A month of Sundays - April

Swapping

A while ago I wrote a post about all of the things that I had been making recently.

I know my limits however and there are some things that I am not that good at. Knitting is one. I have taught myself to crochet but it's a process and I am still progressing.

So, my cunning plan is now swapping!

Firstly, I made a handy crochet hook roll for @treblecrochet.

And she in turn sent me the most amazing baby blanket for Thumper. It is so wonderfully soft, brilliant colours, not too pink and just so sweet with the 'Aloha' and the crochet flowers.

Then I asked the very lovely MummyLimited to knit Thumper a little cardigan because I really wanted something sweet and special for her, and I wanted it to look good. If anyone saw my attempt at knitting a baby blanket for Piran they would understand. I spent an evening sewing up the holes to make that look presentable!

Isn't it just gorgeous? I can't wait to have a picture of the baby wearing it. For now I can just hold it up against the bump.

In return I stuck to my strengths and made her a blanket / playmat for her baby due in a month. Gorgeous owl fabric on one side, fleece on the other. Turns out it was exactly what she needed which made it even more wonderful.

It was great to make things for people that I knew would love and appreciate them, and also great to get something really special in return. Thumper is a very lucky baby with lots of lovely things.

Waiting

Well, after thinking that I have been pregnant forever I am still surprised that this weekend is here. The baby is due. Now, after last time I know that a whoever decided to call it a due date was a bloody annoying idiot because let's be honest chances are you will still be pregnant the day after (or in my case last time, 14 days after!)

I feel different this time. I am resigned to a wait. I am happy to wait a little longer. I know that by the middle of May at the latest she will be here and we will move on to the next stage of our life. I am trying to stay serene and calm as I think that will help her come in her own time.

I did think however that when I did this for a second time I would know what was happening. Last time every twinge I had kept me awake at night. I would google 'what does a contraction feel like'.

I still don't know. Because of the induction last time where I didn't have a contraction until I was put on a Syntocinon drip and then everything kicked off hard and fast, I don't know what to expect at the beginning. I wish I did, it would make this even easier.

Tales of quick labours second time round scare me, mostly because we didn't do the trip to the hospital thing last time. I know it worries Mr C. We live 30 minutes from the hospital and I can't imagine what it will be like being in a car, in pain while he drives. Poor man, I don't think I would want to do it.

The thought of another induction is not really an attractive one, but it has its pros and cons. We would already be at the hospital to start with, so that scary journey would not be a problem. Last time it took three and a half days to start my labour and I don't want to be in hospital and away from Piran that much this time. Mr C couldn't stay with me like he did last time as Piran would need one of us around. What if it all happened quickly and he didn't get there in time?

Because of Piran's size last time (10lb 2oz) they have made me an appointment to discuss options / early induction when I am 5 days overdue, a week today. I don't know how I feel about it, what I want. I turned down a sweep yesterday. I was sore and achy and couldn't face walking back to the car after having that done to me. Last time it just hurt and all they said was that my cervix was tightly closed and up in the gods. I didn't want to hear that this time. I would rather not know, it is less pressure.

I have reached the point where I am unable to mention that I ache or hurt or had a twinge because we then get a call a couple hours later to see if it has turned into anything. If people would just back off, not ask and leave us alone this end bit would be easier I think. I don't feel that I can call my mum just to chat because she will get excited that something is happening.

Oh I know that the best thing that I can do is put all of this out of my mind and just enjoy the last few days as a family of three. Mr C is now off work for an entire month, Piran is fun and engaging and just brilliant to be around and we should do our best to enjoy him while we have the time and energy. Mind you, he refused to sleep anywhere than in our bed last night, so I ended up in the spare room. Charming!

The Gallery: Green

We moved into this house just over four years ago. It is the first house that we have owned and we love it so much. Mr C in particular loves the garden but when we first moved in it was very different to what it looks like today.

The only thing that remains is my Pom-Pom tree. I don't know the real name for it. Every year someone suggests we cut it down or do something else with it but I refuse. That tree flowered as we moved into this house four years ago and each subsequent time it reminds me of how far we have come, how much we have done, what has changed in our life since the first time it flowered and the last time it flowered.

It starts off with little green buds, then they open and the green flowers appear.

