Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
BIRTHDAY!
Me: Piran, how old will you be on your birthday?
Piran: BIRTHDAY!
Me: How old?
Piran: TWO! *holds up one finger*
There are a lot of birthdays around these parts at the moment. Today it was my birthday. Tomorrow is Mr C's birthday. Monday it is Piran's.
Sadly, due to some vomiting incidents yesterday we took the decision to cancel our party tomorow. I just couldn't bear it if someone got sick because of us. So instead I think I am going to take Mr C, Piran and Kate on an adventure. Piran seems much better and I have an urge for sea air, and something a little different.
There was one other birthday a week ago that I missed. My blog was 4 whole years old. I'm really gutted I missed it and wish that I had marked it with a giveaway or something but I am rapidly coming up on 600 posts so I will do it then.
For now I am just going to spend all my time and energy on celebrating the BIRTHDAY!(s) of my two favourite boys.
Piran: BIRTHDAY!
Me: How old?
Piran: TWO! *holds up one finger*
There are a lot of birthdays around these parts at the moment. Today it was my birthday. Tomorrow is Mr C's birthday. Monday it is Piran's.
Sadly, due to some vomiting incidents yesterday we took the decision to cancel our party tomorow. I just couldn't bear it if someone got sick because of us. So instead I think I am going to take Mr C, Piran and Kate on an adventure. Piran seems much better and I have an urge for sea air, and something a little different.
There was one other birthday a week ago that I missed. My blog was 4 whole years old. I'm really gutted I missed it and wish that I had marked it with a giveaway or something but I am rapidly coming up on 600 posts so I will do it then.
For now I am just going to spend all my time and energy on celebrating the BIRTHDAY!(s) of my two favourite boys.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
84 days
Well here we are. Twelve weeks.
There were times that I thought we might never make it to this point with our sanity intact. I can remember talking to Mr C and just saying that if we could make it to twelve weeks we would be fine. Dividing up the time into chunks helped me, we were a quarter of the way, a third, then half. Somewhere along the road I stopped doing that. I was surprised yesterday, thinking about this milestone that it was here already. That is not to say it became easier, although I suppose it has a little, it is more that I never thought this day would come.
We are finding our feet, my little girl and I. She is so very different from Piran, which of course is to be expected. We have fallen into a routine of sorts. The details will most probably bore you but I want to get them down here just to remember them. I don't remember Piran's and it frustrates me.
It varies slightly from day to day, depending on what the night was like, if she naps and what we have been doing so this is the last 24 hours:
6.30 Bottle of milk
7.30 Short nap
9.30 Bottle of milk
12.00 Bottle of milk
1.30 Big sleep until next feed
3.00 Bottle of milk
5.45 Bath (every few nights), get ready for bed.
6.00 Bottle of milk and bed
6.30 Asleep
10.00 Dream feed
4.00 Bottle of milk
Between sleeps and bottles of milk there is still a lot of crying. A lot. Kate wants to sit on my lap all the time. Our attempts with a sling have not been great, although I was hoping she would like it more when she could control her head so I should try again. Piran used to lie on the floor and look at toys and wriggle about for hours. I can get Kate to do it for ten minutes if I am lucky. She might consent to staying in her cot for 20 minutes in the morning watching her mobile if she is feeling generous.
She just likes to be moving. A swing has been a godsend, even though sometimes she hates it occasionally she will fall asleep in it in the afternoon and stay that way for two hours. It is never guaranteed though. She is good if we are out and about as long as the pushchair or car just keeps moving. That is why I think there is so much more crying at home, less movement.
Having two children is tough and the fact of the matter is that the second child is left to cry a lot more than the first ever was. At times it is quicker and easier to deal with Piran's demands before Kate's and that will always result in more tears. That said, she does cry for at least 2 hours every day just because she wants to! Sometimes we have to just put her in her chair and rock her and let her get it out of her system.
She still wants to be fed lying down, the flatter the better. I still have no idea why.
Piran is showing signs of jealousy, where up until now he has been fine. He wants to sleep in our room every night, and always asks for a cuddle the moment I pick Kate up. I feel bad, because I am not coping so well the one thing that people can do to help is look after Piran, plus he goes to nursery and spends regular days with my inlaws so I feel that he is never with me, that I am always trying to get rid of him. I know that he loves to do all these things and that he has fun but I miss him. The answer is quality one on one time at the weekends when Mr C is around so I am working on that.
And so the weeks go past. A few more and we will be off to Cornwall to introduce Kate to my brothers and sisters for the first time, and all of her cousins. I cannot wait, I am so homesick. It will be nice to be home.
For now we have appointments and injections and birthdays and then we start swimming lessons next week. My girl and I are still finding our way, but we will muddle on regardless.
There were times that I thought we might never make it to this point with our sanity intact. I can remember talking to Mr C and just saying that if we could make it to twelve weeks we would be fine. Dividing up the time into chunks helped me, we were a quarter of the way, a third, then half. Somewhere along the road I stopped doing that. I was surprised yesterday, thinking about this milestone that it was here already. That is not to say it became easier, although I suppose it has a little, it is more that I never thought this day would come.
We are finding our feet, my little girl and I. She is so very different from Piran, which of course is to be expected. We have fallen into a routine of sorts. The details will most probably bore you but I want to get them down here just to remember them. I don't remember Piran's and it frustrates me.
It varies slightly from day to day, depending on what the night was like, if she naps and what we have been doing so this is the last 24 hours:
6.30 Bottle of milk
7.30 Short nap
9.30 Bottle of milk
12.00 Bottle of milk
1.30 Big sleep until next feed
3.00 Bottle of milk
5.45 Bath (every few nights), get ready for bed.
6.00 Bottle of milk and bed
6.30 Asleep
10.00 Dream feed
4.00 Bottle of milk
Between sleeps and bottles of milk there is still a lot of crying. A lot. Kate wants to sit on my lap all the time. Our attempts with a sling have not been great, although I was hoping she would like it more when she could control her head so I should try again. Piran used to lie on the floor and look at toys and wriggle about for hours. I can get Kate to do it for ten minutes if I am lucky. She might consent to staying in her cot for 20 minutes in the morning watching her mobile if she is feeling generous.
She just likes to be moving. A swing has been a godsend, even though sometimes she hates it occasionally she will fall asleep in it in the afternoon and stay that way for two hours. It is never guaranteed though. She is good if we are out and about as long as the pushchair or car just keeps moving. That is why I think there is so much more crying at home, less movement.
