Not the best week ever.

Health Warning: This is a miserable, self obssessed, woe is me blog post. If I were you I would just skip over it. You have been warned.

I'm really starting to regret writing this blog post. I feel like since I did I am being tested, that life is trying to make it too hard for me to actually see my promises through.

As those of you that follow me on Twitter will no doubt be sick to the back teeth of hearing me say, I am ill at the moment. Since Monday morning I have felt constantly sick. I have not been sick but I am just filled from head to toe with a queasy feeling. It is hard, tiring and upsetting. I have been to the doctor and they gave me tablets that have made no difference. I have had an upset tummy as well on a couple of occasions and headaches which come and go, mainly at night but for over 100 hours I have felt sick. Whether I eat or not makes no real difference, only in the way I feel sick. If I don't eat I feel sick with stomach pains from hunger. If I do eat I feel really sick and need to lie down.

Piran has been with my MIL almost all week. I am just incapable of looking after him. I get upset and he gets frustrated and being stuck in the house is so bad for him. I am lucky that we have someone to help out. I miss him. Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent it alone feeling ill. Today is Mr C's birthday. Sunday is Piran's birthday. We were having a party for him tomorrow afternoon and one for us tomorrow evening and both have been cancelled. I just want to feel well.

Last year I spent my birthday and Mr C's birthday in hospital, in pain from the Prostin and with no sign of the baby coming ever. This year I have spent it in bed alone. My first birthday as a mum and it's all screwed up. I have looked forward to making Piran a special birthday cake for months and months. Last night I went and bought him one. I am so disappointed.

Occasionally I feel like I am getting better, I did this morning, but now I feel just as bad as I did a few days ago. Will this ever get better? I can feel myself teetering on an edge. It is one that I know well, but one that I haven't been near for quite a long time. Real life, being a mum, looking after my family keeps my feet and mind rooted fully in the real world. But being ill, not being able to get out, being alone for long periods of time, not much fresh air, all these things drag me down into the black hole that is inside of me. I don't want to go there but I don't have the energy, and I don't feel well enough to stop it happening. I am so glad that it is the weekend, that Mr C and Piran will be here, that I will not be alone all the time. I really just need to hold on until this evening and then hopefully everything will be okay.

Please, Universe, let me get better for Sunday. I just want to enjoy my baby's birthday.

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The Gallery: Nature

Tara thinks that this week's prompt is easy. Nature. Well, it is although I tussled with myself for two days before turning to my favourite place for advice, Twitter. My issue: Are clouds 'Nature'. The response was yes and I am thrilled because I get to post this photo.

A few weeks ago I was driving home from Eastbourne along the A27. It was a lovely day and all of a sudden I was blown away by the view of the clouds ahead of me. It was one of those moments that I just wanted to stop and watch, it was so beautiful and majestic and awe inspiring. I wish I knew the names of these clouds but they seemed to boil and bubble across the horizon. It made me think of the Clouded Mountain from The Amber Spyglass, strong, thick clouds hiding a citadel perhaps. The blue sky and light swish of the clouds high above made the low clouds more impressive somehow.

Unfortunately I had a sleeping baby in the car and there was nowhere to stop to enjoy the view so I quickly pulled over in the layby and tried to take a picture with my phone. They were good, but not as good as the quick, final snap that I took with Hipstamatic before I drove away. None of the pictures can capture how amazing it really was, but this one reminds me of how I felt when I saw it.

Help me! Dinner time

Okay, here we go again. Should be a nice easy one today. Promise to stop badgering you for advice soon.

I really need to find some time to write another post about baby led weaning. When I was on holiday in Cornwall Piran's eating habits changed quite drastically and we are now on three meals a day and less milk than we were.

On a Monday and a Friday Piran goes to his Nanny's house for the morning and nursery in the afternoon. Nursery give him his dinner, but I provide it as he will not eat the food they provide for small people. I am happy to do it, but I keep sending him there with pasta and I just need some inspiration as to what I can give him to take for his tea.

So, any suggestions for easily transportable food that would be nice and interesting for him? I don't want to just give him sandwiches, organic crispy things, salad and fruit all the time. That is too much like lunch for my liking. To make it harder it needs to be the type of food he can pick up and feed himself. He will not let them feed him at all. He also has to bite everything so he struggles with small things like peas as he tries to bite them in half!

Help me!

Cake!

I love cake.

There are very few cakes that I don't like (coffee is the only one I can think of).

But very little can beat this little beauty.

Ginger cupcake with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting

I made 12 of these to take to work tomorrow. It has taken all the willpower I own not to eat them all. Bet I have polished one off by 8.45am with my first cup of tea.