In a matter of days they turn to pale green then white as they open up into all of their wonderful pom-pom glory.

Sadly, it never lasts long and usually we get a blustery days when the flowers come out and all of a sudden we have a petal confetti strewn lawn and it is over for another year.

Oh, but it is so beautiful while it lasts.

If anyone knows what type of tree this actually is I would love to know!

Dear Thumper

Hello. I am your mum and I am the one that you have been living and growing inside for the past nine months. I'm the one that chats to you and strokes you through my belly and pokes you occasionally into a different position. Sorry about that but we gave you the nickname Thumper for a reason. You are a very kicky, wriggly baby in there.

I am writing you this letter 5 days before the date that you are 'due' to arrive. I wrote a similar letter to your brother (I will tell you more about him shortly) the day before he was 'due' and we had to wait another 15 days for him to arrive. I don't think that you will be in a rush either, but part of me felt that today was the day to write this. I want to be sure that I capture how I feel now, before we meet you. You will come when you are ready I know that. I think that I am ready now.

So, what can I tell you. Well, everything is ready for your arrival. You have a bed to sleep in, a seat to rest in. You have soft small clothes to wrap you up in and some of them are very sweet indeed. We have chosen your name. It caused us a few headaches and lots of conversations but we have found ourselves back at the beginning, with the name we always wanted for a girl. I love it, I hope you will too.

There are lots of people who are excited to meet you. Your Daddy for certain. He is a soft touch and I am sure that you will have him wound around your little finger in no time. You have a brother, Piran, who keeps us busy at the moment. He is a kind and wonderful little boy and I cannot wait for the moment that you meet each other. Try to be nice to him occasionally as you grow up, I had a brother and I know that they can be hard work but I hope you love each other very much. He is pretty amazing I promise.

Things that you should know. We will always love you with all our hearts. Mum always knows best. If we tell you that you cannot do something it is for your own good. I will always be here for you, no matter what. There is nothing that you can do to stop me loving you. I will teach you to read and cook and sew and dance and create things. Your Dad is in charge of anything sport or gardening related.

You have a large family in Cornwall who are loud and crazy and wonderfully overwhelming. You will meet them as soon as we can manage. You have a quiet, reserved family that live round the corner. Nanny and Grandad and Auntie Alison will be around a lot. They will spoil you rotten.

Stay safe and warm in my belly for as long as you need but know that we are all here, waiting to meet and love and cuddle you. However and whenever you get here I promise to look after you as well as I have up until now. We have made space in our house and our hearts for you, our gorgeous girl. Whenever you are ready my love.

Mum and Dad

Some thoughts on Sunday

I love Silent Sunday. As I was posting my photo this week I realised that I have done it every Sunday for the past 23 Sundays. Not bad at all. Then I realised that when we get to 26 Sundays then that will be six months. Where does the time go?

From the beginning I have really enjoyed doing it my way. I know that the idea is a photo taken by you during the past week but I decided to always use a photo taken on the Sunday in question, so that I would have a record of what I was doing. I have really enjoyed that part of it. I have never included words or even an explanatory title, I loved just numbering them and taking a snapshot of our lives.

My thoughts were meandering away when I was in the shower earlier (I always do the best of my thinking in the shower) and I thought it would be nice to collect all the pictures up together, but that would be a huge post, so instead I have decided that I will do a series of posts called 'A month of Sundays'. I am going to go back and publish all the previous ones and then continue to do it in the future.

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful long weekend with friends and family. We had a fabulous day yesterday with Heather and her family, Piran had a great time playing with the twins in the garden, sharing lunch together and playing in the mud!

It was so hot. The rest of this weekend for us will be pottering around the house I think. I am finding that the weather is draining me of energy and at 39 weeks pregnant I didn't have a lot of that anyway. My feet and hands have swollen to gigantic proportions and everything is just that much harder. I even said to Mr C today that I really hope the baby doesn't come just yet as I don't feel like I have the energy for labour!

Happy Easter to those of you that celebrate it. Happy beautiful spring bank holiday weekend to the rest of you.

Silent Sunday #23

Operation Nest - the end

I am so pleased with what I managed to do with Piran's room. It is such an improvement on before. He seems to like it, particularly his books and I am very fond of it too. I can't wait until I am physically able to sit on the floor in his book nook and read together. For now I just have to sit on the toybox!