Having two children is tough and the fact of the matter is that the second child is left to cry a lot more than the first ever was. At times it is quicker and easier to deal with Piran's demands before Kate's and that will always result in more tears. That said, she does cry for at least 2 hours every day just because she wants to! Sometimes we have to just put her in her chair and rock her and let her get it out of her system.
She still wants to be fed lying down, the flatter the better. I still have no idea why.
Piran is showing signs of jealousy, where up until now he has been fine. He wants to sleep in our room every night, and always asks for a cuddle the moment I pick Kate up. I feel bad, because I am not coping so well the one thing that people can do to help is look after Piran, plus he goes to nursery and spends regular days with my inlaws so I feel that he is never with me, that I am always trying to get rid of him. I know that he loves to do all these things and that he has fun but I miss him. The answer is quality one on one time at the weekends when Mr C is around so I am working on that.
And so the weeks go past. A few more and we will be off to Cornwall to introduce Kate to my brothers and sisters for the first time, and all of her cousins. I cannot wait, I am so homesick. It will be nice to be home.
For now we have appointments and injections and birthdays and then we start swimming lessons next week. My girl and I are still finding our way, but we will muddle on regardless.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Being kind to myself
When I have a long list of things that I need to or would like to do I get into this state where I cannot do anything. I freeze under the pressure. I tried to tackle this in the past with my "Do ONE thing, properly" mentality and back when I had one baby to look after that worked for me.
But now my list is longer and free time is drastically reduced. So I am slipping back into old patterns. The feeling of constant panic in my stomach, that there are so many things that need to get done and no time to do them and if I don't do them the world will end and I will be a bad mum and a bad wife.....it goes on and on.
Some lovely people have left some very supportive comments over the past week and their words of advice and support here and on Twitter have been a real comfort. One thing people keep saying to me is that I should be kind to myself. So I need to take their advice.
Accept all offers of help.
Don't feel guilty or worry that they may suffer because of it. These people are grown ups and if they offer help that is their decision.
Aim low; getting all three of us up and dressed each day is an achievement in itself.
Spend less time on Twitter and read a book.
Get one night of uninterrupted sleep a week. Mr C can cope with one night.
I have ordered Piran's birthday cake from Waitrose instead of making it myself.
Simple is good for our birthday party. Jugs of Pimms and a few balloons thrown about will be enough.
I am unsubscribing from all the junk emails that litter my inbox.
I am saying no to offers and opportunities unless it is something I cannot bear to miss.
I am trying to eat well. Less junk food for sure but I'm still eating too much toast.
I am being honest about how I feel, and letting myself cry if I need to.
I am not making the bed. No one cares.
I am looking for shortcuts in everything I do.
I am making lots of plans with lots of people because the days that are full and busy are easier than the ones at home.
I am trying to snatch child free moments and I am being selfish. Sewing and reading and blogging.
I have a big list of all the things I need to do. Once it is on the list it is out of my brain.
I think that is it. Any good hints, tips and advice gratefully received.
But now my list is longer and free time is drastically reduced. So I am slipping back into old patterns. The feeling of constant panic in my stomach, that there are so many things that need to get done and no time to do them and if I don't do them the world will end and I will be a bad mum and a bad wife.....it goes on and on.
Some lovely people have left some very supportive comments over the past week and their words of advice and support here and on Twitter have been a real comfort. One thing people keep saying to me is that I should be kind to myself. So I need to take their advice.
Accept all offers of help.
Don't feel guilty or worry that they may suffer because of it. These people are grown ups and if they offer help that is their decision.
Aim low; getting all three of us up and dressed each day is an achievement in itself.
Spend less time on Twitter and read a book.
Get one night of uninterrupted sleep a week. Mr C can cope with one night.
I have ordered Piran's birthday cake from Waitrose instead of making it myself.
Simple is good for our birthday party. Jugs of Pimms and a few balloons thrown about will be enough.
I am unsubscribing from all the junk emails that litter my inbox.
I am saying no to offers and opportunities unless it is something I cannot bear to miss.
I am trying to eat well. Less junk food for sure but I'm still eating too much toast.
I am being honest about how I feel, and letting myself cry if I need to.
I am not making the bed. No one cares.
I am looking for shortcuts in everything I do.
I am making lots of plans with lots of people because the days that are full and busy are easier than the ones at home.
I am trying to snatch child free moments and I am being selfish. Sewing and reading and blogging.
I have a big list of all the things I need to do. Once it is on the list it is out of my brain.
I think that is it. Any good hints, tips and advice gratefully received.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
From the archives: The Return of Dippy Mother
There are posts in my archives that mean a lot to me that may not have been seen by quite a few of my readers. So, for a short while, during these crazy new baby days when I don't have the time to blog as much as I would need or like I thought that I would share some posts from the past, in a 'From the archives' series. As much for my own enjoyment as well as, I hope, yours.
I love my mum. She's just the right amount of crazy that always makes me laugh and everybody loves her. She has been phoning me every day this week which has been really special, always finding a reason to call. Wednesday's reason was to inform me that I have to listen to The Archers while she is in France and take notes of the salient points so that I can report back on her return. Apparently there is a nail biting storyline about E-Coli and Ice Cream at the moment which she just cannot miss.
Anyway, it reminded me of some of the posts that I used to write on my first blog. I called her Dippy Mother (I am not sure if that would offend her or not. Hmm) and I was Dancinfairy back then. This post was from February 2006. I had started seeing Mr C in January and so he was a new boyfriend back then. How things have changed.
It's been a while since my last Dippy Mother post. So after a particularly funny phone conversation with her this afternoon I have these gems to share.
DM: I watched those Brit Awards last night. Thought I would try and be a bit modern.
Fairy: Oh, right.
DM: I didn't like any of the music.
On the subject of boyfriend:
DM: So tell me about him.
Fairy: What?
DM: How tall is he?
Fairy: About the same height as Brother.
DM: Skinny?
Fairy: About the same build as Brother.
DM: Does he look like him then?
Fairy: Eugh, NO!
DM: Does he wear glasses?
Fairy: Yes.
DM: I knew it!
Fairy: How?
DM: Does he drive a car?
Fairy: Yes
DM: Oh good. I just had a feeling about the glasses.
Later on:
Fairy: So we might come and visit at Easter.
DM: Oh no.
Fairy: Why not?
DM: Well he sounds really nice. You don't want to scare him off. Have you told him about your dysfunctional family?
And finally:
DM: Does he like music?
Fairy: Um..yes?
DM: Good because anyone that goes with you should like music because you do.
