Friday, September 30, 2011
Solitude and guilt
I wrote earlier in the week about how I felt I was just going through the motions on Sunday afternoon when I was out for a treat. I talked about it in my PND group on Wednesday and they asked me what things do make me happy.
I preempted what I was about to say with 'It sounds bad but...' then stopped myself. They made me start again and say it....'It sounds bad but the times I am happy at the moment is when I am not with my children'. Oh the guilt of saying or writing that is so intense.
It is not strictly true but the moments that I feel happy and at peace at the moment are those when I am alone. If I could do anything just for me at the moment it would be to spend a whole day alone at home, sewing and listening to the radio.
When I said that statement to Mr C he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because everyone needs a break. When I said it in group they said that it is okay to feel like that. That we all need time to remind ourselves who we were as an adult before the full time responsibility of being a parent began.
I miss silence. I miss being able to get things done. I miss being creative. I have so many ideas but no time to see them through. I miss having time to rearrange my thoughts into words and then blogging about them. These days it's all about me, no comments on life or work or the world in general. And that's okay, but I miss being able to start a discussion, or write a blog post in response to others I have read. I miss the dialogue that creates.
Right now I am sat in Russell Square Gardens in London. It is chaotic and noisy but I am just enjoying the peace that comes with being alone. There is sunshine and a breeze and a fountain and tame squirrels. I am content to sit here and people watch and wonder about who they are and their lives instead of worrying about my own for a while.
At group we were told that when we have a moment to ourselves this week we should do something that makes us happy. This is an exceptional situation, as I am child free for 24 hours so this doesn't count. So at some point when Kate is happy sleeping or playing I will try and do something creative, no matter how small to make me feel like me again.
Today however I am going to check into my hotel, have a sleep and a shower and get ready for the MAD blog awards this evening. I'm so very nervous about the whole thing but I know I have friends there who will be pleased to see me, and others I am excited to meet for the first time. I'll let you know how I get on.
I preempted what I was about to say with 'It sounds bad but...' then stopped myself. They made me start again and say it....'It sounds bad but the times I am happy at the moment is when I am not with my children'. Oh the guilt of saying or writing that is so intense.
It is not strictly true but the moments that I feel happy and at peace at the moment are those when I am alone. If I could do anything just for me at the moment it would be to spend a whole day alone at home, sewing and listening to the radio.
When I said that statement to Mr C he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because everyone needs a break. When I said it in group they said that it is okay to feel like that. That we all need time to remind ourselves who we were as an adult before the full time responsibility of being a parent began.
I miss silence. I miss being able to get things done. I miss being creative. I have so many ideas but no time to see them through. I miss having time to rearrange my thoughts into words and then blogging about them. These days it's all about me, no comments on life or work or the world in general. And that's okay, but I miss being able to start a discussion, or write a blog post in response to others I have read. I miss the dialogue that creates.
Right now I am sat in Russell Square Gardens in London. It is chaotic and noisy but I am just enjoying the peace that comes with being alone. There is sunshine and a breeze and a fountain and tame squirrels. I am content to sit here and people watch and wonder about who they are and their lives instead of worrying about my own for a while.
At group we were told that when we have a moment to ourselves this week we should do something that makes us happy. This is an exceptional situation, as I am child free for 24 hours so this doesn't count. So at some point when Kate is happy sleeping or playing I will try and do something creative, no matter how small to make me feel like me again.
Today however I am going to check into my hotel, have a sleep and a shower and get ready for the MAD blog awards this evening. I'm so very nervous about the whole thing but I know I have friends there who will be pleased to see me, and others I am excited to meet for the first time. I'll let you know how I get on.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Drowning in emotion
I read a blog post recently about postnatal depression (sadly I cannot remember where) that was talking about the hardest thing is not feeling anything at all.