 I just chose a plain lightshade, I plan on making some birds to perch on it when I have the time.

 Nothing changed in this corner, except a little squirrel scurrying across the top of the cot.

 All of the stuffed toys now live in the toybox, except the singing Bagpuss mice, because they are my favourite and Piran likes to dance to them.

 I couldn't find any bookends that I liked that were in my price range. So I bought these two lovely doorstops from Hunkydory Home instead. 

 I want one more picture for this wall but haven't seen anything I like enough yet.

 The Book Nook. With beanbag chair and two big squishy cushions that I made. I appliqued the trees from the fabric I used to cover the cupboard door onto cream cord and backed with green fabric. The giraffe picture on the shelf was drawn for Piran by my Dad.

 I took ages deciding what bookcase to have. It is very tight for space and I love the Tidy Books bookcases but just couldn't justify the price. Instead I bought 5 Ribba picture shelves from Ikea and made our own. The pictures at the top are Penguin bookcover postcards.

 Opposite the bookcase is a wall sticker called The Poem Tree. Suggested by Littlestuff, I really love it and Piran keeps pointing at it when we go in there so I think he is a fan too.

 It is so hard to photograph this due to the size of the room but this is just a curtain that covers the odd cupboard. Fabric from Ikea. I want a picture for the wall by the door as well but I am waiting until I find something special.

 Same thing, different angle. You can see the little book corner too.

Finally the window blind from Living Funky, as suggested by Kat. I am pleased with my fabric choice, although the less said about putting it up on the wall the better.

And now we are done. Our room has been rearranged a little, the rest of the cupboards in the house organised and all of the things we don't really need right now have been put in the loft. I have stocked the freezer with food and tidied up my blog. I have two more posts I want to write and then the baby can arrive at any time. 

All of this means I will probably be 2 weeks overdue again!

The Gallery: My Blog

This blog has made my life so much richer and happier over the past two years. I have been blogging a lot longer than that, but since becoming a mum it has become something special and important. A record of daily life for my family, of how I have gone from single to a married mum with (nearly) two children. I can be me here, I don't lie, I don't hide. It is no longer just about me and my thoughts. I wonder occasionally if the title still fits. I am no longer on my own.

But writing my blog is still that quiet solitude that I love so much and long for these days. Just me, in front of a keyboard, clearing my mind.
It is my modern day equivalent of a long walk along a sandy beach, alone with my thoughts, not another person in sight.

What do you do with two children?

Another Monday, another week of maternity leave. I can't believe this is my third week already, the time is flying by.

I feel a bit better today, mostly due to an extremely productive morning yesterday which saw us finish nearly all of the things that were on my pre baby arrival to do list. All I have left is a big shop and cook off to fill the newly defrosted freezer and I will be happy for the baby to come as soon as she likes.

I am trying to be more positive and that is where you come in.

You wonderful people are the best out there at getting me through and giving super fabulous advice and that is what I am after today. Practical tips, warnings, alcohol recommendations*...

What are your top tips for life with two (or more) children?

*obviously I am not going to drink when in sole charge of two children, just in those rare moments they are both asleep right?

Silent Sunday #22

Love and laughter

Hormones are definitely the root of all evil at the moment. The past week has just been so hard and the smallest thing can set me off. Big things too. I don't blog about family so I won't go into details and I tend not to tweet about them either unless it is funny or I just can't keep it in. I don't know who reads this, but it wouldn't be hard to find and I just couldn't bear it if my words upset someone.

Stupid I know, particularly as I am the one that is currently upset.

Something has snapped in me in the past 24 hours and I am currently prone to bouts of weeping as soon as something is vaguely difficult or doesn't go my way. Piran is wandering round looking bewildered wondering what is wrong with Mummy and Mr C is just trying to get through the day without making it any worse, or having a plug thrown at his head (that happened last time I was pregnant, and has become an unofficial bench mark to how bad things can get. It was close yesterday, although it would have been his Blackberry this time).

I keep digging deep, finding some reserves, fixing a smile on my face and finding that positive attitude. Then losing it all again over the smallest little thing. It is frustrating. I hate who I am when I am like this.

