I need to stick her in a box and throw away the key. I am just not sure how to do it right now.

Two and a quarter

2011-11-01T20:47:00.000Z

Dear Piran,

Today I watched you playing with your toys in your room, handing out play food to all of your teddies and I felt full to the brim with love for you. You amaze me and your Dad every single day.

You like singing and dancing. You like it when I sing you songs. Your favourite is Twinkle, twinkle little star and you try and sing along too. If your sister is crying you will sing to her too. Although you get your songs mixed up and sing "Winkle, winkle, to the top of the hill, ALL DAY LONG". It is completely wonderful.

You now know when you are tired and you can ask to go to bed. You don't do it very often though. After months of fitful sleeping and ending up in our bed, where we tried everything to work it out, we have finally managed to keep you in your cot at night for a whole seven days. We switched you into a bed for a while but that didn't work at all so we went back to the cot. I miss you in the morning and cuddling up at night but as we still get up a lot for Kate this is the best thing.

You are an affectionate and cuddly boy with a smile and a hello for everyone. You often ask for cuddles and we are happy to oblige. I ask for a kiss and you say no, but you will always kiss your sister. You love to hug her and talk to her and you always want to know where she is or what she is doing. Soon she will be with you at nursery and Nanny's too, we will see how you feel about that!

Over the last few months I have seen you come out of your shell a bit. Your confidence is growing and you are not as cautious as you once were which is great to see. You talk constantly, always asking questions. The occasional 'Why?' is creeping in but the one you ask over and over and over is "What you doing?" ALL THE TIME. If I don't answer you ask again. If I do answer you ask again. Over the past month your speech has exploded and we can now have conversations with you, and you can tell us what you have done that day or recount memories from another day. It is amazing.

You love to be outside. You love your Nanny and Grandad and Aunty Ali. You have spent quite a lot of time with your Grandma over the past three months which you have really enjoyed. She will do anything you want her to, including staying at the park for hours. You love to walk but do so at a very slow toddler pace. We don't get many opportunities to spend time just the two of us but when we do there is nothing that I love more than wandering along at your pace seeing the world in the way you do.

Thank you for your smiles and laughter. I have been quiet and tired and a little sad recently but you really do make my life a happier place. Some days you can be difficult but it is usually when you are tired or hungry or bored. Most things can be solved with a biscuit. You are very well behaved in public, and people always comment on it. I am happy to take you anywhere.

My love for you grows each day, and I love you...

All Day LONG.

Love Mum x

A month of Sundays - October

2011-10-31T20:21:00.000Z

Silent Sunday #50

2011-10-30T18:55:00.000Z

Good days v bad days

2011-10-25T22:26:00.001+01:00

Last week in Norfolk was wonderful. It was our first ever family holiday that didn't involve other members of our families and was just the four of us spending lots of time together doing things we enjoy. It was so much fun. The cottage that we stayed in was perfect, cosy and had all the nice touches that make you feel at home. There was a delicatessen next door with yummy treats and we ate out most lunchtimes so there was very little cooking involved.

I loved it there in our little bubble. I felt pretty much consistently happy for the whole six days that we were there. I kept trying to explain to Mr C what this funny feeling I had in my stomach was and then suddenly it dawned on me, it was happiness and excitement. How sad that I didn't recognise it in the beginning and how wonderful that it was there.

We walked and talked and played. We ate lovely food and drank endless mugs of tea. We had just the right amount of stuff that we needed and it was easy to keep organised and everything tidy. The four poster bed was comfortable and had bedding on it that made me feel like I was snuggling up in a cloud. We laughed and joked and taught Kate to sit up.

We spent lots of time by the sea and taught I taught Piran how to make a proper sandcastle and how you must tap it three times for luck after turning it over. We took loads of lovely pictures and the sun shone and shone. We had one solitary rain shower the whole week and we were in the car and got to see a rainbow. We were sad to come home but we felt rested and relaxed.

Twenty one hours and 14 minutes after we walked back through our front door I felt terrible. Everyone has the inevitable come down after such a lovely week away but being back in our house where I can see every little thing that I want or need to do makes me so very, very anxious. I cannot breathe because the house is too full of stuff. We have more than we need, and more than we have space for and it makes me feel so on edge. I hadn't realised what a dramatic effect it had on my mood.

I had three very dark days this weekend where the gut wrenching, heart breaking heavy soul feeling ruined everything I did. I felt a little brighter on Sunday afternoon when we went to a birthday party for one of Piran's friends and we were out and having fun and Piran gets so excited over things it is wonderful. But the rest of the weekend was so very hard.

I want this to be over now. I want to be 'better'. I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself. I want to be the fun mum from on holiday, not the shouty, frustrated, upset one that I have become. Every time I feel like I am crawling out of this hole I seem to fall right back in, and then climbing out becomes harder because I am so very very tired all the time. I know that this shall pass but I feel like I have suffered enough now. I wish there was a magic potion but there is not.

But I will continue to try. Small things brighten my life and give me hope. Piran doesn't stop talking and now we are having conversations with him and it is amazing. He loves his sister so much and is always cuddling her. Kate is still unpredictable but every day I read her a little better. She has a killer smile and a wonderful giggle. I have lost 12lbs in 6 weeks and really want to keep going. I fit into a pair of size 14 jeans this week. It might be shallow but it made me smile.

And so onwards I go. Letting myself have bad days, but ensuring that the good days do not go past unnoticed. Trying to fit into my days a little bit of decluttering as well as time to spend doing things I love. I am going to stay positive and moving and hoping that soon those good days will outnumber the bad.

Silent Sunday #49

2011-10-23T19:58:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-20T18:26:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-19T19:18:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-18T18:01:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-17T18:32:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-16T17:40:00.001+01:00

Silent Sunday #48

2011-10-16T17:09:00.001+01:00

Picture postcards from Norfolk

2011-10-15T18:28:00.001+01:00

Checking in, checking out

2011-10-13T22:20:00.000+01:00

At my PND support group each week we 'check in' when we arrive and 'check out' when we leave. Just a few short sentences to say how we are feeling, before and after the group. I am usually surprised by what I say, I guess because you only really think about it when asked.

So, checking in: Tonight I am anxious, as I have been for quite a few days now. I am up and down hour by hour but today has been a good day. Piran and I had a lovely day, including some time with just the two of us.

It has been an odd couple of weeks. Mum was here and Mr C was away. We had a great week where I did lots of lovely things but I felt pretty crappy most of the time. Then she went home and I always feel low after that because oh I miss her so much. Piran keeps asking where 'Ma-Ma' is and that makes it even harder. They had a wonderful time though, the two of them. Grandparents are quite amazing things aren't they? The time and energy that they can give the small people in their life is just wonderful. I am too tired to play, too busy but Grandma will go on a trip to the park that lasts for 3 hours and every one comes home all rosy cheeked and happy.

Anyway. I am trying to stay positive and take note of the things that make me feel good, or that make me laugh. It is a shame when a laugh is a notable event in your day to day life (days should be full of laughter) but at least it makes me sit up and notice and appreciate them. My happiness jar is filling up with memories when I remember (or when nice people on Twitter tell me to do it). But here are some things that never fail to make me smile.

