I want to mark the end of this year somehow but whenever I have thought of writing a retrospective post, or something along those lines, I come up short.
This year was by far the hardest year of my life. It was filled with wonderful things, and our family grew, but we have not had the energy to enjoy it much. So much has happened that has been completely forgotten. Lack of sleep, pregnancy amnesia, the fact I have to think of four people all the time instead of just me all conspire against my memory.
Somewhere along the road though I realised that I was not paying enough attention to the little things. I was so wrapped up in looking after a family and myself and finding a way to deal with my PND that all the good things were slipping past unnoticed.
So I started my happiness jar at some point round the end of the summer. When I had the time and inclination I wrote on a slip of paper and dropped it in the jar.
Tonight, over a supper of tapas, and a 10 year old bottle of wine we were given as a wedding present over three years ago, we are going to open the jar.
I'm really rather excited.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
In crisis
Tis the season to have jolly highs and crashing lows. Winter, the stress if Christmas and visitors, two young over excited children, parenting with an audience, no sleep, critical mothers and comments from others. All this has added up to a couple of meltdowns on my part.
People are treating me like normal which is nice but to be honest I am not back to normal, I still have PND and the truth of the matter is that I am hyper sensitive to any sort of criticism at the moment. I sure as hell can't take a joke. I am delicate and easily wounded. I am angry and moody and depressed and scratchy.
Why does family bring out the worst in you? Isn't that sad? Usually I only have to be around my parents for a few short hours before I'm reverting to stroppy teenager mode. But I'm an adult and a mother.
I can't take my anger out on those people that cause it, as they are guests in our house so I end up being annoyed at Mr C (who does go along with a lot just to be polite but I tar with the same brush as the others usually unfairly). I also have less patience with Piran which is not fair.
I've ended up making decisions and second guessing myself on how to handle situations and then I get so annoyed at myself because it all goes wrong and I should've known better. Trust myself, trust my instincts.
Unfortunately a stomach virus took my parents out of action by 11pm Christmas Eve so all our plans were cancelled and people stayed away for fear of getting sick and so it was a bit of an odd day. We did eventually have Christmas dinner at 6pm in the evening with just us and the children were happy with their presents but it just felt frustrating for me. All the worrying and organising and thinking I did was pointless. We have a lot of turkey to eat. I over ordered the veg too and then only had half the number if guests so there is a lot of soup in our future.
I felt dreadful last night, there were tears and frustration and good friends who were there to listen to me offload. This morning I was still in a crappy mood but a day spent with just Mr C and our gorgeous amazing children has centred me and made me feel more like myself.
There is a lot of uncertainly in our future at the moment, my impeding return to work comes closer and closer. All of this weighs on my mind and makes me feel under pressure. I need to shut it from my mind and just concentrate on now. The next few hours, the next few days. Enjoy the end of 2011 before worrying about 2012.
People are treating me like normal which is nice but to be honest I am not back to normal, I still have PND and the truth of the matter is that I am hyper sensitive to any sort of criticism at the moment. I sure as hell can't take a joke. I am delicate and easily wounded. I am angry and moody and depressed and scratchy.
Why does family bring out the worst in you? Isn't that sad? Usually I only have to be around my parents for a few short hours before I'm reverting to stroppy teenager mode. But I'm an adult and a mother.
I can't take my anger out on those people that cause it, as they are guests in our house so I end up being annoyed at Mr C (who does go along with a lot just to be polite but I tar with the same brush as the others usually unfairly). I also have less patience with Piran which is not fair.
I've ended up making decisions and second guessing myself on how to handle situations and then I get so annoyed at myself because it all goes wrong and I should've known better. Trust myself, trust my instincts.
Unfortunately a stomach virus took my parents out of action by 11pm Christmas Eve so all our plans were cancelled and people stayed away for fear of getting sick and so it was a bit of an odd day. We did eventually have Christmas dinner at 6pm in the evening with just us and the children were happy with their presents but it just felt frustrating for me. All the worrying and organising and thinking I did was pointless. We have a lot of turkey to eat. I over ordered the veg too and then only had half the number if guests so there is a lot of soup in our future.
I felt dreadful last night, there were tears and frustration and good friends who were there to listen to me offload. This morning I was still in a crappy mood but a day spent with just Mr C and our gorgeous amazing children has centred me and made me feel more like myself.