This evening I was sat on the sofa under the quilt I made for Thumper. I was stroking the soft flannel and wondering what she will look like lying on it. Piran came over and lifted the corner of the quilt asking to come and sit next to me. I was given a kiss and a cuddle and we were mucking around when Mr C started taking pictures. I have seen them all, deleted some, moaned about my hair and my chins. Then I saw this and I know that even in my darkest hardest moments I have love and laughter at the end of my tickley finger tips.

That is enough to get me through.

Here and now

I won't apologise for the fact that this isn't a shiny happy post. It is how I feel right now and this blog is me. But I am writing this bit at the top, now I have reached the bottom just to give you a heads up.

I feel the need to blog.
I have no idea what to write about.
Everything feels so strange at the moment.
Emotionally I am all over the place.
It is sad but I don't feel excited about the baby any more.
That has been lost, overwhelmed and overtaken by an undercurrent of panic.
It is like I am unable to take a deep breath, if I do I will feel too much.
I don't feel ready for this baby.
For how hard it is to look after a newborn.
I find it hard enough to look after Piran at the moment.
After being on the left for weeks she has switched to the right.
I cannot help feeling I did something wrong.The closer I get to the birth of this baby the more I worry.
It is going to hurt and I am not good with pain.
I haven't prepared properly, I am not ready for it to happen.
I am scared of Piran seeing me in pain.
I have low level anxiety about so many things, labour, breastfeeding, induction, how Piran will react.
I want my body back.
I want to lie down and be comfortable.
I want to be physically able to do the things that Piran needs me to.
I want to be able to cuddle my husband in bed.
I want to be able to lie on my back.
I want to be able to eat and drink anything I like.

I am afraid.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to me.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to my baby.
I know that I am being silly but I can't switch this off.
I have written things down for Mr C to make me feel better.
The daily routine, what Piran needs on each day of the week, what I do, when things happen.
It didn't really help.

Where is the positivity?
Where is my hope?
Where is my happiness?

I don't want this all to happen.
I want it to happen now.
I am no good at waiting.
I want to rip it off like a plaster, get started now.
Don't put off until tomorrow and all that.
Except that isn't my choice.
The baby will come when she is ready.
The baby will come when I am ready.
I expect all of this above will mean that we have to wait a long time again.

What will she be like?
Will she be a female Piran or completely different?
Will she be big or small, short or tall?
Will she be beautiful, happy, hard work, easy, contented, colicky, restless, a sleeper?
Will I love her immediately?
If I don't will we bond in the end like I did with Piran?
If we do will I feel guilty because it wasn't like that with Piran?
Will she have blue eyes like her Dad or brown eyes like me and her brother?
Will she love her brother, will he love her?

I know some things for certain.
We are good parents with plenty of love to give.
We will survive this together.
There are many people in our lives that love us, and will love this new addition to our family.
We have a roof over our head, clothes for ourselves and our children, plenty of food for everyone.
I have the best husband any one could have.
He understands me, what I need, when I need it.
Somedays better than I understand myself.
Tomorrow will come, and we will cope with everything that comes to us.
New baby cuddles will definitely help.

Packing

Yesterday officially marked 37 weeks. I am happy to have reached this point and have had a quick discussion with Thumper and told her that if she feels like coming then she is more than welcome. I am holding out zero hope of that happening though as I haven't had so much as a twinge or a braxton hicks contraction. Last time I waited another five weeks to meet my baby so there is very little point getting my hopes up.

It doesn't stop other people though. Mr C starting asking daily when I was going to pack for the hospital so I have treated myself to a new bag (I realised I had been using my old one for sixteen years, half my life! So it definitely wouldn't hurt to get myself a nice one). Since it has appeared in the bedroom Mr C has chilled out but my MIL told me off yesterday for not packing yet. What do they think is going to happen? The baby is going to come in under an hour so I won't have time to finish popping things in a bag?

Anyway, today is one of my days home alone so I have decided to get on with it and then hopefully I will get some peace. I went back to this post about my Hospital Bag I wrote in June two years ago which listed everything that I was packing and taking. The best laid plans and all that, what I took and what I needed were two different things but I was expecting labour, possible stay in hospital, home with baby. I was not prepared for 4 day induction, short labour, five days in hospital. So I am really confused about what I might or might not need. Plus Piran was is SCBU so they did a lot of looking after him at the beginning so what we need and what we don't need is all mixed up in my brain.