I am very proud of these so I am entering this into English Mum's Big Bakeoff.

Nom nom.

Help me! It's a bum deal

Okay, I am onto Day 2 of my bugging the internet for advice posts. I reckon your answers to this one are going to be embarrassingly simple which is probably why it has taken me so long to ask!

One thing I have always struggled with is giving Piran nappy free time. His poor bottom only sees the light of day for seconds as I change his nappy and every other day in the bath.

We are lucky that he has never had any kind of nappy rash so far. I have recently taken the plunge and switched from disposable nappies to cloth and that has gone well but I am concerned that I never give his bum time to breathe.

I did try when he was smaller. The last time I tried it was April. I popped him on a blanket in the front room with a plastic mat underneath. He immediately did a wee so I grabbed the kitchen roll and mopped up. I popped back into the kitchen to get rid of the kitchen towel and returned to the room seconds later to see him lying on his front, grinning up at me with a rather large tail shaped poo on the blanket behind him. I have not been brave enough since then!

So, is it important that he gets his bottom out occasionally? If you did it do you just get on with it or is there some great advice you can share. Do I just have to accept there will be mess and just deal with it? Now he is crawling there is no way he will stay in one place, I dread to think what might happen.

Help me!

Help me! Milk drinking

There have been a number of occasions recently where I have felt like I need some advice. I always think that I will blog about it but as usual never get round to it and now I have a number of things I need to ask. To keep it simple I will ask one thing a day for a few days. Any help gratefully received. 

Currently Piran has three 8oz bottles of milk a day, morning & bedtime and one in the afternoon, around 1pm.

This week I have switched Piran gradually over from formula to cows milk. He has been fine, no odd reactions. I did it carefully, mixing milk & made up formula together, gradually reducing the formula and increasing the milk until he is just having cows milk.

He has still been having the occasional bottle of formula in the middle of the day as it is easier to transport when we are out. I have noticed that he would cry when he finished a bottle of milk/formula but not when he had a bottle of all formula. I thought it might be that the milk does not fill him up as much?

For the past two night he has woken much earlier than normal. I think that he has been hungry. We have always given him Hungry milk at night, to fill him up so he would sleep better. It is only 2 months since he stopped having a night time bottle and went straight through.

So now I don't know what to do. Should I go back to giving him Hungry milk at night? He still doesn't eat a huge amount (that's another post) although it has improved. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What did you do?

Help me!

Back to work, my thoughts so far

Yay: I can drink a hot cup of tea
Boo:I have to make tea for everyone else there

Yay: I can go to the toilet in peace
Boo: I have to share toilets, pooing is embarrassing

Yay: I feel like I have achieved something at the end of the day
Boo: Playing with mega bloks is more fun

Yay: I don't have to make my own lunch
Boo: It is hard to be good when the canteen has bacon in the morning and chips at lunch

Boo: I'm not allowed to use Twitter
Yay: There are real people to talk to

Boo: I miss Piran
Yay: I get to see Mr C during the day

Finding the silver lining

A couple things have happened over the past few days that have really made me stop and think. Small things, like an advert for Cancer Research staying with me for a long time after I saw it. Being out with friends and being reminded how lucky we both are that we have very good, well paid jobs. Watching television and seeing a story of a woman with cancer who was simply amazing, her beauty and strength and soul just blew me away. These things made me cry, made me stop and take a breath and really think about my life and how I live it.

I am incredibly lucky. I have everything anyone could need to live. I own my own home, I have a husband who loves, supports and respects me. I have a beautiful baby boy who amazes me every day. We have a large family, and all of us are fit and well. We have jobs, and friends. We can do what we want, when we want.

Despite how lucky I am these basic truths just seem to get over looked in our day to day lives. The smallest things happen and I get anxious or worried or tense and I lose the perspective I have gained. On Sunday night I talked to my husband about all this in bed and we each decided what one thing had made us the happiest that day. We told each other that we loved them and we thanked the universe for everything we have.

Monday morning, when I was running late for work, and couldn't find any clothes that were smart enough for work that fit me I could feel it slipping. As I ran about the house, trying to organise Piran and myself with wet hair sticking in all directions, five different outfits littering the bed I felt so stressed out that all of that feeling had gone. I snapped at my lovely husband and wondered if I could get away with Mr C passing Piran off to his mum for babysitting duties.

All of a sudden I stopped. It came back to me, how lucky I am. That I should never take anything for granted. So I went downstairs and scooped my baby boy off the floor and gave him a great big bear hug. I stuck my head in his neck and took one last big breath of him before kissing him three times. I made every second count. I stood at the door and waved him off, and then hugged and kissed by husband before I went back upstairs to continue to get ready.