There is a lot of uncertainly in our future at the moment, my impeding return to work comes closer and closer. All of this weighs on my mind and makes me feel under pressure. I need to shut it from my mind and just concentrate on now. The next few hours, the next few days. Enjoy the end of 2011 before worrying about 2012.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas
The parents are here, Mr C is off work and it's time to enjoy the festive season.
Seasons greetings to you all x
(My blog is all a bit wonky at the moment, and Blogger is not playing ball. I hope it will all get fixed soon.)
Seasons greetings to you all x
(My blog is all a bit wonky at the moment, and Blogger is not playing ball. I hope it will all get fixed soon.)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Review: Fairy Princess Tent
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| Castle in Piran's bedroom! |
We liked: The tent is a hexagonal shape and a good size. Piran is able to stand up inside and it can take him going in and out and in and out! It is a wooden frame with a fabric cover which will be great for creating shade in the garden in the summer. It has three windows and a door with a fabric door and curtains that can be rolled up or left down. It was big enough for Piran and I and a large number of stuffed animals and books and cushions to hang out in. It is definitely bigger than it looked on the website.
We didn't like: One plastic connector was missing from the box when I first tried to put it together. I contacted the company and this was sent out to us immediately. The instructions say that it should take one adult around 15 minutes to put together and all you need is a phillips screwdriver. Well I can put it together in that time but you are meant to add a screw every time you put a wooden pole in a plastic connector. I only did one and stopped. It was hard to screw in and doing them all would have taken ages and I realised that once I did that I would have a large wooden frame that I would have to store. In the end I put it together without the screws and it was my opinion that once the cover was on that was sufficent for indoor use. I would suggest you make up your own mind on that though.
Overall: This will be great fun for Kate and Piran to play with in the summer in the garden. It can be left outside as it is waterproof although they do not suggest you do so for long periods of time. It has a fantastic flag on the top and seems to me to be an item that will last for many years. We had it up in Piran's room and I would put it up inside again on a rainy day to keep him amused.
Further information: The Fairy Princess Tent from Garden Games costs £79.99, please see their website for further details.
Disclosure: We were sent the Fairy Princess Tent free of charge for the purpose of this review.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Review: Peekaboo Barn iPad App
Whether I like it or not Piran is a huge fan of my iPad and has quickly mastered how to use it. I limit the use of it but have to admit it is great if I need a few minutes peace and quiet. So when we were offered an iPad app to review I quickly said yes.
The first was Peekaboo Barn. There is a picture of a barn and then you hear an animal noise. Have a guess which animal it is and then touch the barn and the door opens to reveal the animal. The animal's name appears and a child's voice lets you know what it is. The graphics are fun and bright and there are a range of animals. Some of the names are Americanised (like Rooster) but I don't think that is a problem. Piran really loves this app and I do too. My favourite part is the fact that you can record your voice reading the names of the animals and have that instead. Or at least it was until we used the app today and the barn was covered in snow and decorated for Christmas with the animals all dressed up. Brilliant. Peekaboo Barn is available in the App Store for £1.49.
We were also sent Counting with the Hungry Caterpillar (£1.99) and Go Away, Big Green Monster (£1.99). Both based on classic children's books. Piran loves the Hungry Caterpillar app, even though he can only manage the first stage (there are five) and I think that this will last him a long time. I think it will help with learning counting but would be best used with me there so that I can help and guide his learning. I love the Big Green Monster, especially in the song mode but you can read it yourself or have it read to you. Each part of the monster's face is interactive and the whole app is just great fun.
Disclosure: We were sent the codes to redeem these three iPad apps free of charge for the purpose of this review.
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| Santa having a quiet five minutes |
We were also sent Counting with the Hungry Caterpillar (£1.99) and Go Away, Big Green Monster (£1.99). Both based on classic children's books. Piran loves the Hungry Caterpillar app, even though he can only manage the first stage (there are five) and I think that this will last him a long time. I think it will help with learning counting but would be best used with me there so that I can help and guide his learning. I love the Big Green Monster, especially in the song mode but you can read it yourself or have it read to you. Each part of the monster's face is interactive and the whole app is just great fun.
Disclosure: We were sent the codes to redeem these three iPad apps free of charge for the purpose of this review.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Make it Monday: Advent Calendar Part 2 (and other Christmas crafty bits)
So when we left the thrilling tale of my homemade advent calendar *ahem* I needed to embroider on the numbers.