It is definitely not like that for me. I am so full of emotion and feeling that it drives me crazy. No day is really the same as the next and it is not unusual for me to feel every single emotion in the space of a day, an even an hour. But then there are whole days where I am swept up feeling one way or another.
There are days like yesterday when I feel so utterly sad that it is a physical weight upon me. My bones are heavy, my soul weighs tons and all I want to do is lie very still under the duvet and just hope that everything goes away. It is a luxury that I do not have though so I get up and move. I am unable to get dressed or feed myself. I will look after the children but there is no fun, no games. I can't smile at them. If they are particularly difficult I may cry. We will not leave the house and the television will be on all day.
There are days like today when I am angry. So fucking furious with myself and my life and everything that goes wrong. Everything Piran says or does winds me up. He picks up on it so he misbehaves more thinking that it's funny. Every whine or cry makes me want to walk out of the door. I am sick of myself, how I look, how I feel. I snap at people, can be a right bitch. I want the whole world to just disappear and leave me the hell alone. Everything annoys me and drives me mad. I want to throw and crash and bash things. I want to scream.
Some days like Saturday are good. I feel energised. I feel positive. I get up and get moving and get out. I get stuff done. My to do list shrinks. I think of fun things to do with Piran. I sing for him. I make him laugh. We play and tickle and I chase him round the house. I spend time on myself and enjoy cooking and feeding my family. I spend ages trying to make Kate smile and laugh. I am organised and on top of things and I feel good. I go to bed with a smile on my face. It feels like life is good.
Some days I am an emotional wreck. The slightest thing makes me cry, good or bad, happy or sad. It is like I am so full of emotion that it will force itself out any way it can. Laughter, tears, rage. I want to write, or tweet or get these things out but it is too much. Too hard. I need an outlet but I just can't get it right. I am full of nervous energy, I cannot sit still but I cannot get anything done either. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I am chaotic and completely useless.
On Sunday I woke up happy. It was such a shock I hardly knew what to do with myself. I had a lie in and a nice morning at home. I then went to a hotel for an hour in the spa (aromatherapy room = delightful) and had a manicure. I had afternoon tea and spent time with a wonderful friend. But somewhere along the way my mood had crashed and I just felt like I was going through the motions. That I just thought that I should be enjoying myself but actually I wasn't feeling much of anything at all. I got home and felt so, so low I was back to being utterly miserable. I didn't want to eat or speak or do anything. I couldn't sleep. Everything felt so much worse than before I was happy because now I knew quite how bad I feel. The high made the low so much worse.
I want to get better but the up and down hurts. The light at the end of the tunnel has burnt me and now I want to shut down. I can understand why people do not want to feel because that is the hard part. I am going to a support group, it is a ten week course and after the first week I felt so drained, utterly emotionally exhausted because for the first time instead of putting how I am feeling in a box and just trying to get through each day I opened it up and let the words out. I admitted to someone else how I felt and found others who feel the same way. There are just three of us in the group and that is good. We are all very different but we all feel the same. It is good to face this head on but it is so very very hard. I need to find the strength if I am going to get through this and come out the other side.
It is definitely not like that for me. I am so full of emotion and feeling that it drives me crazy. No day is really the same as the next and it is not unusual for me to feel every single emotion in the space of a day, an even an hour. But then there are whole days where I am swept up feeling one way or another.
There are days like yesterday when I feel so utterly sad that it is a physical weight upon me. My bones are heavy, my soul weighs tons and all I want to do is lie very still under the duvet and just hope that everything goes away. It is a luxury that I do not have though so I get up and move. I am unable to get dressed or feed myself. I will look after the children but there is no fun, no games. I can't smile at them. If they are particularly difficult I may cry. We will not leave the house and the television will be on all day.
There are days like today when I am angry. So fucking furious with myself and my life and everything that goes wrong. Everything Piran says or does winds me up. He picks up on it so he misbehaves more thinking that it's funny. Every whine or cry makes me want to walk out of the door. I am sick of myself, how I look, how I feel. I snap at people, can be a right bitch. I want the whole world to just disappear and leave me the hell alone. Everything annoys me and drives me mad. I want to throw and crash and bash things. I want to scream.