These are the things that I promise to try to do:

I will take responsibility for myself and how I feel.
I will make the most of my life.
I will be grateful for the things I have.
I will remember how lucky I am.
I will list my blessings.
I will not regret the past, or worry about the future.
I will be present.
I will enjoy today.
I will see problems as opportunity for change.
I will find the silver lining.

The Gallery: Winnie the Pooh

I missed last week's gallery, everything just became too much. Spoilt my perfect record but I am sure no one noticed except me!

This week the prompt is 'A Novel Idea': A photograph which you think represents a favourite book or novel or even children's tale.
A classic, pulp fiction, a fairytale, a modern masterpiece.
Dracula, On Chesil Beach, Lord of the Rings, Little Red Riding Hood.
Tell us which book and why your photo illustrates it for you.

I was stumped I tell you. I had almost given up when I realised that the best book to choose would be the one I am in the middle of reading to Piran as he drinks his bedtime milk each night. So we went out and took this picture earlier.

Winnie the Pooh

Chapter Eleven: in which Winnie the Pooh and friends go to the park and watch a giant boy play on the swings.

Dear Squigler, one year on

A year ago today I wrote Dear Squigler, a letter to my unborn son and to this date it is one of my favourite posts. I am tired, we have been out, it is late but when I realised the date this evening I couldn't go to sleep without marking the occasion in some way. So here is the same letter, and my thoughts one year later.

Dear Squigler,

Dear Piran,

Hello. You don't really know me yet (other than my insides) but I am your Mum. I'm the annoying one who has been twittering on to you all the time while you were doing all of that important growing of organs and limbs and getting big and stuff. I hope you like what you find when you decide to arrive.

Hello. You know me so well now, you recognise me wherever we are. You really were concentrating on the growing part in my belly, you were a beautiful big baby and to this day you are so very tall. You seem to like living with us, and we love having you here.

I just wanted to write down how I am feeling right now. You are due to be born tomorrow, although I know that you seem quite happy where you are and that you will come out when you are good and ready on your own timetable and not mine. I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere that I need to learn pretty sharpish.

I had no idea what it would be like when you arrived. I had to wait another fifteen days for you to arrive, and when you did you did so in your own way. Sometimes I wonder if we had just let you come in your own time things might have been a little smoother. That definitely was the lesson that I should have learned and it is one that I will take forward. You have made me slow down, relax and understand that the world does not end if we are a little late some days. Most days we get there early anyway.

When you do arrive me and your Dad will call you something other than Squigler I promise (to your face anyway - the internet will have to call you that for a bit longer). We have spent a lot of time trying to pick your name, but we seem to have ended up back at the beginning with one of the first ones that we thought of. I hope that you like it and that we have spent enough time trying to find something that will not cause you to be lumbered with an annoying nickname for the rest of your life (Mine: Smelly Whiff. Your Dad's: Cheesecake) I am sure someone will come up with something but I am fairly certain we have avoided the major pitfalls!

We had chosen your name Piran, for many reasons but once we had suggested it nothing came close. We picked the right name, as it is you through and through, and means so much to us but we do have to apologise. If the last year is anything to go by most people will hear Kieran instead of Piran, and you will have to say "no, Piran with a P" like I do. Sometimes I let it slide, if I am not going to see the person ever again. If they do get it right, then they will invariably comment that it is unusual and ask where it comes from. I hope it never bothers you.

You know more about me than you do about your Dad so let me fill you in. You are a very lucky boy because your Dad is simply the best person I have ever met. He is funny and kind and caring and will always put you and me first. He is very excited about becoming a Dad, and when we found out you were a little boy and again when he heard your heart beat for the first time he cried a few little tears. He is a big softie, which may embarrass you in years to come but I love it. He balances me perfectly and we are such a great team. He has looked after the both of us so well over the past 9 months and I just cannot wait to see him hold you in his arms for the first time. I am afraid that my heart will go pop with love when you are born because it overflows with love for him everyday and I cannot imagine how I will fit you both in. Don't worry, I am very determined and can do anything I put my mind to, I just cannot comprehend how lucky I feel.

Ah, well that just says it all. Take everything I wrote in that paragraph and multiply by 10. Your Dad has shed many tears this year, sometimes at the milestones, but more often just on a normal day when we are doing normal things. I catch him looking at you with wonder in his eyes and if our eyes meet I have to look away because wow, that feeling is so immense, so intense that I cannot breathe. You plus him plus me equals the meaning of my life. I did not have to worry about fitting you into my heart with him, you just stretched my heart until you both snuggle in there together. I felt lucky last year, now I count my blessings every day. I hope I never take that for granted.