A spontaneous hug from Piran :: The smell of rain on hot pavements :: Piran's dancing :: The silence of a house when all babies are sleeping :: Kate's laugh :: A letter from a friend :: Conkers :: A walk by the sea :: A cup of tea and a chat with a friend :: A phone call from my mum :: Tickling Piran :: Watching Kate and Piran play together :: Cuddling Mr C :: A sleepy Piran :: The smile Kate gives me first thing in the morning :: The crunch of leaves beneath my feet :: Waking up naturally

And so, onwards and upwards. Tomorrow morning marks the start of our very first ever week away on holiday (Cornwall doesn't count) as a family of four. I have hardly packed but I will just throw everything together tomorrow morning. We have all day to head to the North Norfolk coast and I am looking forward to it so much. I can't wait to spend some time with Mr C and just enjoy ourselves. The house sitter will be here watching our Sky plus and we will be away from wifi and all things computery. Well except our phones but whether they work will depend on 3G. I am looking forward to it and nervous about it in equal measures.

Checking out: I am happy that after three nights of trying I have finally found time to write a blog post. I am excited about my holiday. I would love it if you would let me know in the comments what never fails to make you smile.

Review and Competition: Princes Breakfast Box

2011-10-12T21:14:00.000+01:00

The lovely people at Princes recently sent me a Breakfast Box. It included various tinned fruits and cartons of juices as well as some breakfast themed goodies. Princes are hoping to take some of the stress out of breakfast time for busy families and encouraging us to start our days with at least one of our five a day.

We definitely found that there was something for everyone. I love pineapple but if I buy a fresh one it always goes off before I get to carving it up. I love having a tin in the cupboard that I can open whenever I fancy it. It has always been a great fall back pudding for Piran but i enjoyed having something so fresh in the morning. My mum was staying and she tucked into the grapefruit segments which she included with her morning museli. I have tweeted before about her rather odd habit of having orange juice instead of milk on her museli so she happily worked her way through our fruit juice as well.

We still have a few tins to try, I am keen to see what Piran thinks as fruit has always been something we eat as a snack or after dinner. So far all he demands is toast but I am working on him!

Princes have also given me a breakfast box to give away to one lucky reader. They say:

Princesprides itself on offering good value, great quality food that the whole familycan enjoy. From canned fruit for your cereal to pure fruit juices for arefreshing morning drink, pack your cupboards with these trusty Princesproducts and you can whip up a healthy, delicious breakfast in minutes.

Tohelp ease the stress of the morning ritual, the Princes breakfast box includesa set of six bowls and six tumblers, table placemats, an alarm clock, acolouring book to entertain the kids, a relaxing candle for the mums, money-offcoupons and, of course, a range of Princes canned fruit – including grapefruitsegments, peach slices, pear halves, fruit cocktail, pineapple chunks andmandarin segments – and Princes pure juices.

There are two ways to enter this competition:
1. Leave a comment on this post telling me which is your favourite of the Princes tinned fruit products (please ensure that there is a way of contacting you - twitter ID or email address where possible).

2. Tweet: I am entering @Kellyfairy's competition at A place of my own http://bit.ly/6S5eU to win a #princesbrekkie box.

Small print: This competition is open until midnight on Sunday 16th October 2011. It is open to UK residents only. The winner will be picked by my glamorous random number generator. The winner will need to provide me with their name and address which I will pass to the PR company for the purpose of sending the prize.

Disclaimer: I received a Princes Breakfast Box of my own free of charge for review.

Silent Sunday #47

2011-10-09T19:07:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday #46

2011-10-02T14:57:00.001+01:00

A month of Sundays - September

2011-09-30T20:14:00.000+01:00

Solitude and guilt

2011-09-30T14:29:00.001+01:00

I wrote earlier in the week about how I felt I was just going through the motions on Sunday afternoon when I was out for a treat. I talked about it in my PND group on Wednesday and they asked me what things do make me happy.

I preempted what I was about to say with 'It sounds bad but...' then stopped myself. They made me start again and say it....'It sounds bad but the times I am happy at the moment is when I am not with my children'. Oh the guilt of saying or writing that is so intense.

It is not strictly true but the moments that I feel happy and at peace at the moment are those when I am alone. If I could do anything just for me at the moment it would be to spend a whole day alone at home, sewing and listening to the radio.

When I said that statement to Mr C he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because everyone needs a break. When I said it in group they said that it is okay to feel like that. That we all need time to remind ourselves who we were as an adult before the full time responsibility of being a parent began.

I miss silence. I miss being able to get things done. I miss being creative. I have so many ideas but no time to see them through. I miss having time to rearrange my thoughts into words and then blogging about them. These days it's all about me, no comments on life or work or the world in general. And that's okay, but I miss being able to start a discussion, or write a blog post in response to others I have read. I miss the dialogue that creates.

Right now I am sat in Russell Square Gardens in London. It is chaotic and noisy but I am just enjoying the peace that comes with being alone. There is sunshine and a breeze and a fountain and tame squirrels. I am content to sit here and people watch and wonder about who they are and their lives instead of worrying about my own for a while.

At group we were told that when we have a moment to ourselves this week we should do something that makes us happy. This is an exceptional situation, as I am child free for 24 hours so this doesn't count. So at some point when Kate is happy sleeping or playing I will try and do something creative, no matter how small to make me feel like me again.

Today however I am going to check into my hotel, have a sleep and a shower and get ready for the MAD blog awards this evening. I'm so very nervous about the whole thing but I know I have friends there who will be pleased to see me, and others I am excited to meet for the first time. I'll let you know how I get on.

Drowning in emotion

2011-09-27T21:21:00.000+01:00

I read a blog post recently about postnatal depression (sadly I cannot remember where) that was talking about the hardest thing is not feeling anything at all.

It is definitely not like that for me. I am so full of emotion and feeling that it drives me crazy. No day is really the same as the next and it is not unusual for me to feel every single emotion in the space of a day, an even an hour. But then there are whole days where I am swept up feeling one way or another.

There are days like yesterday when I feel so utterly sad that it is a physical weight upon me. My bones are heavy, my soul weighs tons and all I want to do is lie very still under the duvet and just hope that everything goes away. It is a luxury that I do not have though so I get up and move. I am unable to get dressed or feed myself. I will look after the children but there is no fun, no games. I can't smile at them. If they are particularly difficult I may cry. We will not leave the house and the television will be on all day.

There are days like today when I am angry. So fucking furious with myself and my life and everything that goes wrong. Everything Piran says or does winds me up. He picks up on it so he misbehaves more thinking that it's funny. Every whine or cry makes me want to walk out of the door. I am sick of myself, how I look, how I feel. I snap at people, can be a right bitch. I want the whole world to just disappear and leave me the hell alone. Everything annoys me and drives me mad. I want to throw and crash and bash things. I want to scream.

Some days like Saturday are good. I feel energised. I feel positive. I get up and get moving and get out. I get stuff done. My to do list shrinks. I think of fun things to do with Piran. I sing for him. I make him laugh. We play and tickle and I chase him round the house. I spend time on myself and enjoy cooking and feeding my family. I spend ages trying to make Kate smile and laugh. I am organised and on top of things and I feel good. I go to bed with a smile on my face. It feels like life is good.

