Silent Sunday #41

Silent Sunday #40

Postcards from Cornwall

I am blatantly stealing the idea for this post from Laura at Are we nearly there yet Mummy? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?

Dear Daddy,

We are having a lovely time in Cornwall. Gaga is great fun and she took me to the park to play in the sandpit. Luckily Auntie A came too and noticed the rabbit droppings before I could mistake them for a snack.

This afternoon we went to the woods and saw some ducks and squirrels. I shared my raisins with them and Mummy and Aunty A had a discussion about who would win in a fight. Mummy said her money was on the duck.

We stopped for tea and cake and I tried to eat a piece of flapjack the size of my head. Sorry I didn't want to talk to you on Skype, Gaga has a slide on her front lawn which was more fun.

Wish you were here,

Piran x


Dear Daddy

Woke up, ate, slept, pooped, got dressed, ate, slept, went for a walk, ate, threw up, ate, slept.

Wish you were here,

Kate x

Not here, somewhere else

Today I am over at Being a Mummy, talking about what being a mum is all about for me right now. I would love it if you could come and let me know your thoughts.

Thank you to the lovely Zooarchaeologist for sharing her blog with me today.

Silent Sunday #39

Me, now.

It has been four weeks since I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti depressants for postnatal depression.

A few times since then I have thought about blogging about how I have been feeling, but there were things like birthdays to think about and then write about and I have been trying to focus on good and happy things but at the end of the day, things really aren't good and happy for me right now.

This blog is many things and although it started out as just a place to me be, it has developed into something more. I hope that one day my children will read it and learn about what our lives were like when they were small, how we dealt with growing up ourselves as parental responsibility took over. How I am feeling right now is an important part of that journey and cannot be ignored. I guess I would just hate to think that at some point in the future they might read about it and feel that it is any reflection on them. It is not. I love being a mum, I love my babies. I am just not very good at it all right now.

I am exhausted. I keep thinking to myself that I could handle all of this if .......... (insert reason here). Each week I change that statement. I could handle all of this if Kate would just stop crying so much. I could handle all of this if Kate was in a routine. I could handle all of this if Piran would sleep at night and stay in his own bed. But each time we tackle one of these things and I don't feel better, I don't feel like I am coping, I end up feeling worse.

I was trying to explain it to Mr C last week and it is as if I keep setting myself up for disappointment. If I have a good day I think "yes, things are getting better" and then the following day when I feel terrible again all my hopes and dreams of this getting better disappear and I feel so much worse. It is like my brain just will not accept that this is not something that will go away overnight. I am not going to feel better for a while yet. This will take months not weeks and I should stop searching for that chink of light at the end of the tunnel because it really isn't there yet.

If anything I think it is further away. I feel so very lost. I feel miserable. I feel useless. I am in a horrible viscous circle where I am so tired and need sleep but either my children or insomnia keeps me awake at night. When Piran was small I would sleep anywhere and everywhere and fall into bed and be asleep in seconds. Now I lay for hours in the dark with my stomach in knots trying to get myself to sleep. That just makes it worse of course.

I can feel my life getting smaller and smaller everyday. The best thing for me is to go out and see people, to not stay home but if I am exhausted I don't want to drive with Kate and Piran in the car as I don't feel safe. So I stay home and that makes me feel anxious and worried and so I don't sleep and I am going out less and sleeping less and losing all of my very limited amounts of positive energy. I walk around with my stomach constantly in knots of anxiety.

Last time I was depressed and suffered from anxiety I could hide in my room under the duvet. You can't do that when you have children. You have to keep going for them. I just want to hide from the world.

I hate that I don't recognise myself. I have always been organised, on time. I am forgetting appointments and to send birthday cards and presents. I got the wrong time for our first swimming lesson and ended up sat at the side of the pool in tears. I just couldn't stop crying. I was mortified. I hate that it takes me three days to manage to complete a task as small as a load of washing. I hate that my husband has to work a full day in a stressful job and then come home and make sure that everything at home has been done as well. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I still feel like this even though I have fabulous support from my husband and my inlaws. Why isn't it enough for me?

I am taking the tablets but I don't know if they are working. The doctor just checked I wasn't having any bad side effects and gave me more. I don't know how this is meant to work. I feel lost and abandoned. Do I just take tablets and sit back and wait for things to get better? What if that doesn't happen? How long should it take? Who can help me?

It is not all bad and I have to try and remember that. So I have created a happiness jar and when something funny happens or something good I write it down and pop it in there. I will then have a jar of happiness and wonderful memories for when I feel better.

This is a long and rambling post with very little point other than it does me good every once in a while to open my head and let the thoughts pour out. It gets rid of all the negative ones and leaves room to think and maybe dream a little of what life will be like for us all when I feel better.