A word of advice, we both have our strengths. So he will be in charge of all outdoor pursuits such as sport or gardening. I am an indoor person, I will read to you and buy you books, I will teach you to cook and paint and make things. Your Dad can kick a ball, grow you food for dinner and explain the rules of Cricket and the Tour de France. Oh and whatever your Grandad or Aunty Alison say, you are a Tottenham Hotspurs supporter.

I cannot wait for you to be big enough to do these things with us. You love painting at nursery and I already have a wall of paintings. We both love to play with you, take you for walks and make you laugh. I would spend all day trying to make you laugh if life gave me time.


We have spent the last couple of years turning a house into a home ready for a family and when you arrive that is exactly what we will become, a family. Cannot wait to meet you little man.

You are now crawling, and getting into everything. You are slowly investigating your home now you can, and I hope you like it. It is fir to burst with all of the baby related paraphernalia that we have accumulated over the past year. Don't crawl into any of our storage cupboards we wouldn't find you for days.

Mum and Dad

? and DAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY, DADADADADADADADADADAAAAAAA

If I had time...

...I would...

answer all emails.
telephone my friends.
tidy up after myself.
find room for all my things.
put away the washing.
finish my quilt.
continue crocheting my blanket.
make Piran some trousers.
make my niece a skirt.
make my best friend's birthday present.
watch Alice in Wonderland.
organise Piran's clothes.
write to my mum.
open the parcel that came today.
read a book.
have a cup of tea.
write a blog post.
change my bedclothes.
do some baking.
write lists to plan birthday parties.
plan next weeks meals.
comment on blog posts.
reply to comments on my blog.
write a review.
sort out Piran's toys.
get some photos printed for the album.
cuddle my husband.

Dear Santa...

So, after processing everything that I saw on Thursday, and spending a blissful hour perusing the press packs they gave us I have now picked my favourite items. Yes, you may consider this my Christmas wish list written on the hottest day of the year. In no particular order:

Photo wall clock

Alegra Bedspread

Wooden cut out tree (picture does not do it justice)

Nativity Russian Dolls

Rob Ryan Vase

Rob Ryan Mug

Ladybird activity kit

John Lewis red polka dot tea set

I had better start saving!

Christmas and a lovely surprise

Christmas in July

On Thursday I joined a group of bloggers at the John Lewis Christmas Magic Preview. I was in shiny, happy heaven for the whole time I was there. Held in an amazing building I could have happily stayed there forever just sighing and stroking the pretties that I saw. I thought that I would share some of my pictures. Some lovely and very knowledgeable people showed us around and chatted to us about all of the wonderful things that we saw.

Click on the images to make them bigger.

9 months on, 11 months off!

Two months ago I wrote a post where I confessed that instead of losing the weight I gained whilst pregnant the scales were actually creeping up instead of down. So I decided it was time to make a change. In the past 10 weeks I have gone from 170lbs to 152.5lbs. I signed up with Slimming World online and it has been brilliant. Simple to follow, you don't have to give anything up and I eat loads. 

The happy surprise this week was the fact that I fit back into my pre baby jeans. I have gone from the top of a size 16 to a size 14. I feel confident and happy and it is only now I am realising how my weight had really been making me feel.

I am not done though. I am the weight that I was when I got married and fell pregnant but now I have lost this weight I really want to get down to 135lbs and so I will continue to eat well, follow the rules and see what I can do.  

The Gallery: Holidays

This week the prompt is Holidays. Originally I planned to use a photo from our recent trip home to Cornwall, but then I remembered these and couldn't resist. They must be early 80's. Of course, we lived in Cornwall so where could we go on our summer holidays? The answer was Cornwall, just a bit further up the county! We went to the same place every year with the same people. I have great memories of it, some odd memories and some sad memories. But mainly good memories.

This is me, my brother, and my Dad's best friend Tony and his wife Pat. Tony used to call me Kelly Arthur, and he helped teach me to swim. I have just swum the width of the swimming pool in one go, all by myself for the first time. It had taken a few attempts and that long parcel I am holding was my prize for doing it. Oh how I wanted that parcel, what could be in something so big? The answer was the smallest little bracelet you ever did see. Ha bloody ha ha. (I loved it, and I am very sad that it has got lost somewhere along the way).

My Dad giving my brother an impromptu shower under the tap. That happened quite a lot. I remember when my brother was really small they used to put his reins on him then loop the strap over a piece of rope stretched between two tent pegs. He could run up and down and round the ends and wear himself out but he couldn't get away. I may remember that one for Piran!