I swear it is no wonder I am the way that I am.
I love my mum. She's just the right amount of crazy that always makes me laugh and everybody loves her. She has been phoning me every day this week which has been really special, always finding a reason to call. Wednesday's reason was to inform me that I have to listen to The Archers while she is in France and take notes of the salient points so that I can report back on her return. Apparently there is a nail biting storyline about E-Coli and Ice Cream at the moment which she just cannot miss.
Anyway, it reminded me of some of the posts that I used to write on my first blog. I called her Dippy Mother (I am not sure if that would offend her or not. Hmm) and I was Dancinfairy back then. This post was from February 2006. I had started seeing Mr C in January and so he was a new boyfriend back then. How things have changed.
It's been a while since my last Dippy Mother post. So after a particularly funny phone conversation with her this afternoon I have these gems to share.
DM: I watched those Brit Awards last night. Thought I would try and be a bit modern.
Fairy: Oh, right.
DM: I didn't like any of the music.
On the subject of boyfriend:
DM: So tell me about him.
Fairy: What?
DM: How tall is he?
Fairy: About the same height as Brother.
DM: Skinny?
Fairy: About the same build as Brother.
DM: Does he look like him then?
Fairy: Eugh, NO!
DM: Does he wear glasses?
Fairy: Yes.
DM: I knew it!
Fairy: How?
DM: Does he drive a car?
Fairy: Yes
DM: Oh good. I just had a feeling about the glasses.
Later on:
Fairy: So we might come and visit at Easter.
DM: Oh no.
Fairy: Why not?
DM: Well he sounds really nice. You don't want to scare him off. Have you told him about your dysfunctional family?
And finally:
DM: Does he like music?
Fairy: Um..yes?
DM: Good because anyone that goes with you should like music because you do.
I swear it is no wonder I am the way that I am.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Deep breath, one thing at a time.
***Something weird has happened to this post during publishing and part of it is missing. I think I have fixed it now and it makes a bit more sense! It is still double spacing the paragraphs which brives me bonkers but that will just have to stay that way for now***
I have started this post a few times, once I even bashed out two paragraphs but I keep hitting the delete button.
It is not that I don't know what I want to say, it is just that I don't know where to start, or how to say it.
So I have 14 minutes until I need to make Kate's feed and I am just going to write. To try and get everything out of my brain and onto the page in the hope that it will empty the whirlwind that is my brain at the moment and give me a chance to get some rest. If the children let me that is.
Things are hard. My suspicions were correct and the doctor agrees that I have Postnatal Depression. Tablets have been prescribed and I am now just trying to come to terms with what this means and how I feel. How to tell people. I don't want to hide it from people but it is hard to admit. My mum, bless her wonderful soul, has been fabulous. I wish she was here to hold my hand through this but I will see her in a few weeks so I can look forward to that. She worries I know, and part of me wants to keep her from it as I know how frustrating it is when you live somewhere else and cannot help. She cheers me up instead with long rambling telephone calls in the middle of the day where we talk about everything and nothing.
My husband is an amazing man. He is here and helping and just getting me through each day. I love him for that. He works hard and still does his share when he gets home. I know how lucky I am.
The hardest thing by far this week is a sudden reluctance on Kate's part to be held when she feeds. She no longer wants to be cuddled up next to me to have her bottle. She will scream and scream and struggle instead. It is so horrible and frustrating and heartbreaking. She will drink lying in her chair, in the car seat, and lying flat on her back in the cot. I'm actually devastated about it. Why does she not want to be held? The only thing that has stopped this from tipping me over the edge is that she is the same with Mr C as well.
She is calming down otherwise though and if you take feeding out of the equation things are getting much easier. She loves to sit up on my lap, looking at me and having a conversation. She makes a 'huh' noise over and over which is her little laugh and smiles away.
I know it is a cliche but you really do forget what having a small baby is like. At least I know I have. I keep saying that Kate cries so much more than Piran ever did, and that I am finding it so much harder this time, then I went back and read the post I wrote to Piran when he turned three months old. This paragraph struck a chord.
People say you have a cute face. I agree, although I am biased. You have a cheeky grin that melts my heart and when you cling on to my hand as I feed you my heart overflows with love for you. You frustrate me too, when you will not nap during the day and you get upset and cry and cry and will not let me soothe you. Whatever we do you cry for most of the last hour before bed, but occasionally we can get a smile.
I know that we will look back with nothing but love and fondness for the small girl who has turned our world upside down. For now I just need to take a deep breath and tackle one thing at a time.
I have started this post a few times, once I even bashed out two paragraphs but I keep hitting the delete button.
It is not that I don't know what I want to say, it is just that I don't know where to start, or how to say it.
So I have 14 minutes until I need to make Kate's feed and I am just going to write. To try and get everything out of my brain and onto the page in the hope that it will empty the whirlwind that is my brain at the moment and give me a chance to get some rest. If the children let me that is.
Things are hard. My suspicions were correct and the doctor agrees that I have Postnatal Depression. Tablets have been prescribed and I am now just trying to come to terms with what this means and how I feel. How to tell people. I don't want to hide it from people but it is hard to admit. My mum, bless her wonderful soul, has been fabulous. I wish she was here to hold my hand through this but I will see her in a few weeks so I can look forward to that. She worries I know, and part of me wants to keep her from it as I know how frustrating it is when you live somewhere else and cannot help. She cheers me up instead with long rambling telephone calls in the middle of the day where we talk about everything and nothing.
My husband is an amazing man. He is here and helping and just getting me through each day. I love him for that. He works hard and still does his share when he gets home. I know how lucky I am.
The hardest thing by far this week is a sudden reluctance on Kate's part to be held when she feeds. She no longer wants to be cuddled up next to me to have her bottle. She will scream and scream and struggle instead. It is so horrible and frustrating and heartbreaking. She will drink lying in her chair, in the car seat, and lying flat on her back in the cot. I'm actually devastated about it. Why does she not want to be held? The only thing that has stopped this from tipping me over the edge is that she is the same with Mr C as well.
She is calming down otherwise though and if you take feeding out of the equation things are getting much easier. She loves to sit up on my lap, looking at me and having a conversation. She makes a 'huh' noise over and over which is her little laugh and smiles away.
I know it is a cliche but you really do forget what having a small baby is like. At least I know I have. I keep saying that Kate cries so much more than Piran ever did, and that I am finding it so much harder this time, then I went back and read the post I wrote to Piran when he turned three months old. This paragraph struck a chord.