Some days like Saturday are good. I feel energised. I feel positive. I get up and get moving and get out. I get stuff done. My to do list shrinks. I think of fun things to do with Piran. I sing for him. I make him laugh. We play and tickle and I chase him round the house. I spend time on myself and enjoy cooking and feeding my family. I spend ages trying to make Kate smile and laugh. I am organised and on top of things and I feel good. I go to bed with a smile on my face. It feels like life is good.
Some days I am an emotional wreck. The slightest thing makes me cry, good or bad, happy or sad. It is like I am so full of emotion that it will force itself out any way it can. Laughter, tears, rage. I want to write, or tweet or get these things out but it is too much. Too hard. I need an outlet but I just can't get it right. I am full of nervous energy, I cannot sit still but I cannot get anything done either. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I am chaotic and completely useless.
On Sunday I woke up happy. It was such a shock I hardly knew what to do with myself. I had a lie in and a nice morning at home. I then went to a hotel for an hour in the spa (aromatherapy room = delightful) and had a manicure. I had afternoon tea and spent time with a wonderful friend. But somewhere along the way my mood had crashed and I just felt like I was going through the motions. That I just thought that I should be enjoying myself but actually I wasn't feeling much of anything at all. I got home and felt so, so low I was back to being utterly miserable. I didn't want to eat or speak or do anything. I couldn't sleep. Everything felt so much worse than before I was happy because now I knew quite how bad I feel. The high made the low so much worse.
I want to get better but the up and down hurts. The light at the end of the tunnel has burnt me and now I want to shut down. I can understand why people do not want to feel because that is the hard part. I am going to a support group, it is a ten week course and after the first week I felt so drained, utterly emotionally exhausted because for the first time instead of putting how I am feeling in a box and just trying to get through each day I opened it up and let the words out. I admitted to someone else how I felt and found others who feel the same way. There are just three of us in the group and that is good. We are all very different but we all feel the same. It is good to face this head on but it is so very very hard. I need to find the strength if I am going to get through this and come out the other side.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Happy Wedding Anniversary Mr C
Today is my wedding anniversary. Three years ago Mr C and I stood opposite each other and said our vows. He looked up to the ceiling as he tried to repeat everything correctly and I cried the whole way through mine. Regardless it is one of the happiest memories of my entire life and today I wanted to share the poem that I chose to have read during the service.
Tin Wedding Whistle - Ogden Nash
Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.
Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;
Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.
Visitors remark my frown
Where you're upstairs and I am down,
Yes, and I'm afraid I pout
When I'm indoors and you are out;
But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.
In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it's with me.
In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.
Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.
When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you're alive,
And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.
Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.
Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.
Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;
Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.
Mr C, I know that we are both tired and stressed and grumpy a lot and right now our life is more challenging than we had ever imagined; but I know that we can do anything just as long as we are together. The family we became on that day three years ago has doubled in size and I try to be grateful for everything we have and how much love we share every day. These have been the best three years of my life, and I just know it can only get better and better.
I love you.
Kelly x
Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.
Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;
Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.
Visitors remark my frown
Where you're upstairs and I am down,
Yes, and I'm afraid I pout
When I'm indoors and you are out;
But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.
In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it's with me.
In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.
Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.
When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you're alive,
And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.
Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.
Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren't.
Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;
Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.
I love you.
Kelly x
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
One small change....
....one MASSIVE result.
You know when you find the answer to a problem and it is so simple you could kick yourself? That is me this week.
All of Kate's fussing and drama over each and every feed has been solved. All it took was one little brainwave on my part this weekend and it clicked into place. She doesn't like warm milk. She wants room temperature every time.
Such a small simple thing.