Some days I am an emotional wreck. The slightest thing makes me cry, good or bad, happy or sad. It is like I am so full of emotion that it will force itself out any way it can. Laughter, tears, rage. I want to write, or tweet or get these things out but it is too much. Too hard. I need an outlet but I just can't get it right. I am full of nervous energy, I cannot sit still but I cannot get anything done either. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I am chaotic and completely useless.

On Sunday I woke up happy. It was such a shock I hardly knew what to do with myself. I had a lie in and a nice morning at home. I then went to a hotel for an hour in the spa (aromatherapy room = delightful) and had a manicure. I had afternoon tea and spent time with a wonderful friend. But somewhere along the way my mood had crashed and I just felt like I was going through the motions. That I just thought that I should be enjoying myself but actually I wasn't feeling much of anything at all. I got home and felt so, so low I was back to being utterly miserable. I didn't want to eat or speak or do anything. I couldn't sleep. Everything felt so much worse than before I was happy because now I knew quite how bad I feel. The high made the low so much worse.

I want to get better but the up and down hurts. The light at the end of the tunnel has burnt me and now I want to shut down. I can understand why people do not want to feel because that is the hard part. I am going to a support group, it is a ten week course and after the first week I felt so drained, utterly emotionally exhausted because for the first time instead of putting how I am feeling in a box and just trying to get through each day I opened it up and let the words out. I admitted to someone else how I felt and found others who feel the same way. There are just three of us in the group and that is good. We are all very different but we all feel the same. It is good to face this head on but it is so very very hard. I need to find the strength if I am going to get through this and come out the other side.

Happy Wedding Anniversary Mr C

2011-09-26T08:00:00.000+01:00

Today is my wedding anniversary. Three years ago Mr C and I stood opposite each other and said our vows. He looked up to the ceiling as he tried to repeat everything correctly and I cried the whole way through mine. Regardless it is one of the happiest memories of my entire life and today I wanted to share the poem that I chose to have read during the service.

Tin Wedding Whistle - Ogden Nash

Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,

Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.

Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;

Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.

Visitors remark my frown
Where you're upstairs and I am down,

Yes, and I'm afraid I pout
When I'm indoors and you are out;

But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.

In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it's with me.

In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.

Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.

When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you're alive,

And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.

Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.

Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.

Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;

Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.

Mr C, I know that we are both tired and stressed and grumpy a lot and right now our life is more challenging than we had ever imagined; but I know that we can do anything just as long as we are together. The family we became on that day three years ago has doubled in size and I try to be grateful for everything we have and how much love we share every day. These have been the best three years of my life, and I just know it can only get better and better.

I love you.

Kelly x

Silent Sunday #45

2011-09-25T19:59:00.001+01:00

A month of Sundays - August

2011-09-24T19:37:00.002+01:00

One small change....

2011-09-22T19:26:00.001+01:00

....one MASSIVE result.

You know when you find the answer to a problem and it is so simple you could kick yourself? That is me this week.

All of Kate's fussing and drama over each and every feed has been solved. All it took was one little brainwave on my part this weekend and it clicked into place. She doesn't like warm milk. She wants room temperature every time.

Such a small simple thing.

The amount of crying she does a day has easily halved, if not more. Now she only cries if she is tired or bored. Or if Piran cuddles her a bit too much.

Suddenly, I feel as if I am beginning to understand this little baby of mine. It feels like a little miracle to me.

100 words for Save the Children

2011-09-19T15:07:00.002+01:00

Within hours of Piran being born a midwife called a pediatrician to come and check him because they were concerned about some green bile he was throwing up. She came and he was whisked into Special Care where he stayed for five days with a team of doctors and nurses looking after him twenty four hours a day.

Both of my children were born in hospital. They have both been fully vaccinated. Health workers have come to our home to support us. We are encouraged to visit our doctor if we have any concerns 'just in case'.

Just in case.

We have all this access to healthcare and healthcare workers and I know we can take it for granted. There are people in this world that don't have any access at all. That just can't be right. There is no 'just in case' for them.

There is so much more to say, but Kate is awake so please take the time to sign the petition. It took me less than 30 seconds. Then go here and read about the 100 word challenge. Find the time to take part. Spread the word.

Please.

Silent Sunday #44

2011-09-18T16:40:00.001+01:00

Absolutely nothing of substance at all (but a nice picture at the end)

2011-09-17T19:43:00.001+01:00

I am in that state of mind where all day every day my brain starts writing blog posts and I mull over them until I fall asleep and then they are gone in the morning. It is frustrating and because then the pattern repeats itself on that day and the next and the next I am feeling completely confused and unable to write anything coherent.

As that paragraph proves.

Anyway, I decided today that it would be a good idea to just write something. To just start putting some words on the page and see where I end up. At least I will feel better for writing something.

I know, I think I will write a list of things that I could (and might) blog about. A good reminder for me and perhaps I will end up with a slightly emptier brain.

- Our holiday in Cornwall
- How it felt to come home, and how I have managed since
- My trip to hospital and how I am feeling about the whole situation
- My Twitter pep squad
- The baby group that I went to that was the wrong one
- The Postnatal Depression support group that I went to which was definitely the right one
- Guilt
- Decisions about returning to work
- How I felt after a child free day on Friday
- The things that have made me happy
- My happiness jar
- My Stickygram magnets
- Going out on Friday night
- Kate's room, the beginning
- Kate's room, progress report
- How I am feeling in general

Anyway, lots of that would be very dull I reckon but there are definitely a couple of posts in there that I will write when I have the time and head space. Tonight I am exhausted and I have Doctor Who and Torchwood to watch so I am going to curl up on the sofa and try to stay awake! I will leave you with a picture of Piran and my mum on the beach in Cornwall, building his very first sandcastle.

Silent Sunday #43

2011-09-11T12:44:00.001+01:00

Little moments

2011-09-09T18:13:00.001+01:00

Wow, children change and grow every day at Piran's age don't they? He amazes me every day, or does things that make me laugh and I want to remember these things so much because I'm scared that when the PND goes away and the dust settles my memories will have faded.

So, here are a few of those moments from the past few weeks.

When we were staying at Mum's he was playing with his cars and Kate was laying in the baby gym. I was out of the room and heard her start crying so came back. Just as I came through the door I heard him say "Oh alright then", and he sat down next to her and started saying "shhh shhh shhh".

I can understand most of what he says to me these days but on the occasions that I tell him I didn't understand he gets a fierce look of concentration on his face and then he tries again.

He picked up the Jellycat Zebra Kate had been playing with and shouted "Horsie". He then proceeded to put it between his legs and cantered off. It is tiny, he looked hilarious.

Yesterday after Paul left him with his Nanny to come and collect me from the hospital he was waiting on the doorstep when I got back. He looked at me and said "Where's the baby?" It took me a while to realise he thought that because I'd been back to the hospital I would be bringing home another new baby!

He just loves to cuddle and kiss Kate and is always asking where 'Bubby' is. I tried to teach him to blow raspberries on her tummy, he thought it was the funniest thing.

Silent Sunday #42

2011-09-04T12:23:00.001+01:00

And then there is me

2011-09-03T12:36:00.001+01:00

And finally, to me.

I am up and I am down. The tablets must be working because I would have lost my shit a long time ago. These past few weeks have been so hard but I have stopped crying all the time and most days are okay. Some days are grey, and some, like today are black. I know that is because I have reached the point where I HAVE to go back home. Real life is calling and there are many things that I need to get done.