People say you have a cute face. I agree, although I am biased. You have a cheeky grin that melts my heart and when you cling on to my hand as I feed you my heart overflows with love for you. You frustrate me too, when you will not nap during the day and you get upset and cry and cry and will not let me soothe you. Whatever we do you cry for most of the last hour before bed, but occasionally we can get a smile.
I know that we will look back with nothing but love and fondness for the small girl who has turned our world upside down. For now I just need to take a deep breath and tackle one thing at a time.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Snapshots
I am driving and both of the children are asleep. I am thinking of my doctor's appointment in a couple days time and trying to work out what I am going to say. I wonder if I am being silly, if these feelings are just normal and wonder why I suddenly feel that I am not coping. I wonder if I am making it all up.
Wednesday is a good day. We go shopping and bake cakes. I try to relax and embrace the mess. I play bat and ball with Piran in the garden. He is so cute and so funny and he makes me laugh so much. But the sound is odd to me, and I feel like there is a huge whole in my middle. I reassure myself with the fact that he doesn't know that; he is just having fun.
I rehearse over and over what I am going to say to the doctor. I dread her asking what I want, what I need as I don't know. Again and again I wonder if I am just making this up, if it is all just for attention. But then I realise that I cry when I am alone, and that doesn't get me any attention at all. Perhaps this is real.
I cry during my doctors appointment. I list all the things that I am worried about. That by 6 weeks after Pirab was born I felt in control, that this hasn't happened this time and that makes me worried. That I cry a lot. That I cannot sleep even when I am only getting a couple hours a night. That I am having anxiety attacks over the smallest things. That I get upset over the smallest things. That I am constantly worried. The doctor gives me a questionnaire and it is as if I wrote it myself. All of this things are there.
I drive home from the doctors. It seems that the floodgates have opened and now I have admitted something is wrong all of the emotions are free. Tears fill my eyes, making it seem like the car is full of water and the waves are lapping at my face. I blink to clear my eyes and tears run down my face. I hate crying in the car. I am grateful I am wearing sunglasses.
I have a good afternoon where I get a lot done. I feel fantastic and wonder if this whole things was an over reaction. Logically however I unerstand that this is the roller coaster that I am on at the moment. Highs and lows, good times and bad times. Just because I feel great now, doesn't mean that I will feel that way all the time.
I lie in the dark. I should be sleeping but I am thinking and worrying as usual. My mind skips from subject to subject. I fidget in my bed. I listen to Kate sleep. I worry if Piran should move to a bed. I am so afraid that I am not giving him the time and attention he needs. There are things I should teach him, but where do I find the time.
I go to see a good friend and she is so wonderful. She tells me that I am not alone, that she has been there and that she has come through the other side. I offload my worries about how we manage difficult behaviour from Piran and she gives me some great ideas. It helps me feel in control. I am so lucky to have friends like this.
I watch Piran playing with a Buzz Lightyear and a Woody toy that he has never seen before. He is enamoured with it and it makes me feel happy. I am trying to capture these moments, to try not to get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I miss these wonderful moments. He laughs when Woody talks to him. I laugh too.
Kate is very smiley. I sit her up on my lap and she does this thing where she gives a big sigh and makes a noise at the same time. It is almost like a laugh, and also sounds like ahe is saying "Hi". I copy her and she replies. We have our first conversation.
I am alone on Friday night with just Kate asleep in the house. I get my sewing machine out for the first time since she was born and finish a project that I really wanted to do. It is fun and soothing. It takes just the right amount of concentration that I don't have to think about how I feel, what I am going to do. I listen to interesting Radio 4 programmes and drink wine. For a moment I just feel like me.
Wednesday is a good day. We go shopping and bake cakes. I try to relax and embrace the mess. I play bat and ball with Piran in the garden. He is so cute and so funny and he makes me laugh so much. But the sound is odd to me, and I feel like there is a huge whole in my middle. I reassure myself with the fact that he doesn't know that; he is just having fun.
I rehearse over and over what I am going to say to the doctor. I dread her asking what I want, what I need as I don't know. Again and again I wonder if I am just making this up, if it is all just for attention. But then I realise that I cry when I am alone, and that doesn't get me any attention at all. Perhaps this is real.
I cry during my doctors appointment. I list all the things that I am worried about. That by 6 weeks after Pirab was born I felt in control, that this hasn't happened this time and that makes me worried. That I cry a lot. That I cannot sleep even when I am only getting a couple hours a night. That I am having anxiety attacks over the smallest things. That I get upset over the smallest things. That I am constantly worried. The doctor gives me a questionnaire and it is as if I wrote it myself. All of this things are there.
I drive home from the doctors. It seems that the floodgates have opened and now I have admitted something is wrong all of the emotions are free. Tears fill my eyes, making it seem like the car is full of water and the waves are lapping at my face. I blink to clear my eyes and tears run down my face. I hate crying in the car. I am grateful I am wearing sunglasses.
I have a good afternoon where I get a lot done. I feel fantastic and wonder if this whole things was an over reaction. Logically however I unerstand that this is the roller coaster that I am on at the moment. Highs and lows, good times and bad times. Just because I feel great now, doesn't mean that I will feel that way all the time.
I lie in the dark. I should be sleeping but I am thinking and worrying as usual. My mind skips from subject to subject. I fidget in my bed. I listen to Kate sleep. I worry if Piran should move to a bed. I am so afraid that I am not giving him the time and attention he needs. There are things I should teach him, but where do I find the time.
I go to see a good friend and she is so wonderful. She tells me that I am not alone, that she has been there and that she has come through the other side. I offload my worries about how we manage difficult behaviour from Piran and she gives me some great ideas. It helps me feel in control. I am so lucky to have friends like this.
I watch Piran playing with a Buzz Lightyear and a Woody toy that he has never seen before. He is enamoured with it and it makes me feel happy. I am trying to capture these moments, to try not to get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I miss these wonderful moments. He laughs when Woody talks to him. I laugh too.
Kate is very smiley. I sit her up on my lap and she does this thing where she gives a big sigh and makes a noise at the same time. It is almost like a laugh, and also sounds like ahe is saying "Hi". I copy her and she replies. We have our first conversation.
I am alone on Friday night with just Kate asleep in the house. I get my sewing machine out for the first time since she was born and finish a project that I really wanted to do. It is fun and soothing. It takes just the right amount of concentration that I don't have to think about how I feel, what I am going to do. I listen to interesting Radio 4 programmes and drink wine. For a moment I just feel like me.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I think I know the answer
I'm sat reading the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale questionnaire that I have been given by the doctor this morning.