The amount of crying she does a day has easily halved, if not more. Now she only cries if she is tired or bored. Or if Piran cuddles her a bit too much.
Suddenly, I feel as if I am beginning to understand this little baby of mine. It feels like a little miracle to me.
You know when you find the answer to a problem and it is so simple you could kick yourself? That is me this week.
All of Kate's fussing and drama over each and every feed has been solved. All it took was one little brainwave on my part this weekend and it clicked into place. She doesn't like warm milk. She wants room temperature every time.
Such a small simple thing.
The amount of crying she does a day has easily halved, if not more. Now she only cries if she is tired or bored. Or if Piran cuddles her a bit too much.
Suddenly, I feel as if I am beginning to understand this little baby of mine. It feels like a little miracle to me.
Monday, September 19, 2011
100 words for Save the Children
Within hours of Piran being born a midwife called a pediatrician to come and check him because they were concerned about some green bile he was throwing up. She came and he was whisked into Special Care where he stayed for five days with a team of doctors and nurses looking after him twenty four hours a day.
Both of my children were born in hospital. They have both been fully vaccinated. Health workers have come to our home to support us. We are encouraged to visit our doctor if we have any concerns 'just in case'.
Just in case.
We have all this access to healthcare and healthcare workers and I know we can take it for granted. There are people in this world that don't have any access at all. That just can't be right. There is no 'just in case' for them.
There is so much more to say, but Kate is awake so please take the time to sign the petition. It took me less than 30 seconds. Then go here and read about the 100 word challenge. Find the time to take part. Spread the word.
Please.
Both of my children were born in hospital. They have both been fully vaccinated. Health workers have come to our home to support us. We are encouraged to visit our doctor if we have any concerns 'just in case'.
Just in case.
We have all this access to healthcare and healthcare workers and I know we can take it for granted. There are people in this world that don't have any access at all. That just can't be right. There is no 'just in case' for them.
There is so much more to say, but Kate is awake so please take the time to sign the petition. It took me less than 30 seconds. Then go here and read about the 100 word challenge. Find the time to take part. Spread the word.
Please.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Absolutely nothing of substance at all (but a nice picture at the end)
I am in that state of mind where all day every day my brain starts writing blog posts and I mull over them until I fall asleep and then they are gone in the morning. It is frustrating and because then the pattern repeats itself on that day and the next and the next I am feeling completely confused and unable to write anything coherent.
As that paragraph proves.
Anyway, I decided today that it would be a good idea to just write something. To just start putting some words on the page and see where I end up. At least I will feel better for writing something.
I know, I think I will write a list of things that I could (and might) blog about. A good reminder for me and perhaps I will end up with a slightly emptier brain.
- Our holiday in Cornwall
- How it felt to come home, and how I have managed since
- My trip to hospital and how I am feeling about the whole situation
- My Twitter pep squad
- The baby group that I went to that was the wrong one
- The Postnatal Depression support group that I went to which was definitely the right one
- Guilt
- Decisions about returning to work
- How I felt after a child free day on Friday
- The things that have made me happy
- My happiness jar
- My Stickygram magnets
- Going out on Friday night
- Kate's room, the beginning
- Kate's room, progress report
- How I am feeling in general
Anyway, lots of that would be very dull I reckon but there are definitely a couple of posts in there that I will write when I have the time and head space. Tonight I am exhausted and I have Doctor Who and Torchwood to watch so I am going to curl up on the sofa and try to stay awake! I will leave you with a picture of Piran and my mum on the beach in Cornwall, building his very first sandcastle.
As that paragraph proves.
Anyway, I decided today that it would be a good idea to just write something. To just start putting some words on the page and see where I end up. At least I will feel better for writing something.
I know, I think I will write a list of things that I could (and might) blog about. A good reminder for me and perhaps I will end up with a slightly emptier brain.