Every summer we would be at the campsite for my birthday (at the end of July). I can remember birthday cakes with candles after a barbeque and chips from the chip shop. Eating cake and sitting in deckchairs behind grockle nets. I am not sure if the boat was ours or someone else's but I do remember that it was a blow up speed boat (!) that we used to go out in, water-skiing and fishing. We played tennis on the concrete roads between the pitches and the campsite has its own beach where we played and swam every day. My favourite part of all though, was the outdoor disco, held once a week, where they played the 'Superman' song, and the 'Woody Woodpecker' song. Oh, and Wake me up before you go-go. They were the best.

CyberMummy Community Keynote

I promise that I will stop writing posts about CyberMummy soon but I am so very proud of the fact that I got to stand up at the front of that room with other talented, wonderful women that I wanted to post this. I spoke to Sian about it afterward and we both agreed that the power of the community keynote is hearing the posts how they were written, not how you would read them. The emotions that are behind these posts poured out and made compulsive viewing.

So, if you didn't manage to make it for any reason, below is my post, read by me. It is called The separate people living under my skin, and I orginally wrote it in February this year. Apologies for the tears, they took me by surprise, but my proudest moment was making people laugh.



One of the prompts in Karin's celebration of vlogging, Just Vlog It, this month is blogging, so I will also use this as my entry. Check it out if you haven't already.

CyberMummy and beyond

These are not very good pictures*, but it was a bloody good night. To the ladies that did CyberMummy and beyond, thank you for rounding off a brilliant day with a brilliant evening**.

* some taken on the iPhone, some on my camera. You might not think they are very flattering, but at least I haven't posted the video.
** anyone know if Marco the barman got out alive?

Tomorrow

In the past day I started so many blog posts in my head. I do it normally but yesterday was such a whirlwind, such an amazing day that made me feel so many emotions all at once that even more than usual I wanted to record and remember the day. But I didn't write any of those posts down, choosing to stay in the present and be there and fully experience every moment. And now that leaves me on a train, with a suitcase bulging at the seams with goodies, a slight hangover and a desperate need to try and capture the fading memories of one of the greatest experiences of my life. To be there, at the beginning of CyberMummy (I am sure this is just the beginning) was amazing. To meet and hug these women that have been there for me over the past 13 months as I went from just a blogger to a blogger with a baby was too special for words.

To stand at the front of the crowd and read one of my blog posts was scary, thrilling and highly emotional (I cried! My mum would shake her head at that). What an honour to be chosen to stand on that stage with those people. Sandy, Carol, Jen (amongst others) these women that take my breath away with their beauty and honesty and words whenever I read their blogs. To hear those posts read as they were written, to feel the emotion and to see the room moved to tears and laughter was incredible. It was my favourite part of the day, despite my own nerves and streaked make up.

I got a bit drunk afterward, in the hotel bar with a group of the funniest, best people I could ever wish to meet. I sloped off at midnight, after taking a few photographs, when the tequila shots were being handed out. Thankfully these days I know my limits. I went to my room, drank water, brushed my teeth and then lay on the bed every nerve fizzing in my body, words and memories, adrenaline and experience keeping me from sleep for a good hour.

I tweeted all day and some of the night (check out my stream to see the evidence) and woke up this morning with my brain thinking in hashtags, #cybermummyhangover #whereisthebacon #howcanjosiebesoawakeandbubblyatthistimeofthemorning

All too soon tomorrow is here, and I am on my way home. It was fun to be me for 2 days but I miss my boys and want a Piran cuddle more than anything in this world. All too soon tomorrow will be here again, and I will have to leave him to go back to work after 13 months of maternity leave. It's only 2 days a week but that is a whole other post, so I will go now, to live in the present for a while. I'll be back soon.

Update: Gosh, I am such a scatterbrain these days. I would just like to add a HUGE thank you to Huggies for paying for my ticket and for arranging a breakfast on Saturday morning so all the Huggies mums would have friendly faces to arrive with. You are all fabulous, and I love working with you.

CyberMummy

Wow, it is so strange being here. I feel like I have met so many people, but not yet met loads that I wanted to. It's all very overwhelming, but exciting. Lunch now!

I'm off to CyberMummy

This is me, waiting for the train. I'm ridiculously early (prob because I only have myself to worry about), my bag is packed, if I've forgotten anything it's too late now! I have (slightly messy) new, shorter hair. My left cheek looks like it's been slapped because I just ate an apple (weird allergy thing). If you are there tomorrow please come and say hi.



If you aren't coming have a lovely weekend.

One last thing, what do you think of the new blog header? I made it following the super talented Violet Posy's instructions on her blog. I'm writing this post on my phone but will add the link later.