I dont want to leave. I am always homesick but this time I look around at this place and I feel so connected and it is so rugged and becautiful and perfectly matches my mood that I just want to stay. I want to make a home here for my family and be able to see my parents and siblings all the time. I want to enjoy the fact I am part of a large family. I want Piran and Kate to grow up seeing their cousins every weekend not twice a year. I want the beach to be part of daily life, not a place to be afraid of when we go. I want to be able to stand and look out so sea and just enjoy the space and freedom I feel.

I think all of these things and then I feel crushing guilt. I have a lovely home and a life in Sussex. I have a job (when I am not on maternity leave). Mr C has a very good job, one that affords us becautiful things and we are so very lucky. He works so hard for us, and I feel terrible that I seem to feel that this is not enough for me.

And then there is the rest of the guilt. That Piran and Kate are such hard work at the moment that I do not enjoy being with them. I do not laugh. I am not fun. I am stressed and tired and short tempered. I feel fat and hot and ugly all the time. I know that my thoughts are irrational but I cannot stop them. I want to do so much but have no energy for any of the things that I know would make me feel better. I have constant guilt that I am relying too much on my inlaws, that they do not get a break.

On Thursday next week I am having a (teenie tiny) lump removed from my neck. Last time this happened (the lump was much bigger that time) it took three operations and all sorts of stress and worry about results and such. In the end it was a benign something or other that I cannot remember because I have had two babies since then but now I have children these worries become so much more. It is hard to stop them. Plus there is the worries about looking after children with stitches in my neck. Hopefully it will all be nothing.

Oh this is just a big pity party and I know I should stop. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful loving husband and two healthy children. I am sure I will feel better when I hit publish and all of this is out of my brain and onto a page. Thank you for listening. I will now try and make the most of the last 24 hours that I am in Cornwall and try not to dwell on the saying goodbye bit.

At the Christening last weekend. Check out Kate and her crazy hair!

My little enigma

2011-09-03T12:17:00.000+01:00

Think that it is best to get this all out while I can.

Where do I start with Kate?

She is beautiful. But she is such hard work. By this point with Piran we were finding our feet and his rhythm and life was settling down. With Kate I really have no idea what she wants and when. I think that I have an idea and she proves me wrong each time. I swear half the time she does not know what she wants herself.

The one thing that is guaranteed is that she wants to go to bed at 5.30 each night. She starts screaming until she is in her cot with her dummy and her muslin to pull and play with. I remember Piran doing the same.

During the day she is rarely content. I can count the number of times she smiles at me a day on one hand. She cries because she wants to be held, she cries because actually she would rather lie on the floor with no one around. She sleeps in her swing one day and screams when you put her in it the next. One day she will be happy and have a great two hour nap, the next she will refuse to sleep all day. One day she wants to be held to have her milk, the next she will only drink it lying on the floor, or in her chair. She wants to be outside and moving about. I know I should use a sling but I just dont seem to be able to get on with any. I shall try again when I get home, I have three to try but I find that I get so hot when I carry her and the antidepressants I am taking are giving me extreme hot flushes as well. I hate being hot.

If you manage to work out when she is really hungry and not having a screaming fit because she is hot / tired / bored / mad at me she will drink 6 or 7 ounces of milk. But it usually takes a number of attempts to get her to drink it, finding the right position, waiting for her to poo, it can take so long. With Piran he was so happy with his milk it never crossed my mind to wean before six months. This time, as she reaches four months old I am thinking that maybe it is worth a try. But I loved doing baby led weaning with Piran and he is such a good eater now that I wanted to do the same with Kate. So I really do not know what to do. Do I try some baby rice and see or do I hold out until six months. Mind you, Piran hardly ate anything until around ten months, just enjoyed the food and still had milk so it could be another six months of trying to get her to have her milk. I think that might do me in.

We have managed the past few weeks because there are so many pairs of hands here, sisters and friends, Grandparents and brothers. Someone to hold, to amuse, to distract. What will I do when there is only me and Piran is demanding so much attention? I am petrified.

She is gorgeous and happy if you catch her in the right mood. Admittedly, it only seems to last on average ten minutes a day but they are a wonderful ten minutes. She adores her brother and her eyes are always on him. I know that this cannot last forever, and I just have to remember that.

My little limpet

2011-09-03T11:48:00.000+01:00

I am at the end of an extended holiday in Cornwall. We had Piran and Kate Christened last week and I have spent a lot of time with family and friends.

I am not doing so well though. It is all so overwhelming that I havent even been able to begin to blog about what has been going on. It still is but I feel like I have to try to get some of it out if only to give myself a little thinking space. I want (and need) to write about me, and Kate but today I will just start with Piran.

Over the past two months my bright, happy, friendly, smiley boy has changed. He has always been cautious in different situations but he just seems to be getting worse and worse. He wants me all the time. No one else will do. If I am unable to cuddle him as soon as he asks he starts to cry and hang off my legs. He is afraid of everyone and everything. If I am holding Kate he tells me to put her down and pick him up instead (I always say no to that). At night he wants to sleep with me. My arm hurt for two days after the Christening from carrying him so much.

All of this makes being at home difficult and being out and about impossible unless I am visiting a friend or going somewhere who can take the baby for me while I deal with Piran. If he is out of the buggy he wants to hold my hand all of the time but I cannot steer the Phil and Teds with one hand so that doesnt work.

I just do not know what to do about this. I hope that this is a phase and any suggestions on how to deal with it would be gratefully receieved. I do not know what started this, although life has changed a lot for him since Kate arrived. Two nights ago was the worst. He was sleeping in my bed and Kate woke for a feed. I needed to go and make her bottle but he would not let me leave, screaming and shouting. In the end the combination of them both crying got my mum out of bed and she waited with him. You would have thought that I was leaving forever. In the three minutes I was gone my mum had to physically restrain him and he was in such a state when I got back it took 20 minutes to calm him down. Mum fed the baby but what will happen when we are home and Mr C goes away on business?

So those are my worries on the Piran front. Kate and I deserve posts of our own (because we are worth it!) He is still my gorgeous boy though.

Silent Sunday #41

2011-08-28T15:25:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday #40

2011-08-21T11:59:00.001+01:00

Postcards from Cornwall

2011-08-19T21:30:00.000+01:00

I am blatantly stealing the idea for this post from Laura at Are we nearly there yet Mummy? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?

Dear Daddy,

We are having a lovely time in Cornwall. Gaga is great fun and she took me to the park to play in the sandpit. Luckily Auntie A came too and noticed the rabbit droppings before I could mistake them for a snack.

This afternoon we went to the woods and saw some ducks and squirrels. I shared my raisins with them and Mummy and Aunty A had a discussion about who would win in a fight. Mummy said her money was on the duck.

We stopped for tea and cake and I tried to eat a piece of flapjack the size of my head. Sorry I didn't want to talk to you on Skype, Gaga has a slide on her front lawn which was more fun.

Wish you were here,

Piran x

Dear Daddy

Woke up, ate, slept, pooped, got dressed, ate, slept, went for a walk, ate, threw up, ate, slept.

Wish you were here,

Kate x

Not here, somewhere else

2011-08-15T19:29:00.000+01:00

Today I am over at Being a Mummy, talking about what being a mum is all about for me right now. I would love it if you could come and let me know your thoughts.