My phone buzzes and it is Mr C telling me that he forgot to take his lunch to work this morning.
My heart sinks and I immediately feel guilty. He looked after the children for an hour and a half this morning so I could get some sleep as I'd only managed two hours overnight. He had too much to do. It's my fault he forgot his lunch.
My eyes return to the page and I read the next question
'I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong:
Yes, most of the time
Yes, some of the time
Not very often
No, never'
Ah.
My phone buzzes and it is Mr C telling me that he forgot to take his lunch to work this morning.
My heart sinks and I immediately feel guilty. He looked after the children for an hour and a half this morning so I could get some sleep as I'd only managed two hours overnight. He had too much to do. It's my fault he forgot his lunch.
My eyes return to the page and I read the next question
'I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong:
Yes, most of the time
Yes, some of the time
Not very often
No, never'
Ah.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
70 days
My baby girl is ten weeks old today.
I know it's a cliché but it's all going so fast.
Mind you it doesn't feel like that when she screams so hard she turns beetroot red.
I'm meant to be asleep but I wanted to acknowledge this milestone. I like to take a picture of her every Wednesday, to record the weeks passing by as I used to record my bump growing each week. I nearly missed it today and I have just snuck into our room and taken this.
Like her brother her skin is so pale when she sleeps. She is a defiant and sensitive soul and keeps me on my toes. The way I feel about her is complicated, utter devotion mixed into utter despair at times. But her smile pours liquid joy into my heart and I heard her voice for the first time today.
It was beautiful.
I know it's a cliché but it's all going so fast.
Mind you it doesn't feel like that when she screams so hard she turns beetroot red.
I'm meant to be asleep but I wanted to acknowledge this milestone. I like to take a picture of her every Wednesday, to record the weeks passing by as I used to record my bump growing each week. I nearly missed it today and I have just snuck into our room and taken this.
Like her brother her skin is so pale when she sleeps. She is a defiant and sensitive soul and keeps me on my toes. The way I feel about her is complicated, utter devotion mixed into utter despair at times. But her smile pours liquid joy into my heart and I heard her voice for the first time today.
It was beautiful.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Baby's got blue eyes
(and the most beautiful eyelashes)
I am still feeling fragile today so I have spent the day concentrating on Kate and getting her back into her routine. She is so much more alert these days and if she is awake she wants to be sat up and looking around. She has the most startling blue eyes. I know babies start out with eyes this colour but by now Piran's were a muddy blue, and hers are just gorgeous. I hope she keeps them, they suit her. I tried to capture them for prosperity today in case they change in the next few weeks.
I am still feeling fragile today so I have spent the day concentrating on Kate and getting her back into her routine. She is so much more alert these days and if she is awake she wants to be sat up and looking around. She has the most startling blue eyes. I know babies start out with eyes this colour but by now Piran's were a muddy blue, and hers are just gorgeous. I hope she keeps them, they suit her. I tried to capture them for prosperity today in case they change in the next few weeks.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The not so magic roundabout
Yesterday was our first trip away with two children. We had been invited to the wedding reception of my good friend Make Do Mum and I was so excited to see her on her wedding day. We looked at hotels but it was expensive and then Paul asked how close my Aunt lived and when I looked on the map it was only 15 miles away so I got my mum on the case and we arranged to stay with her.
Yesterday we packed everything except the kitchen sink into the car and off we went. We spent a lovely few hours with my cousins and their children and had a barbeque. We then went of to where we were staying, got settled in and all spiffed up and off we went. I agreed to drive there, Mr C was driving back so I could enjoy a drink or two.
Sadly, what we did not appreciate is that 14 miles to us is very, very different when you are in London. Yep, I am sure a lot of you will be shaking your heads and thinking what silly people but I just didn't get it. We were staying in Ruislip and the reception was near Putney. Oh my god. The cars, the traffic, the roads. We had the satnav on which was okay to begin with. We crawled along and I got more and more wound up. We hit the North Circular and the satnav was telling us one thing and the picture on the screen something different. I started getting more and more anxious. Thankfully we worked that out and went the right way.
Then we hit more traffic. The satnav permanently told us that we were 5 minutes away. Mr C was checking on his phone and it said we were two miles away. Kate woke up and started screaming, as I had perfectly timed our journey round her feeds thinking it would take us 30 minutes. It was already an hour since we left. I was having to make myself breathe properly, I was totally freaking out and I knew that a full blown anxiety attack was not far away.
We came up to a roundabout. The satnav said take the fourth exit. I checked the sign, counted the exits and worked out where we were going. We went round the roundabout and as we got to the THIRD exit the satnav said turn left. And my head EXPLODED. Kate was crying, I was in the wrong lane, there was loads of traffic queueing down the third exit that the satnav wanted me to go down and I just couldn't do it so I took the fourth exit.
And ended up on the M4 traveling in the wrong direction having the worst anxiety attack that I have had in the past ten years.
By the time we got somewhere we could turn around we had driven past miles of traffic queueing back the other way. Kate had stopped crying as we were moving and we just had to make the decision to give up and go back to where we were staying (taking an easy route via M4, M25 and M40 instead). In 20 minutes we were back where we started. We changed Piran and Kate into their pyjamas, gave them both milk and packed up the car. Within 30 minutes we were back in the car and headed home.
I was (and I still am) so very, very upset that I missed out on such a special day. In the past 15 years that I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety I have missed so many celebrations because I was too afraid to go. For once I was really looking forward to it, was all dressed up. I was getting to go out in the evening with my husband. I wanted to see Piran dance at the disco, and get a kiss from the gorgeous bridesmaid K. I wanted to show off Kate in all of her finery. I wanted to see my friends and do the leg dance to MC Hammer. I wanted to take beautiful photographs for my friend with Mr C's lovely camera. I wanted to share in their day and see a couple I have known for 11 years finally tie the knot.
Today I am very sad. I am suffering the effects of a very emotional day and of spending 5 hours in total in the car. I am worried about the fact that since having Kate my anxiety levels seem to get worse not better. We talked about that in the car on the way home. Mr C was worried that I have been depressed and that I wasn't telling him. I don't think that I am but I am worried about myself. I had agreed to go and talk to someone about the way I feel at the moment. I need to trust myself to know what is normal and what is not. I know that two babies is hard work, but I think it is more than that. But I am afraid that people will think I am not trying hard enough to cope. That everyone finds this to be this difficult and they just get on with it. That I am somehow being useless and pathetic and should just pull myself together.