- Our holiday in Cornwall
- How it felt to come home, and how I have managed since
- My trip to hospital and how I am feeling about the whole situation
- My Twitter pep squad
- The baby group that I went to that was the wrong one
- The Postnatal Depression support group that I went to which was definitely the right one
- Guilt
- Decisions about returning to work
- How I felt after a child free day on Friday
- The things that have made me happy
- My happiness jar
- My Stickygram magnets
- Going out on Friday night
- Kate's room, the beginning
- Kate's room, progress report
- How I am feeling in general
Anyway, lots of that would be very dull I reckon but there are definitely a couple of posts in there that I will write when I have the time and head space. Tonight I am exhausted and I have Doctor Who and Torchwood to watch so I am going to curl up on the sofa and try to stay awake! I will leave you with a picture of Piran and my mum on the beach in Cornwall, building his very first sandcastle.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Friday, September 09, 2011
Little moments
Wow, children change and grow every day at Piran's age don't they? He amazes me every day, or does things that make me laugh and I want to remember these things so much because I'm scared that when the PND goes away and the dust settles my memories will have faded.
So, here are a few of those moments from the past few weeks.
When we were staying at Mum's he was playing with his cars and Kate was laying in the baby gym. I was out of the room and heard her start crying so came back. Just as I came through the door I heard him say "Oh alright then", and he sat down next to her and started saying "shhh shhh shhh".
I can understand most of what he says to me these days but on the occasions that I tell him I didn't understand he gets a fierce look of concentration on his face and then he tries again.
He picked up the Jellycat Zebra Kate had been playing with and shouted "Horsie". He then proceeded to put it between his legs and cantered off. It is tiny, he looked hilarious.
Yesterday after Paul left him with his Nanny to come and collect me from the hospital he was waiting on the doorstep when I got back. He looked at me and said "Where's the baby?" It took me a while to realise he thought that because I'd been back to the hospital I would be bringing home another new baby!
He just loves to cuddle and kiss Kate and is always asking where 'Bubby' is. I tried to teach him to blow raspberries on her tummy, he thought it was the funniest thing.
So, here are a few of those moments from the past few weeks.
When we were staying at Mum's he was playing with his cars and Kate was laying in the baby gym. I was out of the room and heard her start crying so came back. Just as I came through the door I heard him say "Oh alright then", and he sat down next to her and started saying "shhh shhh shhh".
I can understand most of what he says to me these days but on the occasions that I tell him I didn't understand he gets a fierce look of concentration on his face and then he tries again.
He picked up the Jellycat Zebra Kate had been playing with and shouted "Horsie". He then proceeded to put it between his legs and cantered off. It is tiny, he looked hilarious.
Yesterday after Paul left him with his Nanny to come and collect me from the hospital he was waiting on the doorstep when I got back. He looked at me and said "Where's the baby?" It took me a while to realise he thought that because I'd been back to the hospital I would be bringing home another new baby!
He just loves to cuddle and kiss Kate and is always asking where 'Bubby' is. I tried to teach him to blow raspberries on her tummy, he thought it was the funniest thing.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Saturday, September 03, 2011
And then there is me
And finally, to me.
I am up and I am down. The tablets must be working because I would have lost my shit a long time ago. These past few weeks have been so hard but I have stopped crying all the time and most days are okay. Some days are grey, and some, like today are black. I know that is because I have reached the point where I HAVE to go back home. Real life is calling and there are many things that I need to get done.
I dont want to leave. I am always homesick but this time I look around at this place and I feel so connected and it is so rugged and becautiful and perfectly matches my mood that I just want to stay. I want to make a home here for my family and be able to see my parents and siblings all the time. I want to enjoy the fact I am part of a large family. I want Piran and Kate to grow up seeing their cousins every weekend not twice a year. I want the beach to be part of daily life, not a place to be afraid of when we go. I want to be able to stand and look out so sea and just enjoy the space and freedom I feel.