Thank you to the lovely Zooarchaeologist for sharing her blog with me today.

Silent Sunday #39

2011-08-14T14:59:00.002+01:00

Me, now.

2011-08-10T17:20:00.000+01:00

It has been four weeks since I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti depressants for postnatal depression.

A few times since then I have thought about blogging about how I have been feeling, but there were things like birthdays to think about and then write about and I have been trying to focus on good and happy things but at the end of the day, things really aren't good and happy for me right now.

This blog is many things and although it started out as just a place to me be, it has developed into something more. I hope that one day my children will read it and learn about what our lives were like when they were small, how we dealt with growing up ourselves as parental responsibility took over. How I am feeling right now is an important part of that journey and cannot be ignored. I guess I would just hate to think that at some point in the future they might read about it and feel that it is any reflection on them. It is not. I love being a mum, I love my babies. I am just not very good at it all right now.

I am exhausted. I keep thinking to myself that I could handle all of this if .......... (insert reason here). Each week I change that statement. I could handle all of this if Kate would just stop crying so much. I could handle all of this if Kate was in a routine. I could handle all of this if Piran would sleep at night and stay in his own bed. But each time we tackle one of these things and I don't feel better, I don't feel like I am coping, I end up feeling worse.

I was trying to explain it to Mr C last week and it is as if I keep setting myself up for disappointment. If I have a good day I think "yes, things are getting better" and then the following day when I feel terrible again all my hopes and dreams of this getting better disappear and I feel so much worse. It is like my brain just will not accept that this is not something that will go away overnight. I am not going to feel better for a while yet. This will take months not weeks and I should stop searching for that chink of light at the end of the tunnel because it really isn't there yet.

If anything I think it is further away. I feel so very lost. I feel miserable. I feel useless. I am in a horrible viscous circle where I am so tired and need sleep but either my children or insomnia keeps me awake at night. When Piran was small I would sleep anywhere and everywhere and fall into bed and be asleep in seconds. Now I lay for hours in the dark with my stomach in knots trying to get myself to sleep. That just makes it worse of course.

I can feel my life getting smaller and smaller everyday. The best thing for me is to go out and see people, to not stay home but if I am exhausted I don't want to drive with Kate and Piran in the car as I don't feel safe. So I stay home and that makes me feel anxious and worried and so I don't sleep and I am going out less and sleeping less and losing all of my very limited amounts of positive energy. I walk around with my stomach constantly in knots of anxiety.

Last time I was depressed and suffered from anxiety I could hide in my room under the duvet. You can't do that when you have children. You have to keep going for them. I just want to hide from the world.

I hate that I don't recognise myself. I have always been organised, on time. I am forgetting appointments and to send birthday cards and presents. I got the wrong time for our first swimming lesson and ended up sat at the side of the pool in tears. I just couldn't stop crying. I was mortified. I hate that it takes me three days to manage to complete a task as small as a load of washing. I hate that my husband has to work a full day in a stressful job and then come home and make sure that everything at home has been done as well. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I still feel like this even though I have fabulous support from my husband and my inlaws. Why isn't it enough for me?

I am taking the tablets but I don't know if they are working. The doctor just checked I wasn't having any bad side effects and gave me more. I don't know how this is meant to work. I feel lost and abandoned. Do I just take tablets and sit back and wait for things to get better? What if that doesn't happen? How long should it take? Who can help me?

It is not all bad and I have to try and remember that. So I have created a happiness jar and when something funny happens or something good I write it down and pop it in there. I will then have a jar of happiness and wonderful memories for when I feel better.

This is a long and rambling post with very little point other than it does me good every once in a while to open my head and let the thoughts pour out. It gets rid of all the negative ones and leaves room to think and maybe dream a little of what life will be like for us all when I feel better.

Review: Canvas Dezign

2011-08-09T14:28:00.000+01:00

Our house is covered with photographs of Piran, from acrylic pictures of him swimming underwater to professional shots and even a painting my dad did of him as a baby. But as is the way with second babies I have not yet managed to even print one of Kate so when I was contacted by Canvas Dezign asking if I would like to review one of their canvases I jumped at the chance.

I picked the picture above from my Baby's got blue eyes post and sent it off asking for a particular size canvas. They contacted me again to inform me that the picture was better suited to a 18x12 canvas. This is a bespoke size canvas and would have cost £20.30.

A parcel arrived the next day. I was so excited opening it and it turned out that they had made me not one but two versions of my picture! One in the original colours and a second one in black and white but with the eyes left a beautiful blue colour. They are both wonderful and we can't decide which one we prefer. I love the colour version but Mr C prefers the black and white.

I have spent a while looking around the Canvas Dezign website and I am really impressed. There are loads of different options, including texting photos from your phone to create canvases or even just to store them. You can create acrylic prints as well as canvases from old photographs which I think is a fantastic idea. The website is simple and easy to use with really comprehensive help sections. Delivery is £9 which is quite expensive but that is per order not per canvas and it is a next delivery service.

I am very impressed with the canvases we received and I am already planning on trying to get a great photo of Piran and Kate together for the grandparent's Christmas gifts this year.

So, which do you prefer? Do let me know in the comments.

3 months

2011-08-08T22:25:00.000+01:00

Dear Kate,

I started a tradition of writing letters to your brother every three months and I am so happy to be writing this one to you now. It is a little later than I would have liked but the time I set aside was taken up with you not sleeping and then suddenly it is four days later. Time is a very funny thing when you have a newborn in the house.

Your arrival in this world was a wonderful experience for me, and your Daddy and I were just amazed by you immediately. I remember lying in the hospital and looking at you sleeping and thinking that I was the happiest person in the world. I had no idea right then how much you would turn our lives upside down!

You are so beautiful. You have an amazing crazy hairdo and although you have lost hair, you have kept quite a lot and it is a big fluffy mess that tickles my nose when I hold you. I love it. Everyone says that you look like me and I can see certain features that are all too familiar. My top lip and my ears in particular. Sorry about that.

If I was asked to describe the last three months in one word I am afraid that it would be 'noisy'. You have cried a lot since you were born. We are not sure if you had colic or if you are just a sensitive soul but you certainly make a lot of noise. The longest you cried for was 9 hours one Saturday. You still cry a lot. We try everything to make you happy, but some days we just have to let you wail.

You do have a lovely smile when you decide to show it. Your brother used to smile at everyone but you are much more selective. It makes the smiles even more wonderful though. You love to sit on my lap and face me and chat. We say "Hi" to each other and poke out our tongues. You love to be bounced on my knee. You want to sit up and see what is going on all of the time. Your eyes take everything in. You like to sleep in your swing in the daytime. You are always happy if you are moving. You dribble bubbles.

First smile!

You moved into your own room when you turned three months. I miss you but you are much happier and sleep better away from other people. Your brother being in our room was disturbing you and most of the time at the moment you will sleep from 6pm - 7am. You love the bath and it will always stop you crying. You have a strong grip and love to play with a muslin.
Your brother loves you very much and you are fascinated by him. If he is in the room you watch him intently. He tells me to give you milk when you are upset. He comes home and calls your name "BUBBY". You are the first thing he asks for in the morning. Even before his milk. That makes you very special. He gives you hugs and kisses, and likes to pass you toys. I don't know how long it will last but it makes me very happy to see how much you like each other.