Two bags are the way forward I reckon - one for labour, one for a hospital stay, be it before or after the birth. Stop thinking about last time and start preparing for this like it is my first time all over again. Keep it all in perspective - the hospital has a shop, it is in a town with supermarkets and bigger shops and if we need anything long term we can get it from home.

One thing I have been thinking about though is a present from the baby for Piran. He helped me choose a little soft rabbit for Thumper which will be his present to her. I want to get something from her for him but I can't decide what to get and also when to exchange presents. Would it be better to wait until we are all home together? Please let me know your thoughts, or what you did if you have done something similar.

Silent Sunday #21

Operation Nest - the beginning

I may have mentioned it before but I have been plagued with a vague feeling of guilt that Thumper will not be getting a nursery straight away. By now Piran's was almost finished and it was lovely to spend time dreaming about him and what he would be like as I made a place for him in our house and our lives.

At the moment, our third bedroom is the spare room / sewing room / washing and ironing / dumping ground for things. Basically everything that doesn't have a home ends up in there. If we change it to a bedroom for Thumper then we lose a lot of useful space and so we will put that off until later in the year as it doesn't make sense considering she will be in with us for months.

This fact has left me with an excess of nesting instinct and a need to channel it somewhere. I am slowly organising the house, the key being that everything we own needs a place, and once it has a place keeping things organised and tidy is much easier. That's my delusion and I am sticking to it anyway!

I needed a big project though so I am turning my attention to Piran's room. Before he was born I put everything together and then we received gifts and things to go in the room and now looking at it there is no coherent design or anything and well it bugs me. He is getting older and I want it to be a place that he wants to spend time in and play and read and it can be somewhere that he can get away from the baby if he wants to!

So I thought I would share the before pictures with you and then update it as we go along. It is a small room, which is a funny L shape and hard to photograph but hopefully you will get the idea.

I am calling this Operation Nest.

From outside the room. The cot is on the left behind the door.

This is the corner L part. The chair will move into our room for night feeds and I plan on turning this corner into somewhere comfy to read books.

I made the bird mobile and my mum made the quilt on the wall. Those will be staying. The random soft toys need a better home I think.

I love the two pieces on the wall - a framed Dr Seuss quote and a competition prize from Lulabird. The books will be moved into the corner. 

This is just all so cluttered and annoying really!

 Toy chest under the window. This will stay where it is for now.

It is really hard to photograph the window but how rubbish is this? We have cream curtains so I made a blackout covering for the window but it was a bodge it and leg it type of thing that has been there for a year. It has to go. So do the curtains and the curtain track. 

This cupboard had a door on it when we moved in but we took it off as it just hit the light fitting. I made the curtain to cover it over before Piran was born but I don't like the animals any more. I also hate the height chart as everytime you shut the door the draught makes it knock against the wall.

The dinosaurs match nothing and it bugs me. 

I am very proud of my bird mobile though!

The theme that I have in mind is Birds and Trees. I will not be painting at all because I love the colour just moving bits around, sorting out the window and all of the tat in the room and making it all go together better. I hope!

So any suggestions? I have ordered a blind for the window with a blackout lining. The tree fabric on the chair is going to be used to make a new curtain for the cupboard. I would like a height chart that is tree related but can't find one I like. This one appeals though. I would like a Totoro on the wall but I am worried it might scare Piran! I would love a few more pictures. I have a plan for bookshelves for the corner.

Exciting. It should keep me out of mischief for a while anyway.

Settling down

Things are a little better round these parts this week. Which is a relief because I seriously felt like I hit rock bottom at the weekend. I just had nothing left to give.

I am getting over my cough and cold and so is Piran. Yesterday he seemed to be back to his cheeky self, I certainly had my hands full at times. It seems odd to be pleased that I had to tell him off on occasion but in comparison to last week he is a different and much happier child. Cheeky too. Very cheeky! Oh and a drama queen too. If I say no he stomps off and faces the wall feeling sorry for himself. And if he gets told off then he hides his face in his hands and peeks out at me to see if I am still looking mad. God, it is so hard to keep a stern face it is just so cute.