I fell ill and so this was quite easily completed as I
After a lot of pinning and measuring and moving I finally got all of the pockets spaced evenly out the way I wanted them. The next step was to sew each on in place around three sides. Once this was done I cut a piece of calico the same size and after placing the two pieces of material right sides together and adding in three ribbon loops at the top I sewed all round the edge, making sure that I left a gap at the bottom for turning.
I trimmed the seams and clipped the corners and then turned it right sides out. A quick press with the iron and then I topstitched all around the edge, which closed up the hole at the bottom.
I am really happy with the way that it turned out and that I managed to finish it before the start of December. Piran loves going to see what is in it each morning. I want to make a patch to sew on the back with my name and the date but I will just do that before it gets put away this year.
§ § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § §
I have been making some other decorations too. I just love these 3D snowflakes that I discovered on M is for Make. I made five and hung them using invisible thread from my bedroom ceiling. I love just lying in bed and watching them move gently. So calming.
I made a wreath for the front door with ivy, dried orange slices and cinnamon sticks. Sadly last night it was blown off the front door and into the garden and the rain rehydrated the orange slices. They took me ages to do, so annoying! It is holding on in there but it looks a bit sorry for itself.
I am also a little obsessed with making paper snowflakes. I have found some great posts via Pinterest that show you how to make certain patterns. You can see those and more on my Festive board. Now I know how to fold the paper mine are turning out great.
I am not making too many presents this year but I was brave and used this tutorial to make a couple of skirts for my two nieces. They aren't perfect and I don't know if they will like them but I am proud of myself for trying something new. Excuse the bad photos, I have put my camera somewhere safe so everything is on my phone. I was also in a rush to get these wrapped and posted.
December
Well that last post was quite intense and miserable and then I disappeared for ages!
We have just had three weeks of illness and it is taking all our energy to get through each day making sure everyone is fed, watered and getting as much sleep as they can (sadly, not a lot).
There was a stomach bug, followed by a round of colds and both Piran and Kate have chest infections. I am ill too but it kind of fades into the background until I have a quiet five minutes, when it all hits me. I am dealing with a frustrated toddler who has not been out much and feels bad so acts up and it can be such hard work. Kate cries and stresses and is so unhappy but still will not let me cuddle her to make her better. Just once I held on long enough that her crying and head butting my shoulder stopped and she fell asleep. Can you believe that the last time I remember her falling asleep on anyone was when she was about four months old. She is so feisty and independent.
I wish that I was feeling happy and festive. Sadly I am not. I love Christmas and not only is this our first Christmas as a family of four it is our first at home since we had children and
I feel that this year will be the year that decides our traditions and routines and the rhythm of Christmas for us. My two sets of parents did things quite differently so I am keen to do things my way. Mind you at this rate it'll be cook, eat, collapse. I have finished almost all the presents and I've written all my cards (just need to do the ones that I had inevitably forgotten).
One minute December was here and now we are half way to Christmas. I have managed to do a bit of Christmas crafting which cheers me up. I've been making 3D snowflakes and normal flat ones for the windows too. Piran and I made paper chains which was nice. I missed the Tots 100 Christmas party this weekend which was upsetting as we had booked the whole weekend away as a family.
All the energy I have had I've been trying to do nice things with Piran and Kate. Piran loves cooking at the moment which has happily coincided with Kate's weaning so we have been baking and cooking and making treats for her. Kate is desperately trying to crawl, she gets forward but her legs get trapped under her and more often than not she ends up head butting the floor. She can definitely get around the room one way or another though, I dozed off on the sofa watching tv with Piran for five minutes last week and when I woke she had got right across the room and was licking the crumbs off my toast plate. She is definitely determined!
I want to get back to this blog, find some time for me and the things that I want to do. I have reviews I need to write which always bothers me if I feel they are overdue. I will find time, we have medicine and things are getting better. A decent nights sleep wouldn't hurt. Maybe I'll ask Santa for Christmas.
A post doesn't feel complete to me without a picture so I'll add these two. My babies are hard work when they are ill but luckily they look so beautiful when they are asleep that I forgive them anything.
We have just had three weeks of illness and it is taking all our energy to get through each day making sure everyone is fed, watered and getting as much sleep as they can (sadly, not a lot).