I am not finding life as easy as I could. I have been quieter and sadder than usual and I am sorry for that. I try to remember to smile at you as much as I can. I know that you don't know what is going on but I worry that you pick up on when I am sad and I don't like that. Things will get better, I promise.

I do love you though. Your cheeky grin that was a bit like a pirate's with a wink when you were learning. The "hur, hur, hur" sound of your laugh. You have beautiful clothes (loads more than me) and you always look so pretty. You like to chew your sleeves and your hands. The first beautiful smile you give me every morning makes it all worthwhile.

Love Mum x

Silent Sunday #38

2011-08-07T09:33:00.002+01:00

From One to Two

2011-08-03T20:27:00.002+01:00

I did this last year for Piran. I didn't think that I had time or the energy this year but Mr C has been working in the evenings so I have spent more time on the laptop than usual and I managed to put this together. I am glad that I did. I really love it.

Review: Fisher Price Precious Planet™ Blue Sky™ SpaceSaver Swing & Seat

2011-08-02T08:00:00.001+01:00

Initial thoughts: When Kate was just a couple of weeks old it became apparent that she was a baby that liked to cry a lot! The only thing we found that could help soothe her in the afternoons and evenings was constant motion and after a while we were exhausted and so when Fisher Price asked if I would like to review a product for Kate I was practically begging them for some type of swing.

We liked: I like the lovely bright colours and the animal design. It can be used as a swing or clipped to the frame so it is a static chair. There are five speeds, a vibrate setting and music that isn’t too annoying. You seem to like swinging in it and will have at least one nap a day in it so it gets the big thumbs up from me.

We didn’t like: I find the catch to stop the chair a bit fiddly. It also states that the vibrate mode shouldn’t work when the chair is swinging but it seems to. These two things aren’t a problem though. The one thing I would have liked is a way of folding it up a bit so that it can be tucked away in the evening. It is an expensive item with a RRP of £84.99 but it is available at Amazon for £53.58 at the moment.

Overall: This swing didn’t solve all our crying problems but it has definitely had a positive impact on our lives with a newborn and that means I would recommend it to anyone. It is a well-built swing from a trusted brand and we really love it.

Further information: Full details of the Fisher Price Precious Planet™ Blue Sky™ SpaceSaver Swing and Seat can be found on the Fisher Price Website.

Two

2011-08-01T20:38:00.000+01:00

Dear Piran,

Today you are two whole years old. You are no longer a baby, although I still call you my baby. You are a walking, talking, smiling, jumping, laughing, shouting, wriggling, giggling little boy.

The past three months are a little bit of a blur I am afraid, life has been totally chaotic. I am trying to think what is different about you now but it is hard. My brain isn’t very good at the moment it seems.

So let me see. You love toast. You ask for it ten times a day, more than biscuits. Not more than cake though. Since yesterday, when you blew out candles on a cake for the first time, every time you say the word cake you also blow. It is very cute. You feed yourself and eat lots of different foods. You love salmon, fishcakes, fishfingers, carrots, toast, ham, rice pudding and bananas. You will only drink water and milk, you demand ‘MULK’ immediately upon waking and when you finish your cup at bedtime you immediately say “Na-night” and go to bed.

You love water, swimming and the bath. You hate having your nappy changed and getting undressed or dressed. You can scream very loud. If you don’t like something you tell us “Don’t like it”. This can apply to noises, toys, TV programmes and food or drink. You like TV and ask for “Beebies” but you are never that bothered if I say no. You ask me to read you books but you just want to turn the pages, you never listen to the story, unless you are drinking milk.

You moved up to the main nursery today. You have a peg with your picture on it now. I am very proud of you. You will cry and cling on almost every time we leave you there but apparently as soon as the door is closed you are fine. Just giving us a hard time then!

You still nap during the day. At the moment you wake every night at some point and come into our bed. You are just so loud and insistent and your Dad and I are very tired at the moment so it is the easiest thing to do. I don’t like it so much when you are kicking me in the head though. I do like walking up next to you though; sometimes I get a lovely cuddle, just before your cries of “MULK”. You like a lot of cuddles these days and lift your arms and say “cuddle” at the slightest upset. You love your Daddy so much and ask for him twenty times a day when he is at work. You never stop talking unless we go somewhere new or different and you are shy. Then it is blissfully quiet.

You go to nursery a day and a half a week and spend another day and a half with Nanny and Grandad. They take you on buses and trains and to the airport to watch the planes. They take you to the zoo and ride with you on the Thomas Train. Your other Grandparents have all been to stay in the past three months and you loved every moment of it, having people of boss around that will play with you all day is brilliant.

The biggest thing that has happened in the last three months however is the fact that you are now a big brother. Your baby sister Kate (or Bubby as you call her) has come into our lives and changed everything. The good news is that I am no longer massive and can run and chase and lift and cuddle you again. That is brilliant. When the baby came along you were so good. You would tell us to be quiet if she was sleeping. You loved to look into her carry cot and shout “Hello” at her head. You like to help look after her, you tell me when she starts to cry that she needs milk and her bum-bum changing. You bring her dummy and toys. She cries a lot but you don’t let it bother you. You just go on playing with your cars or train while she screams next to you. More recently you have started asking for a cuddle when you see me holding her, perhaps you are a little jealous but we take it in turns and you are fine. She is the first thing you ask for in the morning, like you just want to make sure she is still there.

You love to jump and be silly. You have a great laugh and win millions over with your smile. You have a whiny tone of voice that you use some days that cuts straight through me and drives me completely demented. If you are tired you can kick and hit out. You try to throw big screaming tantrums but if we ignore you completely they are soon over.

If I think about the past three months the word that your Dad and I have used a lot is proud. We are proud of the little boy we have raised so far; you are very well behaved when we are out (much better than at home). You say please and thank you. You have been so good with your sister. I can see that you love her and she watches you so intently. You are kind and gentle. We see you learn and grow every day and it is amazing. You fill our hearts with love and with pride and we are so very lucky to have spent the past two years with you.

Love Mum x

Silent Sunday #37

2011-07-31T18:58:00.003+01:00

A month of Sundays - July

2011-07-31T18:51:00.000+01:00

BIRTHDAY!

2011-07-29T11:53:00.000+01:00

Me: Piran, how old will you be on your birthday?

Piran: BIRTHDAY!

Me: How old?

Piran: TWO! *holds up one finger*

There are a lot of birthdays around these parts at the moment. Today it was my birthday. Tomorrow is Mr C's birthday. Monday it is Piran's.

Sadly, due to some vomiting incidents yesterday we took the decision to cancel our party tomorow. I just couldn't bear it if someone got sick because of us. So instead I think I am going to take Mr C, Piran and Kate on an adventure. Piran seems much better and I have an urge for sea air, and something a little different.

There was one other birthday a week ago that I missed. My blog was 4 whole years old. I'm really gutted I missed it and wish that I had marked it with a giveaway or something but I am rapidly coming up on 600 posts so I will do it then.

For now I am just going to spend all my time and energy on celebrating the BIRTHDAY!(s) of my two favourite boys.

84 days

2011-07-27T11:06:00.000+01:00

Well here we are. Twelve weeks.