I dressed Kate back up this morning and took her with me to do the shopping. Her Auntie A bought her this beautiful dress and she has almost grown out of it without wearing it. So today, I made myself make up for one thing I didn't get to do yesterday and I showed Kate off in all her finery. Who cares if it was just to random strangers in Tesco.
Yesterday we packed everything except the kitchen sink into the car and off we went. We spent a lovely few hours with my cousins and their children and had a barbeque. We then went of to where we were staying, got settled in and all spiffed up and off we went. I agreed to drive there, Mr C was driving back so I could enjoy a drink or two.
Sadly, what we did not appreciate is that 14 miles to us is very, very different when you are in London. Yep, I am sure a lot of you will be shaking your heads and thinking what silly people but I just didn't get it. We were staying in Ruislip and the reception was near Putney. Oh my god. The cars, the traffic, the roads. We had the satnav on which was okay to begin with. We crawled along and I got more and more wound up. We hit the North Circular and the satnav was telling us one thing and the picture on the screen something different. I started getting more and more anxious. Thankfully we worked that out and went the right way.
Then we hit more traffic. The satnav permanently told us that we were 5 minutes away. Mr C was checking on his phone and it said we were two miles away. Kate woke up and started screaming, as I had perfectly timed our journey round her feeds thinking it would take us 30 minutes. It was already an hour since we left. I was having to make myself breathe properly, I was totally freaking out and I knew that a full blown anxiety attack was not far away.
We came up to a roundabout. The satnav said take the fourth exit. I checked the sign, counted the exits and worked out where we were going. We went round the roundabout and as we got to the THIRD exit the satnav said turn left. And my head EXPLODED. Kate was crying, I was in the wrong lane, there was loads of traffic queueing down the third exit that the satnav wanted me to go down and I just couldn't do it so I took the fourth exit.
And ended up on the M4 traveling in the wrong direction having the worst anxiety attack that I have had in the past ten years.
By the time we got somewhere we could turn around we had driven past miles of traffic queueing back the other way. Kate had stopped crying as we were moving and we just had to make the decision to give up and go back to where we were staying (taking an easy route via M4, M25 and M40 instead). In 20 minutes we were back where we started. We changed Piran and Kate into their pyjamas, gave them both milk and packed up the car. Within 30 minutes we were back in the car and headed home.
I was (and I still am) so very, very upset that I missed out on such a special day. In the past 15 years that I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety I have missed so many celebrations because I was too afraid to go. For once I was really looking forward to it, was all dressed up. I was getting to go out in the evening with my husband. I wanted to see Piran dance at the disco, and get a kiss from the gorgeous bridesmaid K. I wanted to show off Kate in all of her finery. I wanted to see my friends and do the leg dance to MC Hammer. I wanted to take beautiful photographs for my friend with Mr C's lovely camera. I wanted to share in their day and see a couple I have known for 11 years finally tie the knot.
Today I am very sad. I am suffering the effects of a very emotional day and of spending 5 hours in total in the car. I am worried about the fact that since having Kate my anxiety levels seem to get worse not better. We talked about that in the car on the way home. Mr C was worried that I have been depressed and that I wasn't telling him. I don't think that I am but I am worried about myself. I had agreed to go and talk to someone about the way I feel at the moment. I need to trust myself to know what is normal and what is not. I know that two babies is hard work, but I think it is more than that. But I am afraid that people will think I am not trying hard enough to cope. That everyone finds this to be this difficult and they just get on with it. That I am somehow being useless and pathetic and should just pull myself together.
I dressed Kate back up this morning and took her with me to do the shopping. Her Auntie A bought her this beautiful dress and she has almost grown out of it without wearing it. So today, I made myself make up for one thing I didn't get to do yesterday and I showed Kate off in all her finery. Who cares if it was just to random strangers in Tesco.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
A magical moment
I will make no bones about the fact that I am struggling a little at the moment. I went into this whole two children thing with my eyes open. I knew and understood that it would be hard. Most people told me that afterward I will not remember the first year, that it is like a fog, that you just have to get from one day to the next and eventually it gets easier.
At the moment I am constantly reminded of the scene in The Back Up plan where a dad is explaining what fatherhood is like to Stan.
Stan: What's it like, the whole kid thing?
Playground Dad: The best way I can describe it is, it's awful awful awful awful, and then, something incredible happens, and then awful awful awful awful awful. And then a small moment happens that's so ... so magical, so life affirming that it makes it all worthwhile.
And I can't help but agree. I think that I would replace the word awful with hard but that's it in a nutshell.
I think the trick to surviving is ensuring that you don't get so bogged down by the being hard part that you miss those magical moments. Which is why Josie's prompt for the Writing Workshop this fortnight was so perfect for me.
What made you feel alive today? What made today mean something?
Write about a moment, a thought, something you did, something that happened to you, something somebody said to you, that made you stop for a moment. It doesn’t have to big or impressive, just one thing that left you different because of it. Something that felt significant, beautiful, or that just made you feel something. It doesn’t have to have made you feel good, not all days bring us that, but it needs to have touched you.
Try and capture it andt in it down with the words you use.
You look at me through those big brown eyes. Your tear stained face has a sad expression and you raise your arms limply in the air and quietly say "Cuddle". It is new, this week, you actually accompanying the gesture with the word and I have to remember to appreciate that. Too often you ask when I am unable to comply, when feeding your sister and it is easy to get frustrated.
I pick you up and slide you up my body as I lean back in the armchair, relishing your weight. You feel so big and whole to me these days. You are long and gangly and your limbs are strong. Where did my baby go? I tell you that I love you and that I am sorry that we fell out. For once you are still, sniffling slightly into my hair for a minute or so.
The baby is in her seat in front of us and starts to whine. It makes you wriggle in my lap so I swing you round so you are sat upright with your legs dangling off mine and I start to rock her chair. You are clutching your Bubba rabbit in one hand and you point at the dummy is Kate's lap and make an urgent sound indicating that you think she wants it.
I give her the dummy as I am told and immediately you request other things. First your juice, then 'wack-wack' for the rubber duck sat on the table. Kate is still fussy and I ask you to sing her a song. As usual you just look at me so I start to sing Three Little Ducks as I rock her chair and you sit on my lap. As I watch Kate's eyes close I feel the need to remember this moment with my two children. Today has been a hard day so far and I need to make the most of these calm parts of our day so that they can give me the strength to get through to the next one. You shout "TRACTOR" and wriggle off my lap, breaking the spell, and waking your sister again.