Review: Canvas Dezign

Our house is covered with photographs of Piran, from acrylic pictures of him swimming underwater to professional shots and even a painting my dad did of him as a baby. But as is the way with second babies I have not yet managed to even print one of Kate so when I was contacted by Canvas Dezign asking if I would like to review one of their canvases I jumped at the chance.

I picked the picture above from my Baby's got blue eyes post and sent it off asking for a particular size canvas. They contacted me again to inform me that the picture was better suited to a 18x12 canvas. This is a bespoke size canvas and would have cost £20.30.

A parcel arrived the next day. I was so excited opening it and it turned out that they had made me not one but two versions of my picture! One in the original colours and a second one in black and white but with the eyes left a beautiful blue colour. They are both wonderful and we can't decide which one we prefer. I love the colour version but Mr C prefers the black and white.

I have spent a while looking around the Canvas Dezign website and I am really impressed. There are loads of different options, including texting photos from your phone to create canvases or even just to store them. You can create acrylic prints as well as canvases from old photographs which I think is a fantastic idea. The website is simple and easy to use with really comprehensive help sections. Delivery is £9 which is quite expensive but that is per order not per canvas and it is a next delivery service.

I am very impressed with the canvases we received and I am already planning on trying to get a great photo of Piran and Kate together for the grandparent's Christmas gifts this year.

So, which do you prefer? Do let me know in the comments.

3 months

Dear Kate,

I started a tradition of writing letters to your brother every three months and I am so happy to be writing this one to you now. It is a little later than I would have liked but the time I set aside was taken up with you not sleeping and then suddenly it is four days later. Time is a very funny thing when you have a newborn in the house.

Your arrival in this world was a wonderful experience for me, and your Daddy and I were just amazed by you immediately. I remember lying in the hospital and looking at you sleeping and thinking that I was the happiest person in the world. I had no idea right then how much you would turn our lives upside down!

You are so beautiful. You have an amazing crazy hairdo and although you have lost hair, you have kept quite a lot and it is a big fluffy mess that tickles my nose when I hold you. I love it. Everyone says that you look like me and I can see certain features that are all too familiar. My top lip and my ears in particular. Sorry about that.

If I was asked to describe the last three months in one word I am afraid that it would be 'noisy'. You have cried a lot since you were born. We are not sure if you had colic or if you are just a sensitive soul but you certainly make a lot of noise. The longest you cried for was 9 hours one Saturday. You still cry a lot. We try everything to make you happy, but some days we just have to let you wail.

You do have a lovely smile when you decide to show it. Your brother used to smile at everyone but you are much more selective. It makes the smiles even more wonderful though. You love to sit on my lap and face me and chat. We say "Hi" to each other and poke out our tongues. You love to be bounced on my knee. You want to sit up and see what is going on all of the time. Your eyes take everything in. You like to sleep in your swing in the daytime. You are always happy if you are moving. You dribble bubbles.

First smile!

You moved into your own room when you turned three months. I miss you but you are much happier and sleep better away from other people. Your brother being in our room was disturbing you and most of the time at the moment you will sleep from 6pm - 7am. You love the bath and it will always stop you crying. You have a strong grip and love to play with a muslin.
Your brother loves you very much and you are fascinated by him. If he is in the room you watch him intently. He tells me to give you milk when you are upset. He comes home and calls your name "BUBBY". You are the first thing he asks for in the morning. Even before his milk. That makes you very special. He gives you hugs and kisses, and likes to pass you toys. I don't know how long it will last but it makes me very happy to see how much you like each other.

I am not finding life as easy as I could. I have been quieter and sadder than usual and I am sorry for that. I try to remember to smile at you as much as I can. I know that you don't know what is going on but I worry that you pick up on when I am sad and I don't like that. Things will get better, I promise.

I do love you though. Your cheeky grin that was a bit like a pirate's with a wink when you were learning. The "hur, hur, hur" sound of your laugh. You have beautiful clothes (loads more than me) and you always look so pretty. You like to chew your sleeves and your hands. The first beautiful smile you give me every morning makes it all worthwhile.

Love Mum x

Silent Sunday #38

From One to Two

I did this last year for Piran. I didn't think that I had time or the energy this year but Mr C has been working in the evenings so I have spent more time on the laptop than usual and I managed to put this together. I am glad that I did. I really love it.

Review: Fisher Price Precious Planet™ Blue Sky™ SpaceSaver Swing & Seat

Initial thoughts: When Kate was just a couple of weeks old it became apparent that she was a baby that liked to cry a lot! The only thing we found that could help soothe her in the afternoons and evenings was constant motion and after a while we were exhausted and so when Fisher Price asked if I would like to review a product for Kate I was practically begging them for some type of swing.