There were times that I thought we might never make it to this point with our sanity intact. I can remember talking to Mr C and just saying that if we could make it to twelve weeks we would be fine. Dividing up the time into chunks helped me, we were a quarter of the way, a third, then half. Somewhere along the road I stopped doing that. I was surprised yesterday, thinking about this milestone that it was here already. That is not to say it became easier, although I suppose it has a little, it is more that I never thought this day would come.

We are finding our feet, my little girl and I. She is so very different from Piran, which of course is to be expected. We have fallen into a routine of sorts. The details will most probably bore you but I want to get them down here just to remember them. I don't remember Piran's and it frustrates me.

It varies slightly from day to day, depending on what the night was like, if she naps and what we have been doing so this is the last 24 hours:

6.30 Bottle of milk
7.30 Short nap
9.30 Bottle of milk
12.00 Bottle of milk
1.30 Big sleep until next feed
3.00 Bottle of milk
5.45 Bath (every few nights), get ready for bed.
6.00 Bottle of milk and bed
6.30 Asleep
10.00 Dream feed
4.00 Bottle of milk

Between sleeps and bottles of milk there is still a lot of crying. A lot. Kate wants to sit on my lap all the time. Our attempts with a sling have not been great, although I was hoping she would like it more when she could control her head so I should try again. Piran used to lie on the floor and look at toys and wriggle about for hours. I can get Kate to do it for ten minutes if I am lucky. She might consent to staying in her cot for 20 minutes in the morning watching her mobile if she is feeling generous.

She just likes to be moving. A swing has been a godsend, even though sometimes she hates it occasionally she will fall asleep in it in the afternoon and stay that way for two hours. It is never guaranteed though. She is good if we are out and about as long as the pushchair or car just keeps moving. That is why I think there is so much more crying at home, less movement.

Having two children is tough and the fact of the matter is that the second child is left to cry a lot more than the first ever was. At times it is quicker and easier to deal with Piran's demands before Kate's and that will always result in more tears. That said, she does cry for at least 2 hours every day just because she wants to! Sometimes we have to just put her in her chair and rock her and let her get it out of her system.

She still wants to be fed lying down, the flatter the better. I still have no idea why.

Piran is showing signs of jealousy, where up until now he has been fine. He wants to sleep in our room every night, and always asks for a cuddle the moment I pick Kate up. I feel bad, because I am not coping so well the one thing that people can do to help is look after Piran, plus he goes to nursery and spends regular days with my inlaws so I feel that he is never with me, that I am always trying to get rid of him. I know that he loves to do all these things and that he has fun but I miss him. The answer is quality one on one time at the weekends when Mr C is around so I am working on that.

And so the weeks go past. A few more and we will be off to Cornwall to introduce Kate to my brothers and sisters for the first time, and all of her cousins. I cannot wait, I am so homesick. It will be nice to be home.

For now we have appointments and injections and birthdays and then we start swimming lessons next week. My girl and I are still finding our way, but we will muddle on regardless.

Silent Sunday #36

2011-07-24T14:39:00.000+01:00

Being kind to myself

2011-07-22T08:30:00.001+01:00

When I have a long list of things that I need to or would like to do I get into this state where I cannot do anything. I freeze under the pressure. I tried to tackle this in the past with my "Do ONE thing, properly" mentality and back when I had one baby to look after that worked for me.

But now my list is longer and free time is drastically reduced. So I am slipping back into old patterns. The feeling of constant panic in my stomach, that there are so many things that need to get done and no time to do them and if I don't do them the world will end and I will be a bad mum and a bad wife.....it goes on and on.

Some lovely people have left some very supportive comments over the past week and their words of advice and support here and on Twitter have been a real comfort. One thing people keep saying to me is that I should be kind to myself. So I need to take their advice.

Accept all offers of help.
Don't feel guilty or worry that they may suffer because of it. These people are grown ups and if they offer help that is their decision.
Aim low; getting all three of us up and dressed each day is an achievement in itself.
Spend less time on Twitter and read a book.
Get one night of uninterrupted sleep a week. Mr C can cope with one night.
I have ordered Piran's birthday cake from Waitrose instead of making it myself.
Simple is good for our birthday party. Jugs of Pimms and a few balloons thrown about will be enough.
I am unsubscribing from all the junk emails that litter my inbox.
I am saying no to offers and opportunities unless it is something I cannot bear to miss.
I am trying to eat well. Less junk food for sure but I'm still eating too much toast.
I am being honest about how I feel, and letting myself cry if I need to.
I am not making the bed. No one cares.
I am looking for shortcuts in everything I do.
I am making lots of plans with lots of people because the days that are full and busy are easier than the ones at home.
I am trying to snatch child free moments and I am being selfish. Sewing and reading and blogging.
I have a big list of all the things I need to do. Once it is on the list it is out of my brain.

I think that is it. Any good hints, tips and advice gratefully received.

From the archives: The Return of Dippy Mother

2011-07-21T20:27:00.001+01:00

There are posts in my archives that mean a lot to me that may not have been seen by quite a few of my readers. So, for a short while, during these crazy new baby days when I don't have the time to blog as much as I would need or like I thought that I would share some posts from the past, in a 'From the archives' series. As much for my own enjoyment as well as, I hope, yours.

I love my mum. She's just the right amount of crazy that always makes me laugh and everybody loves her. She has been phoning me every day this week which has been really special, always finding a reason to call. Wednesday's reason was to inform me that I have to listen to The Archers while she is in France and take notes of the salient points so that I can report back on her return. Apparently there is a nail biting storyline about E-Coli and Ice Cream at the moment which she just cannot miss.

Anyway, it reminded me of some of the posts that I used to write on my first blog. I called her Dippy Mother (I am not sure if that would offend her or not. Hmm) and I was Dancinfairy back then. This post was from February 2006. I had started seeing Mr C in January and so he was a new boyfriend back then. How things have changed.

It's been a while since my last Dippy Mother post. So after a particularly funny phone conversation with her this afternoon I have these gems to share.

DM: I watched those Brit Awards last night. Thought I would try and be a bit modern.
Fairy: Oh, right.
DM: I didn't like any of the music.

On the subject of boyfriend:

DM: So tell me about him.
Fairy: What?
DM: How tall is he?
Fairy: About the same height as Brother.
DM: Skinny?
Fairy: About the same build as Brother.
DM: Does he look like him then?
Fairy: Eugh, NO!
DM: Does he wear glasses?
Fairy: Yes.
DM: I knew it!
Fairy: How?
DM: Does he drive a car?
Fairy: Yes
DM: Oh good. I just had a feeling about the glasses.

Later on:

Fairy: So we might come and visit at Easter.
DM: Oh no.
Fairy: Why not?
DM: Well he sounds really nice. You don't want to scare him off. Have you told him about your dysfunctional family?

And finally:

DM: Does he like music?
Fairy: Um..yes?
DM: Good because anyone that goes with you should like music because you do.

I swear it is no wonder I am the way that I am.

Deep breath, one thing at a time.

2011-07-20T22:03:00.001+01:00

***Something weird has happened to this post during publishing and part of it is missing. I think I have fixed it now and it makes a bit more sense! It is still double spacing the paragraphs which brives me bonkers but that will just have to stay that way for now***

I have started this post a few times, once I even bashed out two paragraphs but I keep hitting the delete button.

It is not that I don't know what I want to say, it is just that I don't know where to start, or how to say it.