I think all of these things and then I feel crushing guilt. I have a lovely home and a life in Sussex. I have a job (when I am not on maternity leave). Mr C has a very good job, one that affords us becautiful things and we are so very lucky. He works so hard for us, and I feel terrible that I seem to feel that this is not enough for me.
And then there is the rest of the guilt. That Piran and Kate are such hard work at the moment that I do not enjoy being with them. I do not laugh. I am not fun. I am stressed and tired and short tempered. I feel fat and hot and ugly all the time. I know that my thoughts are irrational but I cannot stop them. I want to do so much but have no energy for any of the things that I know would make me feel better. I have constant guilt that I am relying too much on my inlaws, that they do not get a break.
On Thursday next week I am having a (teenie tiny) lump removed from my neck. Last time this happened (the lump was much bigger that time) it took three operations and all sorts of stress and worry about results and such. In the end it was a benign something or other that I cannot remember because I have had two babies since then but now I have children these worries become so much more. It is hard to stop them. Plus there is the worries about looking after children with stitches in my neck. Hopefully it will all be nothing.
Oh this is just a big pity party and I know I should stop. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful loving husband and two healthy children. I am sure I will feel better when I hit publish and all of this is out of my brain and onto a page. Thank you for listening. I will now try and make the most of the last 24 hours that I am in Cornwall and try not to dwell on the saying goodbye bit.
I am up and I am down. The tablets must be working because I would have lost my shit a long time ago. These past few weeks have been so hard but I have stopped crying all the time and most days are okay. Some days are grey, and some, like today are black. I know that is because I have reached the point where I HAVE to go back home. Real life is calling and there are many things that I need to get done.
I dont want to leave. I am always homesick but this time I look around at this place and I feel so connected and it is so rugged and becautiful and perfectly matches my mood that I just want to stay. I want to make a home here for my family and be able to see my parents and siblings all the time. I want to enjoy the fact I am part of a large family. I want Piran and Kate to grow up seeing their cousins every weekend not twice a year. I want the beach to be part of daily life, not a place to be afraid of when we go. I want to be able to stand and look out so sea and just enjoy the space and freedom I feel.
I think all of these things and then I feel crushing guilt. I have a lovely home and a life in Sussex. I have a job (when I am not on maternity leave). Mr C has a very good job, one that affords us becautiful things and we are so very lucky. He works so hard for us, and I feel terrible that I seem to feel that this is not enough for me.
And then there is the rest of the guilt. That Piran and Kate are such hard work at the moment that I do not enjoy being with them. I do not laugh. I am not fun. I am stressed and tired and short tempered. I feel fat and hot and ugly all the time. I know that my thoughts are irrational but I cannot stop them. I want to do so much but have no energy for any of the things that I know would make me feel better. I have constant guilt that I am relying too much on my inlaws, that they do not get a break.
On Thursday next week I am having a (teenie tiny) lump removed from my neck. Last time this happened (the lump was much bigger that time) it took three operations and all sorts of stress and worry about results and such. In the end it was a benign something or other that I cannot remember because I have had two babies since then but now I have children these worries become so much more. It is hard to stop them. Plus there is the worries about looking after children with stitches in my neck. Hopefully it will all be nothing.
Oh this is just a big pity party and I know I should stop. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful loving husband and two healthy children. I am sure I will feel better when I hit publish and all of this is out of my brain and onto a page. Thank you for listening. I will now try and make the most of the last 24 hours that I am in Cornwall and try not to dwell on the saying goodbye bit.
 |
| At the Christening last weekend. Check out Kate and her crazy hair! |
My little enigma
Think that it is best to get this all out while I can.
Where do I start with Kate?
She is beautiful. But she is such hard work. By this point with Piran we were finding our feet and his rhythm and life was settling down. With Kate I really have no idea what she wants and when. I think that I have an idea and she proves me wrong each time. I swear half the time she does not know what she wants herself.