The sleeping in our bed was getting impossible so this week we are being firm. If he wakes we go in, talk to him, cuddle him but refuse to leave the room. He says "Up" and points out of the room but I have been calmly explaining to him that it is night time and that he needs to stay in his own room and cot. When he has stopped crying I put him down and run out. He starts crying again but each time it is getting shorter. We had noticed that he was in the habit of waking at around 8.15 each evening and asking to come downstairs for cuddles and this tactic seems to be making a difference. Last night he went to sleep just after 7 and we didn't hear him until 6.30 this morning. I really hope that this is the start of a good period of sleep because we all need the break so much.

This morning I was sat in our bed with him after he has his milk and he said "Baby?" and pointed under the duvet. I lifted it up and he stroked my belly. Mr C and I just stared at each other and grinned, that is the first time he has indicated that something is happening!

36 weeks

I was reading old posts about my maternity leave before Piran arrived. This one is from 36 weeks, the same that I am now. It seems the same sort of things were going through my brain. The midwife hasn't mentioned antenatal classes at all this time. Guess you don't get them second time round. I did talk to her about breastfeeding and she was very lovely. I'm going with the give it a go and see how I feel with zero pressure approach. What will be, will be.

This first week of maternity leave has been good. Monday was spent tidying and pottering with a little bit of sewing. Yesterday Piran and I went to visit Mr C for lunch. Today I had my hair cut, finished a couple of sewing projects and spent some time online. I have now cleared my inbox and written up all pending reviews so now the blog can just be me and my daily drivel until the baby arrives.

It is funny, it was my maternity leave last time that gave me the time to reconnect with blogging and breathe new life into my little bit of the internet. There have been times when posting has been a little thin on the ground but I have kept it up for the past two years and this blog has grown into something so special and precious to me. My memory is shocking and this is my link to everything that has happened to me since becoming a mum. Now we are on the cusp of something amazing, and although I know that blogging time will be thin on the ground over the next few months I really hope that I manage to keep it up enough so that in a year or so I can sit down and read it back and marvel at our family and what we have achieved.

I'm no good at these things but I just wanted to say that if you like reading my blog then perhaps you would consider nominating it for a MAD Award. I had a hard time picking the blogs that I nominated but it felt good to recognise all of the wonderful talent that is out there, and it was really interesting to think about which blogs I love the most.

Review: Annabel Karmel iPhone App

Initial thoughts: I have never tried any recipe type applications on my phone so this was something quite new to me. I had a quick look around and it is very intuitive to use and easy to find what you need with some really interesting features.

I liked: There are five main sections - recipes, articles, planner, shopping and more. The recipes and the planner are broken down by age into 4 groups - first foods, 6-9 months, 9-12 months and Toddler. We were at the toddler stage and there are lots of different recipes in this section to try as well as a separate section for toddler desserts.  There are useful conversion charts in the more section - telling you that a large onion should be around 5oz and a medium one around 4oz (I always wondered). In the articles section there is lots to read including tips for each age and stage of weaning. There are also instructional videos - some for whole recipes and others for techniques like peeling a butternut squash. If you decide you want to make a particular recipe you simply tap the add to shopping list button and the ingredients are transferred to the list. You can also add to a planner, allowing you to meal plan for the week. If that is too much you can simply use the suggested weekly planner instead.

I didn't like: I followed a Baby Led Weaning approcach with Piran and so finger foods were our staple foods and there are very few recipes in this application that would have suited us in the early stages. If you follow the puree weaning route then this is much more suitable. I was disappointed that there were not more finger food recipes and suggestions however as it is a good idea for all babies to learn to feed themselves and handle their own foods. Now that Piran can use a fork and spoon there are a lot more recipes in here that I could try.

Overall: A good application, particularly if you are starting weaning with purees. If you were going to buy one of her recipe books then this could be a good alternative as at £4.99 it is around the same price as a book and contains 100 recipes, although not all will be suitable for your baby as it would depend on their age.

Further information: Click on the link for further information on the Annabel Karmel iPhone App. It can be purchased and downloaded from the App Store / iTunes and if you would like to see some of her recipes check out the website.

Silent Sunday #20