It was a simple moment, unremarkable to anyone else I'm sure, but magical for me.
At the moment I am constantly reminded of the scene in The Back Up plan where a dad is explaining what fatherhood is like to Stan.
Stan: What's it like, the whole kid thing?
Playground Dad: The best way I can describe it is, it's awful awful awful awful, and then, something incredible happens, and then awful awful awful awful awful. And then a small moment happens that's so ... so magical, so life affirming that it makes it all worthwhile.
And I can't help but agree. I think that I would replace the word awful with hard but that's it in a nutshell.
I think the trick to surviving is ensuring that you don't get so bogged down by the being hard part that you miss those magical moments. Which is why Josie's prompt for the Writing Workshop this fortnight was so perfect for me.
What made you feel alive today? What made today mean something?
Write about a moment, a thought, something you did, something that happened to you, something somebody said to you, that made you stop for a moment. It doesn’t have to big or impressive, just one thing that left you different because of it. Something that felt significant, beautiful, or that just made you feel something. It doesn’t have to have made you feel good, not all days bring us that, but it needs to have touched you.
Try and capture it andt in it down with the words you use.
You look at me through those big brown eyes. Your tear stained face has a sad expression and you raise your arms limply in the air and quietly say "Cuddle". It is new, this week, you actually accompanying the gesture with the word and I have to remember to appreciate that. Too often you ask when I am unable to comply, when feeding your sister and it is easy to get frustrated.
I pick you up and slide you up my body as I lean back in the armchair, relishing your weight. You feel so big and whole to me these days. You are long and gangly and your limbs are strong. Where did my baby go? I tell you that I love you and that I am sorry that we fell out. For once you are still, sniffling slightly into my hair for a minute or so.
The baby is in her seat in front of us and starts to whine. It makes you wriggle in my lap so I swing you round so you are sat upright with your legs dangling off mine and I start to rock her chair. You are clutching your Bubba rabbit in one hand and you point at the dummy is Kate's lap and make an urgent sound indicating that you think she wants it.
I give her the dummy as I am told and immediately you request other things. First your juice, then 'wack-wack' for the rubber duck sat on the table. Kate is still fussy and I ask you to sing her a song. As usual you just look at me so I start to sing Three Little Ducks as I rock her chair and you sit on my lap. As I watch Kate's eyes close I feel the need to remember this moment with my two children. Today has been a hard day so far and I need to make the most of these calm parts of our day so that they can give me the strength to get through to the next one. You shout "TRACTOR" and wriggle off my lap, breaking the spell, and waking your sister again.
It was a simple moment, unremarkable to anyone else I'm sure, but magical for me.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
The Gallery: Grandparents
My dad came to meet Kate last weekend so this week's Gallery theme is perfect for me. We had a lovely weekend, if all to short. Piran had an amazing time, having two new people to play with all the time and Kate was her usual gorgeous self and won everyone over with those big beautiful eyes. So from their perspective:
Grandparents are the best because:
They hold your hand
They swing you up high.
They catch you.
They make you mini ice creams from the bottom of their cone.
They sit you on their lap.
They give you amazing cuddles.
And they hold you up high to see the world.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Saturday, July 02, 2011
From the archives: Finding the silver lining
There are posts in my archives that mean a lot to me that may not have been seen by quite a few of my readers. So, for a short while, during these crazy new baby days when I don't have the time to blog as much as I would need or like I thought that I would share some posts from the past, in a 'From the archives' series. As much for my own enjoyment as well as, I hope, yours.
The past few weeks have been manic and as you can see from my post yesterday I am getting so anxious and caught up in all the detail again. This never does me good and I forget to stop and not think and just relax. I can often feel out of control and this post was written to remind me that I have the power to change those feelings and that I am in charge of my own well being. Finding the silver lining was written almost a year ago, and I needed to remember this lesson again.
A couple things have happened over the past few days that have really made me stop and think. Small things, like an advert for Cancer Research staying with me for a long time after I saw it. Being out with friends and being reminded how lucky we both are that we have very good, well paid jobs. Watching television and seeing a story of a woman with cancer who was simply amazing, her beauty and strength and soul just blew me away. These things made me cry, made me stop and take a breath and really think about my life and how I live it.
I am incredibly lucky. I have everything anyone could need to live. I own my own home, I have a husband who loves, supports and respects me. I have a beautiful baby boy who amazes me every day. We have a large family, and all of us are fit and well. We have jobs, and friends. We can do what we want, when we want.
Despite how lucky I am these basic truths just seem to get over looked in our day to day lives. The smallest things happen and I get anxious or worried or tense and I lose the perspective I have gained. On Sunday night I talked to my husband about all this in bed and we each decided what one thing had made us the happiest that day. We told each other that we loved them and we thanked the universe for everything we have.
Monday morning, when I was running late for work, and couldn't find any clothes that were smart enough for work that fit me I could feel it slipping. As I ran about the house, trying to organise Piran and myself with wet hair sticking in all directions, five different outfits littering the bed I felt so stressed out that all of that feeling had gone. I snapped at my lovely husband and wondered if I could get away with Mr C passing Piran off to his mum for babysitting duties.
All of a sudden I stopped. It came back to me, how lucky I am. That I should never take anything for granted. So I went downstairs and scooped my baby boy off the floor and gave him a great big bear hug. I stuck my head in his neck and took one last big breath of him before kissing him three times. I made every second count. I stood at the door and waved him off, and then hugged and kissed by husband before I went back upstairs to continue to get ready.
These are the things that I promise to try to do:
I will take responsibility for myself and how I feel.
I will make the most of my life.
I will be grateful for the things I have.
I will remember how lucky I am.
I will list my blessings.
I will not regret the past, or worry about the future.
I will be present.
I will enjoy today.
I will see problems as opportunity for change.
I will find the silver lining.
The past few weeks have been manic and as you can see from my post yesterday I am getting so anxious and caught up in all the detail again. This never does me good and I forget to stop and not think and just relax. I can often feel out of control and this post was written to remind me that I have the power to change those feelings and that I am in charge of my own well being. Finding the silver lining was written almost a year ago, and I needed to remember this lesson again.
A couple things have happened over the past few days that have really made me stop and think. Small things, like an advert for Cancer Research staying with me for a long time after I saw it. Being out with friends and being reminded how lucky we both are that we have very good, well paid jobs. Watching television and seeing a story of a woman with cancer who was simply amazing, her beauty and strength and soul just blew me away. These things made me cry, made me stop and take a breath and really think about my life and how I live it.