So I have 14 minutes until I need to make Kate's feed and I am just going to write. To try and get everything out of my brain and onto the page in the hope that it will empty the whirlwind that is my brain at the moment and give me a chance to get some rest. If the children let me that is.

Things are hard. My suspicions were correct and the doctor agrees that I have Postnatal Depression. Tablets have been prescribed and I am now just trying to come to terms with what this means and how I feel. How to tell people. I don't want to hide it from people but it is hard to admit. My mum, bless her wonderful soul, has been fabulous. I wish she was here to hold my hand through this but I will see her in a few weeks so I can look forward to that. She worries I know, and part of me wants to keep her from it as I know how frustrating it is when you live somewhere else and cannot help. She cheers me up instead with long rambling telephone calls in the middle of the day where we talk about everything and nothing.

My husband is an amazing man. He is here and helping and just getting me through each day. I love him for that. He works hard and still does his share when he gets home. I know how lucky I am.

The hardest thing by far this week is a sudden reluctance on Kate's part to be held when she feeds. She no longer wants to be cuddled up next to me to have her bottle. She will scream and scream and struggle instead. It is so horrible and frustrating and heartbreaking. She will drink lying in her chair, in the car seat, and lying flat on her back in the cot. I'm actually devastated about it. Why does she not want to be held? The only thing that has stopped this from tipping me over the edge is that she is the same with Mr C as well.

She is calming down otherwise though and if you take feeding out of the equation things are getting much easier. She loves to sit up on my lap, looking at me and having a conversation. She makes a 'huh' noise over and over which is her little laugh and smiles away.

I know it is a cliche but you really do forget what having a small baby is like. At least I know I have. I keep saying that Kate cries so much more than Piran ever did, and that I am finding it so much harder this time, then I went back and read the post I wrote to Piran when he turned three months old. This paragraph struck a chord.

People say you have a cute face. I agree, although I am biased. You have a cheeky grin that melts my heart and when you cling on to my hand as I feed you my heart overflows with love for you. You frustrate me too, when you will not nap during the day and you get upset and cry and cry and will not let me soothe you. Whatever we do you cry for most of the last hour before bed, but occasionally we can get a smile.

I know that we will look back with nothing but love and fondness for the small girl who has turned our world upside down. For now I just need to take a deep breath and tackle one thing at a time.

Silent Sunday #35

2011-07-17T10:22:00.002+01:00

Snapshots

2011-07-16T08:32:00.000+01:00

I am driving and both of the children are asleep. I am thinking of my doctor's appointment in a couple days time and trying to work out what I am going to say. I wonder if I am being silly, if these feelings are just normal and wonder why I suddenly feel that I am not coping. I wonder if I am making it all up.

Wednesday is a good day. We go shopping and bake cakes. I try to relax and embrace the mess. I play bat and ball with Piran in the garden. He is so cute and so funny and he makes me laugh so much. But the sound is odd to me, and I feel like there is a huge whole in my middle. I reassure myself with the fact that he doesn't know that; he is just having fun.

I rehearse over and over what I am going to say to the doctor. I dread her asking what I want, what I need as I don't know. Again and again I wonder if I am just making this up, if it is all just for attention. But then I realise that I cry when I am alone, and that doesn't get me any attention at all. Perhaps this is real.

I cry during my doctors appointment. I list all the things that I am worried about. That by 6 weeks after Pirab was born I felt in control, that this hasn't happened this time and that makes me worried. That I cry a lot. That I cannot sleep even when I am only getting a couple hours a night. That I am having anxiety attacks over the smallest things. That I get upset over the smallest things. That I am constantly worried. The doctor gives me a questionnaire and it is as if I wrote it myself. All of this things are there.

I drive home from the doctors. It seems that the floodgates have opened and now I have admitted something is wrong all of the emotions are free. Tears fill my eyes, making it seem like the car is full of water and the waves are lapping at my face. I blink to clear my eyes and tears run down my face. I hate crying in the car. I am grateful I am wearing sunglasses.

I have a good afternoon where I get a lot done. I feel fantastic and wonder if this whole things was an over reaction. Logically however I unerstand that this is the roller coaster that I am on at the moment. Highs and lows, good times and bad times. Just because I feel great now, doesn't mean that I will feel that way all the time.

I lie in the dark. I should be sleeping but I am thinking and worrying as usual. My mind skips from subject to subject. I fidget in my bed. I listen to Kate sleep. I worry if Piran should move to a bed. I am so afraid that I am not giving him the time and attention he needs. There are things I should teach him, but where do I find the time.

I go to see a good friend and she is so wonderful. She tells me that I am not alone, that she has been there and that she has come through the other side. I offload my worries about how we manage difficult behaviour from Piran and she gives me some great ideas. It helps me feel in control. I am so lucky to have friends like this.

I watch Piran playing with a Buzz Lightyear and a Woody toy that he has never seen before. He is enamoured with it and it makes me feel happy. I am trying to capture these moments, to try not to get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I miss these wonderful moments. He laughs when Woody talks to him. I laugh too.

Kate is very smiley. I sit her up on my lap and she does this thing where she gives a big sigh and makes a noise at the same time. It is almost like a laugh, and also sounds like ahe is saying "Hi". I copy her and she replies. We have our first conversation.

I am alone on Friday night with just Kate asleep in the house. I get my sewing machine out for the first time since she was born and finish a project that I really wanted to do. It is fun and soothing. It takes just the right amount of concentration that I don't have to think about how I feel, what I am going to do. I listen to interesting Radio 4 programmes and drink wine. For a moment I just feel like me.

I think I know the answer

2011-07-14T12:06:00.001+01:00

I'm sat reading the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale questionnaire that I have been given by the doctor this morning.

My phone buzzes and it is Mr C telling me that he forgot to take his lunch to work this morning.

My heart sinks and I immediately feel guilty. He looked after the children for an hour and a half this morning so I could get some sleep as I'd only managed two hours overnight. He had too much to do. It's my fault he forgot his lunch.

My eyes return to the page and I read the next question

'I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong:
Yes, most of the time
Yes, some of the time
Not very often
No, never'

Ah.

70 days

2011-07-13T21:41:00.001+01:00

My baby girl is ten weeks old today.

I know it's a cliché but it's all going so fast.

Mind you it doesn't feel like that when she screams so hard she turns beetroot red.

I'm meant to be asleep but I wanted to acknowledge this milestone. I like to take a picture of her every Wednesday, to record the weeks passing by as I used to record my bump growing each week. I nearly missed it today and I have just snuck into our room and taken this.

Like her brother her skin is so pale when she sleeps. She is a defiant and sensitive soul and keeps me on my toes. The way I feel about her is complicated, utter devotion mixed into utter despair at times. But her smile pours liquid joy into my heart and I heard her voice for the first time today.

It was beautiful.

Baby's got blue eyes

2011-07-11T17:34:00.001+01:00

(and the most beautiful eyelashes)

I am still feeling fragile today so I have spent the day concentrating on Kate and getting her back into her routine. She is so much more alert these days and if she is awake she wants to be sat up and looking around. She has the most startling blue eyes. I know babies start out with eyes this colour but by now Piran's were a muddy blue, and hers are just gorgeous. I hope she keeps them, they suit her. I tried to capture them for prosperity today in case they change in the next few weeks.