The one thing that is guaranteed is that she wants to go to bed at 5.30 each night. She starts screaming until she is in her cot with her dummy and her muslin to pull and play with. I remember Piran doing the same.
During the day she is rarely content. I can count the number of times she smiles at me a day on one hand. She cries because she wants to be held, she cries because actually she would rather lie on the floor with no one around. She sleeps in her swing one day and screams when you put her in it the next. One day she will be happy and have a great two hour nap, the next she will refuse to sleep all day. One day she wants to be held to have her milk, the next she will only drink it lying on the floor, or in her chair. She wants to be outside and moving about. I know I should use a sling but I just dont seem to be able to get on with any. I shall try again when I get home, I have three to try but I find that I get so hot when I carry her and the antidepressants I am taking are giving me extreme hot flushes as well. I hate being hot.
If you manage to work out when she is really hungry and not having a screaming fit because she is hot / tired / bored / mad at me she will drink 6 or 7 ounces of milk. But it usually takes a number of attempts to get her to drink it, finding the right position, waiting for her to poo, it can take so long. With Piran he was so happy with his milk it never crossed my mind to wean before six months. This time, as she reaches four months old I am thinking that maybe it is worth a try. But I loved doing baby led weaning with Piran and he is such a good eater now that I wanted to do the same with Kate. So I really do not know what to do. Do I try some baby rice and see or do I hold out until six months. Mind you, Piran hardly ate anything until around ten months, just enjoyed the food and still had milk so it could be another six months of trying to get her to have her milk. I think that might do me in.
We have managed the past few weeks because there are so many pairs of hands here, sisters and friends, Grandparents and brothers. Someone to hold, to amuse, to distract. What will I do when there is only me and Piran is demanding so much attention? I am petrified.
She is gorgeous and happy if you catch her in the right mood. Admittedly, it only seems to last on average ten minutes a day but they are a wonderful ten minutes. She adores her brother and her eyes are always on him. I know that this cannot last forever, and I just have to remember that.
Where do I start with Kate?
She is beautiful. But she is such hard work. By this point with Piran we were finding our feet and his rhythm and life was settling down. With Kate I really have no idea what she wants and when. I think that I have an idea and she proves me wrong each time. I swear half the time she does not know what she wants herself.
The one thing that is guaranteed is that she wants to go to bed at 5.30 each night. She starts screaming until she is in her cot with her dummy and her muslin to pull and play with. I remember Piran doing the same.
During the day she is rarely content. I can count the number of times she smiles at me a day on one hand. She cries because she wants to be held, she cries because actually she would rather lie on the floor with no one around. She sleeps in her swing one day and screams when you put her in it the next. One day she will be happy and have a great two hour nap, the next she will refuse to sleep all day. One day she wants to be held to have her milk, the next she will only drink it lying on the floor, or in her chair. She wants to be outside and moving about. I know I should use a sling but I just dont seem to be able to get on with any. I shall try again when I get home, I have three to try but I find that I get so hot when I carry her and the antidepressants I am taking are giving me extreme hot flushes as well. I hate being hot.
If you manage to work out when she is really hungry and not having a screaming fit because she is hot / tired / bored / mad at me she will drink 6 or 7 ounces of milk. But it usually takes a number of attempts to get her to drink it, finding the right position, waiting for her to poo, it can take so long. With Piran he was so happy with his milk it never crossed my mind to wean before six months. This time, as she reaches four months old I am thinking that maybe it is worth a try. But I loved doing baby led weaning with Piran and he is such a good eater now that I wanted to do the same with Kate. So I really do not know what to do. Do I try some baby rice and see or do I hold out until six months. Mind you, Piran hardly ate anything until around ten months, just enjoyed the food and still had milk so it could be another six months of trying to get her to have her milk. I think that might do me in.