There was a stomach bug, followed by a round of colds and both Piran and Kate have chest infections. I am ill too but it kind of fades into the background until I have a quiet five minutes, when it all hits me. I am dealing with a frustrated toddler who has not been out much and feels bad so acts up and it can be such hard work. Kate cries and stresses and is so unhappy but still will not let me cuddle her to make her better. Just once I held on long enough that her crying and head butting my shoulder stopped and she fell asleep. Can you believe that the last time I remember her falling asleep on anyone was when she was about four months old. She is so feisty and independent.
I wish that I was feeling happy and festive. Sadly I am not. I love Christmas and not only is this our first Christmas as a family of four it is our first at home since we had children and
I feel that this year will be the year that decides our traditions and routines and the rhythm of Christmas for us. My two sets of parents did things quite differently so I am keen to do things my way. Mind you at this rate it'll be cook, eat, collapse. I have finished almost all the presents and I've written all my cards (just need to do the ones that I had inevitably forgotten).
One minute December was here and now we are half way to Christmas. I have managed to do a bit of Christmas crafting which cheers me up. I've been making 3D snowflakes and normal flat ones for the windows too. Piran and I made paper chains which was nice. I missed the Tots 100 Christmas party this weekend which was upsetting as we had booked the whole weekend away as a family.
All the energy I have had I've been trying to do nice things with Piran and Kate. Piran loves cooking at the moment which has happily coincided with Kate's weaning so we have been baking and cooking and making treats for her. Kate is desperately trying to crawl, she gets forward but her legs get trapped under her and more often than not she ends up head butting the floor. She can definitely get around the room one way or another though, I dozed off on the sofa watching tv with Piran for five minutes last week and when I woke she had got right across the room and was licking the crumbs off my toast plate. She is definitely determined!
I want to get back to this blog, find some time for me and the things that I want to do. I have reviews I need to write which always bothers me if I feel they are overdue. I will find time, we have medicine and things are getting better. A decent nights sleep wouldn't hurt. Maybe I'll ask Santa for Christmas.
A post doesn't feel complete to me without a picture so I'll add these two. My babies are hard work when they are ill but luckily they look so beautiful when they are asleep that I forgive them anything.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Today...
Today the noise has been incessant, with one or both children whining of crying at all times.
Today has been disagreement after disagreement.
Today has been constantly telling Piran not to do this, or not to do that.
Today my parenting style was mostly hypocritical.
Today was a day of bribery and the currency has been biscuits.
Today has been back to back episodes of TV shows just for a five minute break.
Today was a hamster wheel day of meals that were not eaten and food picked off the floor.
Today was empty and lonely even though I spent it with friends.
Today has been feeling every last minute of the seven months of sleep deprivation.
Today my voice has been sterner and louder than it should have been.
Today was filled with irrational thoughts and overreactions.
Today I felt like the whole world was against me.
Today I moved constantly and still got nothing done.
Today my body hurts and my brain refuses to work.
Today a stained sink seemed to represent everything that felt wrong with my life.
Today was far too introspective which is never good.
Today there have been very few smiles, and far too many tears.
Today there was a synchronised poo moment that made me wonder what I had done to deserve this.
Today was a battle of wills where every victory just wore me down further.
Today has been feeling a failure at everything that I do.
Today has been chaos.
Today cannot end soon enough.
Today has been disagreement after disagreement.
Today has been constantly telling Piran not to do this, or not to do that.
Today my parenting style was mostly hypocritical.
Today was a day of bribery and the currency has been biscuits.
Today has been back to back episodes of TV shows just for a five minute break.
Today was a hamster wheel day of meals that were not eaten and food picked off the floor.
Today was empty and lonely even though I spent it with friends.
Today has been feeling every last minute of the seven months of sleep deprivation.
Today my voice has been sterner and louder than it should have been.
Today was filled with irrational thoughts and overreactions.
Today I felt like the whole world was against me.
Today I moved constantly and still got nothing done.
Today my body hurts and my brain refuses to work.
Today a stained sink seemed to represent everything that felt wrong with my life.
Today was far too introspective which is never good.
Today there have been very few smiles, and far too many tears.
Today there was a synchronised poo moment that made me wonder what I had done to deserve this.
Today was a battle of wills where every victory just wore me down further.
Today has been feeling a failure at everything that I do.
Today has been chaos.
Today cannot end soon enough.
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