I am incredibly lucky. I have everything anyone could need to live. I own my own home, I have a husband who loves, supports and respects me. I have a beautiful baby boy who amazes me every day. We have a large family, and all of us are fit and well. We have jobs, and friends. We can do what we want, when we want.
Despite how lucky I am these basic truths just seem to get over looked in our day to day lives. The smallest things happen and I get anxious or worried or tense and I lose the perspective I have gained. On Sunday night I talked to my husband about all this in bed and we each decided what one thing had made us the happiest that day. We told each other that we loved them and we thanked the universe for everything we have.
Monday morning, when I was running late for work, and couldn't find any clothes that were smart enough for work that fit me I could feel it slipping. As I ran about the house, trying to organise Piran and myself with wet hair sticking in all directions, five different outfits littering the bed I felt so stressed out that all of that feeling had gone. I snapped at my lovely husband and wondered if I could get away with Mr C passing Piran off to his mum for babysitting duties.
All of a sudden I stopped. It came back to me, how lucky I am. That I should never take anything for granted. So I went downstairs and scooped my baby boy off the floor and gave him a great big bear hug. I stuck my head in his neck and took one last big breath of him before kissing him three times. I made every second count. I stood at the door and waved him off, and then hugged and kissed by husband before I went back upstairs to continue to get ready.
These are the things that I promise to try to do:
I will take responsibility for myself and how I feel.
I will make the most of my life.
I will be grateful for the things I have.
I will remember how lucky I am.
I will list my blessings.
I will not regret the past, or worry about the future.
I will be present.
I will enjoy today.
I will see problems as opportunity for change.
I will find the silver lining.
Friday, July 01, 2011
Those familiar feelings
This morning I woke up with pains in my tummy and a more than familiar feeling in my chest of not being able to breathe fully. Like something is juts resting on my ribs. I know this only to well, the vague and constant unease, the inability to settle to anything. The beginning of a full blown anxiety attack.
It has been a while but that does not mean that it doesn't scare me anymore. If anything it is the opposite.
I should have seen the signs really. The constant feeling that I am never up to date, never on top of everything. Putting unrealistic pressures upon myself even though rationally I know that I only had a baby eight weeks ago, that these first weeks have not been plain sailing and that we are all suffering for it and should all be good and kind to ourselves.
The worst part of this is the constant stream of worries and thoughts that run through my brain, stopping me from shutting down and sleeping while I can. I crave routine like a junkie craves their next fix and we just haven't got there yet and it is literally sending me crazy.
Today I have to take Piran to nursery for 11.15 and stay with him until 1pm while he does his sponsored 'Toddle' around the garden and has a picnic. Obviously I have to take Kate with me. I was on tenderhooks all night to see what time she would wake, when she would feed. Then mentally counting forward the hour until the time we have to be out. Millions of things going through my head, calculations and questions...
... so if she eats at 5 the next will be 8 then 11 but sometimes she will go 4 hours between one of those so maybe 12 but i will still be at nursery then so I am going to have to feed her while we are there which I just really do not want to do because we will be outside in the garden and I might not be able to find somewhere to sit and I don't think that I will be allowed to go inside as I have to be with Piran all the time as he is not meant to be at nursery at that time so they will not have the staff required to look after another person and what if she cries and cries and is fussy and it takes an hour to feed her. So if I can get her to feed at 10 then she will not need another until I am back from nursery but that means I have to feed her at 7 which is only 2 hours after this feed and she will be fussy and fed up if I try to feed her like I am trying to fatten her up. And we haven't done Piran's dinner and when will Piran sleep because I need him to have a nap and we have to go out at nap time so should I try and get him to nap before we leave or shall I just not bother. What if we leave early and drive around he can sleep in the car but that is no good because then I wouldn't be feeding Kate at 10 which I really need to do....."
...and on and on and on until I am so wound up and anxious that I cannot think straight.
Thankfully it was an early start around here so Mr C helped out and did some jobs, and looked after small people while I did some jobs so that everything is ready for my Dad's visit this weekend and I feel much better.
In the end Kate wanted milk at 7 and I will feed her again now. Piran happily went for a nap at 9 because he was up early. I wrote this post to make me feel a bit better. Not sure if it worked yet. Is it any wonder I am exhausted by tea time?
It has been a while but that does not mean that it doesn't scare me anymore. If anything it is the opposite.
I should have seen the signs really. The constant feeling that I am never up to date, never on top of everything. Putting unrealistic pressures upon myself even though rationally I know that I only had a baby eight weeks ago, that these first weeks have not been plain sailing and that we are all suffering for it and should all be good and kind to ourselves.
The worst part of this is the constant stream of worries and thoughts that run through my brain, stopping me from shutting down and sleeping while I can. I crave routine like a junkie craves their next fix and we just haven't got there yet and it is literally sending me crazy.
Today I have to take Piran to nursery for 11.15 and stay with him until 1pm while he does his sponsored 'Toddle' around the garden and has a picnic. Obviously I have to take Kate with me. I was on tenderhooks all night to see what time she would wake, when she would feed. Then mentally counting forward the hour until the time we have to be out. Millions of things going through my head, calculations and questions...
... so if she eats at 5 the next will be 8 then 11 but sometimes she will go 4 hours between one of those so maybe 12 but i will still be at nursery then so I am going to have to feed her while we are there which I just really do not want to do because we will be outside in the garden and I might not be able to find somewhere to sit and I don't think that I will be allowed to go inside as I have to be with Piran all the time as he is not meant to be at nursery at that time so they will not have the staff required to look after another person and what if she cries and cries and is fussy and it takes an hour to feed her. So if I can get her to feed at 10 then she will not need another until I am back from nursery but that means I have to feed her at 7 which is only 2 hours after this feed and she will be fussy and fed up if I try to feed her like I am trying to fatten her up. And we haven't done Piran's dinner and when will Piran sleep because I need him to have a nap and we have to go out at nap time so should I try and get him to nap before we leave or shall I just not bother. What if we leave early and drive around he can sleep in the car but that is no good because then I wouldn't be feeding Kate at 10 which I really need to do....."
...and on and on and on until I am so wound up and anxious that I cannot think straight.
Thankfully it was an early start around here so Mr C helped out and did some jobs, and looked after small people while I did some jobs so that everything is ready for my Dad's visit this weekend and I feel much better.
In the end Kate wanted milk at 7 and I will feed her again now. Piran happily went for a nap at 9 because he was up early. I wrote this post to make me feel a bit better. Not sure if it worked yet. Is it any wonder I am exhausted by tea time?
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