We have managed the past few weeks because there are so many pairs of hands here, sisters and friends, Grandparents and brothers. Someone to hold, to amuse, to distract. What will I do when there is only me and Piran is demanding so much attention? I am petrified.
She is gorgeous and happy if you catch her in the right mood. Admittedly, it only seems to last on average ten minutes a day but they are a wonderful ten minutes. She adores her brother and her eyes are always on him. I know that this cannot last forever, and I just have to remember that.
My little limpet
I am at the end of an extended holiday in Cornwall. We had Piran and Kate Christened last week and I have spent a lot of time with family and friends.
I am not doing so well though. It is all so overwhelming that I havent even been able to begin to blog about what has been going on. It still is but I feel like I have to try to get some of it out if only to give myself a little thinking space. I want (and need) to write about me, and Kate but today I will just start with Piran.
Over the past two months my bright, happy, friendly, smiley boy has changed. He has always been cautious in different situations but he just seems to be getting worse and worse. He wants me all the time. No one else will do. If I am unable to cuddle him as soon as he asks he starts to cry and hang off my legs. He is afraid of everyone and everything. If I am holding Kate he tells me to put her down and pick him up instead (I always say no to that). At night he wants to sleep with me. My arm hurt for two days after the Christening from carrying him so much.
All of this makes being at home difficult and being out and about impossible unless I am visiting a friend or going somewhere who can take the baby for me while I deal with Piran. If he is out of the buggy he wants to hold my hand all of the time but I cannot steer the Phil and Teds with one hand so that doesnt work.
I just do not know what to do about this. I hope that this is a phase and any suggestions on how to deal with it would be gratefully receieved. I do not know what started this, although life has changed a lot for him since Kate arrived. Two nights ago was the worst. He was sleeping in my bed and Kate woke for a feed. I needed to go and make her bottle but he would not let me leave, screaming and shouting. In the end the combination of them both crying got my mum out of bed and she waited with him. You would have thought that I was leaving forever. In the three minutes I was gone my mum had to physically restrain him and he was in such a state when I got back it took 20 minutes to calm him down. Mum fed the baby but what will happen when we are home and Mr C goes away on business?
So those are my worries on the Piran front. Kate and I deserve posts of our own (because we are worth it!) He is still my gorgeous boy though.
I am not doing so well though. It is all so overwhelming that I havent even been able to begin to blog about what has been going on. It still is but I feel like I have to try to get some of it out if only to give myself a little thinking space. I want (and need) to write about me, and Kate but today I will just start with Piran.
Over the past two months my bright, happy, friendly, smiley boy has changed. He has always been cautious in different situations but he just seems to be getting worse and worse. He wants me all the time. No one else will do. If I am unable to cuddle him as soon as he asks he starts to cry and hang off my legs. He is afraid of everyone and everything. If I am holding Kate he tells me to put her down and pick him up instead (I always say no to that). At night he wants to sleep with me. My arm hurt for two days after the Christening from carrying him so much.
All of this makes being at home difficult and being out and about impossible unless I am visiting a friend or going somewhere who can take the baby for me while I deal with Piran. If he is out of the buggy he wants to hold my hand all of the time but I cannot steer the Phil and Teds with one hand so that doesnt work.
I just do not know what to do about this. I hope that this is a phase and any suggestions on how to deal with it would be gratefully receieved. I do not know what started this, although life has changed a lot for him since Kate arrived. Two nights ago was the worst. He was sleeping in my bed and Kate woke for a feed. I needed to go and make her bottle but he would not let me leave, screaming and shouting. In the end the combination of them both crying got my mum out of bed and she waited with him. You would have thought that I was leaving forever. In the three minutes I was gone my mum had to physically restrain him and he was in such a state when I got back it took 20 minutes to calm him down. Mum fed the baby but what will happen when we are home and Mr C goes away on business?
So those are my worries on the Piran front. Kate and I deserve posts of our own (because we are worth it!) He is still my gorgeous boy though.
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