We liked: I like the lovely bright colours and the animal design. It can be used as a swing or clipped to the frame so it is a static chair. There are five speeds, a vibrate setting and music that isn’t too annoying. You seem to like swinging in it and will have at least one nap a day in it so it gets the big thumbs up from me.

We didn’t like: I find the catch to stop the chair a bit fiddly. It also states that the vibrate mode shouldn’t work when the chair is swinging but it seems to. These two things aren’t a problem though. The one thing I would have liked is a way of folding it up a bit so that it can be tucked away in the evening. It is an expensive item with a RRP of £84.99 but it is available at Amazon for £53.58 at the moment.

Overall: This swing didn’t solve all our crying problems but it has definitely had a positive impact on our lives with a newborn and that means I would recommend it to anyone. It is a well-built swing from a trusted brand and we really love it.

Further information: Full details of the Fisher Price Precious Planet™ Blue Sky™ SpaceSaver Swing and Seat  can be found on the Fisher Price Website.

Two

Dear Piran, 

Today you are two whole years old. You are no longer a baby, although I still call you my baby. You are a walking, talking, smiling, jumping, laughing, shouting, wriggling, giggling little boy.

The past three months are a little bit of a blur I am afraid, life has been totally chaotic. I am trying to think what is different about you now but it is hard. My brain isn’t very good at the moment it seems.

So let me see. You love toast. You ask for it ten times a day, more than biscuits. Not more than cake though. Since yesterday, when you blew out candles on a cake for the first time, every time you say the word cake you also blow. It is very cute. You feed yourself and eat lots of different foods. You love salmon, fishcakes, fishfingers, carrots, toast, ham, rice pudding and bananas. You will only drink water and milk, you demand ‘MULK’ immediately upon waking and when you finish your cup at bedtime you immediately say “Na-night” and go to bed.

You love water, swimming and the bath. You hate having your nappy changed and getting undressed or dressed. You can scream very loud. If you don’t like something you tell us “Don’t like it”. This can apply to noises, toys, TV programmes and food or drink. You like TV and ask for “Beebies” but you are never that bothered if I say no. You ask me to read you books but you just want to turn the pages, you never listen to the story, unless you are drinking milk.


You moved up to the main nursery today. You have a peg with your picture on it now. I am very proud of you. You will cry and cling on almost every time we leave you there but apparently as soon as the door is closed you are fine. Just giving us a hard time then!


You still nap during the day. At the moment you wake every night at some point and come into our bed. You are just so loud and insistent and your Dad and I are very tired at the moment so it is the easiest thing to do. I don’t like it so much when you are kicking me in the head though. I do like walking up next to you though; sometimes I get a lovely cuddle, just before your cries of “MULK”. You like a lot of cuddles these days and lift your arms and say “cuddle” at the slightest upset. You love your Daddy so much and ask for him twenty times a day when he is at work. You never stop talking unless we go somewhere new or different and you are shy. Then it is blissfully quiet.

You go to nursery a day and a half a week and spend another day and a half with Nanny and Grandad. They take you on buses and trains and to the airport to watch the planes. They take you to the zoo and ride with you on the Thomas Train. Your other Grandparents have all been to stay in the past three months and you loved every moment of it, having people of boss around that will play with you all day is brilliant.

The biggest thing that has happened in the last three months however is the fact that you are now a big brother. Your baby sister Kate (or Bubby as you call her) has come into our lives and changed everything. The good news is that I am no longer massive and can run and chase and lift and cuddle you again. That is brilliant. When the baby came along you were so good. You would tell us to be quiet if she was sleeping. You loved to look into her carry cot and shout “Hello” at her head. You like to help look after her, you tell me when she starts to cry that she needs milk and her bum-bum changing. You bring her dummy and toys. She cries a lot but you don’t let it bother you. You just go on playing with your cars or train while she screams next to you. More recently you have started asking for a cuddle when you see me holding her, perhaps you are a little jealous but we take it in turns and you are fine. She is the first thing you ask for in the morning, like you just want to make sure she is still there.

You love to jump and be silly. You have a great laugh and win millions over with your smile. You have a whiny tone of voice that you use some days that cuts straight through me and drives me completely demented. If you are tired you can kick and hit out. You try to throw big screaming tantrums but if we ignore you completely they are soon over.

If I think about the past three months the word that your Dad and I have used a lot is proud. We are proud of the little boy we have raised so far; you are very well behaved when we are out (much better than at home). You say please and thank you. You have been so good with your sister. I can see that you love her and she watches you so intently. You are kind and gentle. We see you learn and grow every day and it is amazing. You fill our hearts with love and with pride and we are so very lucky to have spent the past two years with you.

Love Mum x